“It’s possible to have a loving divorce. It takes an enormous amount of courage to change your life. No one wants a marriage to end; no one wants to have that heart-crushing conversation with (the) kids, but it happens.”
-Laurie David, Filmmaker, “An Inconvenient Truth”
The crushing reality of “telling the kids”…to have that one conversation you hope to never have with them. “Kids…your dad and I love you very much. You didn’t do anything wrong. We are getting a divorce…” How do you tell the kids? What are the right and wrong things to say? I wished I had someone to tell me what and how; but I had to learn on my own; and this is why I share my story with you.
The absolute WORST day of my life will go down as the day Mark and I had to tell the kids we were separating. Most people would think it was the day I discovered that Mark had been cheating on me…6 different women…some flirtations, some sexts–relationships you could tell had been going on for a while. (Read “Your Inner Voice” blog entry). All the while he was married to me, almost 14 years married and 17 years together. Here we were the All American Dream…2 kids (a boy and a girl), a Golden Retriever, 1 bunny, 1 cat, 2 fish…beautiful home in the ‘burbs, quiet little town, great careers…the one where he travels and I work from home to run my business and take care of the kids…Do you hate me yet? Yep! Well, that’s ok…we are a lot more alike than you think. Mark and I had problems just like anyone else. He was gone all the time working/traveling, while I was home doing EVERYTHING…housekeeper, babysitter (although doesn’t classify as “babysitter” when they are your own kids. HA!), chauffer, sex kitten, chef, disciplinarian, comforter, butt wiper, snot swiper, entrepreneur, business owner, therapist, nurse, oh did you like how I snuck “sex kitten” in there? Yep…because we moms are all the above and don’t have time to be tired… “Come on baby, give it to me now”. But seriously, we are the “do it all moms”. But it wasn’t enough for Mark. His narcissism and love of the chase got the best of him. And so our marriage ended.
I think the hardest part for the kids was the “Shock”. Mark and I rarely fought but he was the Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde. At home he was the all American loving father and provider; and on the road someone completely different. So when we split up, the kids went from “my parents never fight” to “dad is moving out”. Here is how it went down…
The acts were too deceitful to ever forgive…the cheating on the Tiger Woods Platinum level. I knew our marriage was over even before Mark accepted it. I kicked Mark out as soon as I confronted him (Read “Your Power Moment). Because of his traveling, I told the kids “daddy had work”…so between dad gone and some travel plans I made, Mark was out of the picture for about 3 weeks! When we returned home, Mark and I met with a family counselor and therapist. Where as Mark thought it would be an opportunity for us to “TALK”; I was there with an agenda. With my list of questions in hand, I fired off: “How do we tell the kids we are separating/ultimately divorcing?” She gave us some good advice…the normal.
-Tell them you love them
-Tell them they did nothing wrong
-Tell them daddy is an asshole…oh wait..she didn’t say that. (Hehe)
But it was the same thing you will read in every book. And yes…a lot of it good information. But it will NEVER really prepare you for how your kids will react. Or how your heart literally rips out of your chest at the pain on their faces. So Mark and I had to make a decision to stand as the united front. Although he told me that he couldn’t see why I wouldn’t take him back and how I would throw our marriage away…he did agree to follow my lead. I felt we needed to be simple and loving. What I wanted to say was, your dad is the CEO of A-Holes of America and he cheated… “Ok children, today we are going to learn about cheating….Do you know what STDs are? How about sexting?…Anyone?…Anyone?…Now don’t all raise your hand at once.”
I knew we had to Rehearse.
Mark and I “rehearsed” before we decided to tell kids. We wanted to at least plan a few points we were going to say, because we knew the emotions would be overwhelming. We also discussed where and when we were going to talk to them. Knowing both our children, we thought our son (then 10 years old) would shut down. And our daughter (7 years old) would cling to her daddy. Oh but it played out a little differently than that! The hardest part was figuring out what to say…when you are dealing with infidelity…you aren’t at this time going to tell the kids that a parent cheated! They really can’t grasp how awful that really is and what that means at that age. I had to make a decision to protect my children. They didn’t need to know about their dad’s extracurricular activities. All they needed to know is that he was a dad who loved them and would be there for them, even if he weren’t living at home. We knew no matter what, we needed to keep it simple.
K.I.S.S – “Keep It Simple Stupid” was something my dad taught me in business and in life. I never knew it would help me in divorce! But the old adage is true…keep it simple! Kids do not need details and too many words to over explain anything. Tell them in the least amount of words what they need to know…let them ask the questions. Some may be like…”Oh…Ok”…and skip off to the other room. Other may ask questions you may never have thought of…so go with it. But remember, less is more! Mark and I decided to sit with the kids one evening at home in our living room. Mark would open the conversation with:
“Your mom and I need to talk to you guys.”
We all sat on the couch together…James (my son) to my right, Dani (my daughter) to my left and Mark next to her and of course our Golden Retriever in the middle of it all. It was the typical opening…
Mark: ”Your mom and I love you very much…and want you to know that you did nothing wrong”…then Mark starts to cry….
GRRR…again…I have to step in and step up…
Me: “As you know your dad hasn’t been around a lot lately and that is because we have decided to separate.”
James starts howling, literally howling with sadness! My heart breaks, rips, tears from my chest. This is when Mama Bear has to keep all her strength. As I look over at Mark, who is now crying…and all I can think about is… you did this!!!! I’m shouting (in my head), “Because of your lies, deceit, and ego…you are tearing this family apart and breaking your children’s heart. But here I am…protecting your ass?!!” And again…I am the strong one…why?….All for my children! I hold James in my arms and look over at Dani, she is watching her brother’s every move and reaction. I think she would have handled the information better if her brother weren’t hysterical. Then suddenly, Dani follows suit, crying in her daddy’s arms. I continue…
“Some times with relationships, two people have problems they can’t fix. And the best thing to do is to take time apart from one another and not live with one another.”
I then went into an analogy of a broken vase that I recently tried gluing back together. My favorite vase was recently tipped over by the dog and I was so sad. It was a vase from Mexico that was irreplaceable to me. The vase was staring at me from across the room.
“It’s like this vase…I love this vase…and it got broken. And I’ve tried and tried to glue it and the pieces just don’t go back together…It’s still a vase; but it’s broken. We might be able to glue some of it back together, and even though it’s broken it will always be a vase…like our family will always be a family.”
OMG! I’m thinking to myself…I’m comparing my family to a fucking vase!? This is awful!!!
Tears…sobbing…crying…then Dani says,
“What’s separating?”
Here she was bawling her eyes out because her brother was and she didn’t even understand why! This is where love and honesty come in to play.
Love and honesty is so important…but here I sat…wanting to tell the kids it’s over with Mark and I. I knew ultimately we would be divorcing and it couldn’t come quick enough! But I also knew that our children’s hearts couldn’t take that kind of honesty at this moment in time. So Mark and I decided (in Rehearsal) to start with “we were separating”. We would take time apart. Mark would find another place to live and we would start there…for the kids. They needed to see that separation and divorce didn’t have to mean that they never saw their dad again. That it probably wouldn’t be that different since their dad was away on work 6 days a week and sometimes weeks at a time. They needed to build confidence in the situation that they were still loved, cared for, and in a routine.
I also didn’t want to make promises that weren’t going to happen. We never discussed time frame or what the future might hold for us with the kids. We only continued to tell the kids we loved them and let them know, “Dad is not going to live here right now. He is staying with a friend. He will still be here to take you to school and pick you up and take you to your activities when he isn’t working.” That was all the love and honesty we could provide for them at that time. But the biggest thing was reading clues from each child and how they were dealing with this news. Each one of them acting differently and we needed to hold space for them and their feelings.
Holding space for someone is putting yourself in their shoes…trying to hold a space in your heart for how they are feeling or acting; and to be compassionate and loving towards them. But isn’t that we do every day for our children? Yes…but when you are dealing with separation and divorce, this is harder than it sounds. You are so caught up in your own emotions of hurt and anger that it isn’t easy to see it from their eyes. Especially when you are dealing with infidelity and your partner is the one that is the reason for the pain. What you want to do is to tell the kids the truth…but you can’t…that is only for your benefit not theirs! So how to hold space for people varies.
For a 10 year old boy is so different from a 7 year old girl. First of all, girls and boys deal with things differently. It’s just the way they are hardwired. Then you throw in personality on top of that…and don’t forget about age and life experiences. James is 10; and being older, he remembers his dad and I together. Simply, he has more memories of us as a family…but he is also so extremely sensitive. Ever since James came out of the womb he was sensitive and needed a set routine to be happy. He did NOT like change! Dani, was my go with the flow, I do it myself, tenacious little girl. She just was able to deal with things and move on from it. And being 7, she didn’t really grasp what it meant that daddy wasn’t going to be living here anymore. Not that she didn’t love her daddy…oh she is daddy’s little girl…but kind of “out of sight out of mind”. James on the other hand would sit for hours and not talk, sob, and dive into the rabbit hole of depression. So finding balance and reading cues from your kiddos on where their individual needs are for support to get through this is so important. It’s a cliché…but it’s so true…in the end they didn’t ask for this; but it’s our job as parents to put them first and get them through the emotions. How do we get them through the initial shock of the talk? It sounds crazy..but get out and walk!
Getting out from the room where you dropped the bomb on the kids is the best way to clear some of that energy. James wanted to curl in a ball and bury his head in the pillows and Dani wanted to be held…but Mark and I got up and said,
“I think Gunner (our dog) really needs a walk…let’s take him out for a little bit.”
Because now with all the sobbing and crying, Gunner was so upset! He is super connected to the kid’s emotions and couldn’t understand why all the sadness. So we got his leash, pealed the kids off the couch and walked around the block. Not a long walk…just to get outside. We walked all together…and at times James walked 50 steps behind…but that was ok. The important thing is that we got out moving to clear the air and show the kids we can still have problems; but we never go away mad.
I won’t sugar coat it…it will be one of the hardest days of your parental post marriage life. Like everything in divorce, you will want it to be done! And it will never be soon enough. But I learned with this experience and many others that it’s best to slow your roll…slow down, read, talk, ask questions…make a plan–Especially with any and all aspects of the kids. Whether it’s telling the kids or finalizing custody in the MSA…take your time. I guarantee that your feelings now are fueled with anger and hurt. Making lifelong decisions are never well made in a bad headspace. The results may be the same; but looking back, you will feel confident on your decisions and how you handled them.
Read…a lot! I think I read every book and article on “how to tell the kids”. Some are better then others; but they all pretty much say the same thing. What helped me was the information on children’s ages and the psychology of what they understand at certain ages. This not only helped with feeling that my kids were reacting “normally” but also to give me clues on what to say and how to say it appropriately to each individual child. In the end, you will do the best you can. There will things you wished you said differently, but there will be chances daily to handle it better. Like anything with parenting…there are days you are like “HIGH FIVE! I got this! And other days you are thinking to yourself, “WTF??!! Why did I say that?”. Don’t be too hard on yourself. And as the saying goes… “This too shall pass”. Now breathe…
*Alix Stone
Visit me at Instagram! @soulsurvivor_alix_stone
aka: Soul♥Survivor
