“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” -Paul Tillich
The first night you’re alone…really alone. Your ex picks up the kids and you have the house to yourself. Maybe it’s one night, maybe it’s a few days…but you are alone. Why aren’t you celebrating? Instead you watch them drive off and you close the front door, walk through the quiet house…way too quiet house…slide down the wall…and sob. You sob like you have never sobbed before!
Have you had this night yet? It was the quiet nights that I would only dream about when I was married. “Only if I had a day to myself!!” I would daydream. I would actually fantasize about running away or getting sick…not too sick but sick enough where you couldn’t leave the bed. You could sleep ALLLL DAY and just have quiet uninterrupted time! I about died from laughter after watching the movie “Bad Moms” and Kristen Bell’s character had the same fantasy!
(Watch this clip from the movie – Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn)
Oh Serenity Now!! Even my mom friends, who are married, tell me sometimes how jealous they are of my “nights off”. But it has taken me a long time to call them “my nights off”. I would dread the evenings alone. I didn’t realize then that I was really scared to be alone; not knowing what I would do with my time and how scared I was to feel loneliness. But without being with your loneliness, how can you get to the solitude?
Almost fourteen years of my life I was a Mrs. to my Mr., until I discovered he had been cheating on me for at least 8 years of our marriage together. I was the everything—caregiver, mother, plumber, chauffer, housekeeper, gardener…should I go on? Out of the 14 years married, almost 11 of them were with a child practically tied to my hip. Sometimes when I needed a time out…I would retreat to the bathroom and they would always find me!!! Once I locked myself in my car in the garage just to have a phone call! With a husband, who traveled 300+ days a year, and raising children all while I started my own business from home, how was I supposed to be alone? I never had a minute to myself! But now that was all changed. After the separation, quickly came the divorce and I didn’t realize then but I was scared to be alone. At first, Mark didn’t have his own place…he lived as a “roommate”. It was simple. He would spend time with the kids on his day off, picking them up from school, running to activities, and feeding dinner; but always to return them home, tucked into their beds at night. After 6 months of this, Mark got his own place and this is when shit got real. I was spoiled. I always had my babies at home. It was the perfect scenario. He would have them for 4-6 hours and I was free to do what I wanted…to go on dates and live my “other life”. He was like a built in babysitter! Oh the revenge! Ha! But now he wanted to have the kids overnight at his place and start a “routine”. This was before the MSA so we were trying to be as mutually agreeable as possible. We called it “divorce with dignity”. Soon came Christmas break and an opportunity for Mark to take the kids for 6 days! You would think I would be jumping for joy! Woot Woot! Party on! I had visions of me running down the hallway in my underwear and socks and sliding across the floor in my best Tom Cruise- Risky Business impression! But oh no! It was much different!!
As the kids loaded their suitcases up with excitement to go to dad’s new place for part of Winter Break, I was carefully holding my shit together. Lots of hugs and kisses and off they went…the sound of Mark’s truck rounding the culd-a-sac and down the street. I shut the door, locked it, and sighed. I started down the hallway to their bedrooms…tucking in their already made beds, straightening their already cleaned rooms. As I came out of my daughter, Dani’s, room, I met Gunner our Golden Retriever. We just stared at each other, both took in a HUGE sigh, and I fell to the ground with my arms around his neck sobbing! This SUCKS I sobbed in his fluffy mane. He didn’t move…and we sat in the hallway crying for at least half an hour! We both were sad! It’s like he totally knew what was happening. As I peeled myself from the floor, I walked into my bathroom and started a bath. I grabbed my phone, selected my favorite playlist and made my way to the kitchen as the bath filled. I went to my fridge where I have a rule of always having a bottle of champagne chilling! You just never know! And I opened that baby! I poured a nice healthy glass and then sauntered down the hallway to enjoy my bath. It took me 6 days and 6 baths later to finally realize that I was OK. The kids were coming home the next day and I was fine! Now I didn’t spend all 6 days in the tub…but my first night was the most reflective. I spent the next few days just being with Me! Who the fuck was I? I read, I worked out; I threw myself into work, and went out on a date! I talked on the phone for hours with friends…uninterrupted!!! No, “Mom, Mom, Mom…Mawwwwmmmmm!” My friends, knowing I was alone were amazing! They would call and try to get me out…but I would politely turn them down knowing I NEEDED this time alone. Face my Fear!
Now fast forward almost 3 years. Once in awhile I will need my bath/champagne nights…but I’m looking back and realizing that initially I was filling any time I had alone with plans! When I knew the kids were going to be gone, I would start reaching out to girlfriends for nights out, road trips to see people I hadn’t seen in awhile, and dates with friends with “benies’. Not that there is anything wrong with that…it’s what I needed at that time. But it was some sort of validation I was seeking or fear of being really alone. Now when the kids leave with dad…sometime I go out…sometimes I make plans…but I also make plans with ME! What do I need to make me happy? Maybe it’s a walk with Gunner, other days it’s a glass of vino with my besties and other times it’s a bath and my favorite playlist. The important thing is that you go through the emotions…it’s like grieving. In fact you are grieving…you are grieving the marriage and life you thought was your forever. Now you need to discover how it is to be alone and not be lonely…finding that solitude! Loneliness is the feeling sad and maybe even just a little bit having a “pity party” for yourself. But Solitude is when you know that you are just fine to sit, read, listen, meditate, work out and you aren’t missing a thing! You are enjoying this present moment in time and recharging to become the best mom you can be. Because when those kids run through that door in a few days, the chaos starts all over again!!!
So how do you get through these first initial few nights and days on your own?
-Turn Off Your Social Media!!!
This is not only such a time suck; but it will create the feeling of everyone else is having so much fun but me! Oh wow…look at them, don’t they look so happy! Well, you know what…they have their shit too. Fakebook as my son likes to say!
-Find Your Happy!!!
What makes you happy? Is it reading, meditation, walks in the evening, binge watching your favorite show? Find that happy and do it…but also challenge yourself down the road. For me it was writing. I would sometimes be puttering around the house doing everything but writing. It took me a long time to get the motivation and confidence in my writing. And now it is my number one therapy! Also, meditation saved my life! More on this later!! But it truly did…finding the quiet and being ok with quiet was a true process that took me over a year!
-Sing Out Your La-La-Las!
Music does wonders for moods…but it can also get you wrapped up in your emotions. I actually have saved in my Spotify account—playlists by moods— Chill, Love, Heartbreak, Rarr!, Schexy, etc… you get the picture. I know when I’m listening to too much Willie Nelson and Adele, I’m in my Heartbreak playlist and I need to STOP! And sing it out sister! I read an article recently on how playing music in the shower and singing in the shower releases the same endorphins as being in love! The feel good ones! So get your La La La’s out!!!
-Hug Your Pooch
No! Not your potbelly after you ate that whole plate of nachos by yourself! Your pet! Whoever it is…and if you don’t have one…I strongly recommend getting one! They offer such unconditional love and know when you need them most. Who else can you tell your deepest secrets to and know they will go with them to the grave. Gunner definitely takes the edge off! He is always there for me and spoons with me when I’m on my own. The perfect man!
Just know that you have to go through these tough moments to get to the great moments! The AHA’s moments you look back and say, “OHHHHHHH!!!” But for now, just be…for “This is how it is right now” taken from one of my favorite teacher/speaker/mediation leaders Vinnie Ferraro. You will get through the loneliness and you will find that solitude. And it’s a beautiful thing when you do…be with each emotion…feel it as intensely as you can. You will realize that it’s not going to hurt you…it’s only going to make you grow!
You got this!!
*Alix Stone
@soulsurvivor_alix_stone
aka: Soul♥Survivor
