“You are leaping into a new reality here — it’s not your job to know the how; it’s your job to ask for what you want and wait to discover the how, then take action.” – Jen Sincero (YOU are a BADASS)
Well, you did it! You survived the holidays!! For most, this time of year is full of family gatherings, holiday parties with couples and the awesome wonderment in your children’s eyes over all the holiday hustle and bustle. But not everyone is keen on the “Holiday Scene”…I’m talking about us “Divorcees”. When you are divorced, whether it is the first year separated, the 5th or even the 10th year, the holidays bring a different vibe and energy then maybe they once did before. The facts are that its different now. Maybe you have some old memories, resentment or maybe even a fresh outlook to start new traditions. But no matter how you look at it, there is at least a few moments of sadness, hurt or loneliness that happen for us as we enter and finish the holiday season. So how do you get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?
Now this is not a Pity Party Session! This isn’t about “poor me” I’m divorced and the holidays suck. This is about being honest about how it feels, what you are going through and how to find new outlooks. The facts are it does suck! Let’s be honest…kids bouncing back and forth between the Ex, ex in-laws, your family, parties, commitments, traveling, decorating and keeping everyone happy while you keep your sanity. Before we get to the restart part, we have to talk about what we just endured. The hardest part of the Divorcee Holiday is the fact that your old traditions included a family unit and if you are now single, and not yet with another partner, this family unit feels off balance. What traditions do you keep for yourself and what ones does your “Wuzband” carry on? How do you keep the kids somewhat grounded while they bounce back and forth? How about being single during the holidays—all the holiday movies portraying family and finding love. All the parties, work or social, are all bring +1 and/or the family—and that’s if you get invited to these parties anymore, since you are now the lone wolf.
I find myself starting to tense up around November 15th…Thanksgiving around the corner and the count down to Christmas begins! The first year was maybe the easiest in some ways, because I was so angry. I was like “F- it all”! I’m going to spoil the hell out of the kids and toss all old traditions that were shit and I hated (because they had to do with Mark’s family obligations) and keep all the traditions I wanted. But mainly I wanted to start fresh…ground ZERO! I relished in a few days of no kids before Christmas day, because it allowed me time to wrap presents or go out with girlfriends to grab a few stiff cocktails. To top it off, Mark didn’t have his own place yet, so kids weren’t bouncing between homes. But as the years have gone by with the MSA settled and holiday schedule in stone, things are changing. Both Mark and I have settled into a routine and the kids have some old traditions still with family and new traditions started between homes. 
So why isn’t it easier? I even was in a serious relationship with Derek last holiday season…you would think that would help. Not really…it just felt different but not in a way of this “feels like home”. It was different in the way it felt forced. (Another story for another time.) What I have discovered, especially in this past year– Year #4 into the divorce, that this was the first year I was actually honest. I was honest with myself and others that this time of year SUCKS! I actually said it out loud! Usually followed by a double take from my friends and then a “Awww…(sad face/pity smile). But it was ok. I took my mask off for the first time this past holiday season and told friends, I actually can’t wait until January 1st. I just wanted to put my head down and just suck it up—not looking up until we got over the hump of New Year’s Day. I of course decorated and did all the fun things with the kids. This is really the only thing that gave me joy—is to see how happy the kids are this time of year and how they look forward to certain traditions.
The most important thing that came out of this season was the honesty and special time I did spend with my kids. James, my son, now almost 14 and Dani, my daughter, 10. They are wise beyond their years. They have been at this divorce thing for awhile now and have grown up so well. Not once have I ever bad-mouthed their father (to their face), even through the holidays, when Mark is beyond over the top in his narcissistic ways. Now that the kids are older, they see through their father’s bad behavior and it has actually brought the kids and I closer then ever. One evening during dinner, I asked the kids what they were looking forward to for the holidays. What were their favorite traditions. Each of them had their own ideas—some with their dad and some with me. But then James asked… “Mom, why don’t we have our traditional Christmas dinner anymore?” I stopped in my tracks…I finally realized and accepted that wow, yes, I haven’t “cooked” for Christmas in 4 years ! As a married woman, every year, Mark and I would open our home Christmas Day and host! After 12pm mainly Mark’s family, due to proximity, would come to our home to celebrate. We would also take in neighbors and the “strays” – family and friends, who were alone for whatever reason, to drink, open presents, eat, and just enjoy time together. I was always in the kitchen cooking, drinking and enjoying having “my holiday”. Well….that all went away after Mark and I split; and I don’t think I ever really dealt with those emotions. I was becoming the Matriarch and Christmas was mine…I always envisioned our home being where everyone would come to celebrate…now that was gone. Initially in some ways the pressure and stress, a relief not to be there…but now honestly years later, a large void. And an emptiness of sorts, one that the kids, well at least James, my oldest, remembering how our home was and now it wasn’t that way. Dani, my little socialite, is always up for a party and piped in… “Mama…why don’t we have people over this year!? Can we eat in the dining room with all the fancy plates and candles…Maybe you can cook all the yummy things you do!” I was surprised at my reaction…
“I’m not ready.” I said solemnly.
The kids looked at me with a confused look…
I continued… “Kids…it’s hard…for so many years it was your dad and I…family…traditions…and now it’s different. All that is gone and I haven’t felt in a good enough place to honestly open my home and heart in that way yet.”
As I was speaking the kids listened intently and very compassionately. I was so proud of them. I realized that this was the first time that I was not only honest with them about my feelings surrounding the holidays, but honest with myself as well! I could see in their eyes, they understood but yet as kids wanted to find ways to make mom feel better.
Dani continued to encourage me through the next few weeks. As I thought back at our last few Christmases and how I was going so far away from our normal traditions…why? Fear? Not wanting to hurt? Like the Christmas when we went to pizza and a movie! Or the year after, when I made tacos! No Honeybaked ham, mashed potatoes, green beans or Christmas cookies. OMG! What am I doing? I knew in time I would find my way…just as in grief…don’t let others tell you when to move on…but be open minded and open hearted to listen to yourself. To listen to your loved ones, especially your kids, and let them help to give that gentle push when you need it. So….this year I did it! I told the kids three days before Christmas…I’m ready! I ordered the Honey glazed baked ham, prepped their favorite homemade mashed potatoes, made the Christmas cookies and poured the sparking cider. Dani lit the candles, James helped stack firewood for the fire and we did it! We had an amazing dinner the three of us and it was perfect! The following day I invited our neighbors and dearest friends over for a “2nd” Christmas Dinner and it was even more perfect. And guess what? It felt good! For the first time in four years, I realized, I can do this again. Each year will get better and easier to add new traditions and bring old ones back in. So I started thinking…the New Year is here and how can we use this momentum of starting the New Year off right and start looking ahead to find new ways to renew, refresh and restart. So when we get through January and the let down of the post holiday, we will be putting our best foot forward and be ready to do this all over again in 11 months. So how do we do it?
Post Holiday Hangover:
It’s January and what I call the January Blues set in. The weather colder, the days darker, even all the trees bare with their wintery style all contribute to “da blues”. After the hustle of the holidays, you may find yourself in a bit of a funky hangover of sorts—sadness yet relief that all the holiday build up is over. You look in the mirror and see the bloated belly from extra sweets, alcohol, egg nog and other vices. You probably can’t look at another box of chocolates and that blow up Santa on your neighbor’s lawn just looks sad and out of place now. So now what? Take a few days and relax. Sure take the dried up fire hazard of your Christmas tree down, pack up the ornaments, but leave the holiday lights up. Why not? Don’t be so hard on yourself to pack it all away January 1…know that the kids will be back at school within the week and things will get done. Just be proud of yourself that you survived, the kids got what they wanted for Christmas and you will lose your Holiday Gut by bikini season.
Back into the Routine:
Yesssss!!! It’s Monday morning and the kids are back in school! Winter Break is over as you say to your darling children, under your breath, “Get your little butts out of my house and back to school!!” There is nothing like “back into the routine” to help you establish new habits and re-establish the good old habits. So get those kids back to school and settle back in. The first week is always the hardest with the morning routine and then homework and after school activities back in swing, but soon enough you will be back at it like an old pro.
New Intentions:
I never liked the sound of “New Year’s Resolutions”…there is such a “set yourself up to fail” tone I never liked. Like something you should have done and didn’t do it….something to resolve or look in the past to fix. I instead like, “Setting Your Intentions”. There is a freshness to it…a “Can Do” tone to it. You can use your “back into the routine” to reset and establish some new habits. What is it this year you want to accomplish? Are there personal goals…career goals…family goals? Always set some goals for YOU! You need to be the best you so you can be the best mom, partner, friend you can be. Career and family goals are just as important and should be talked about among your peers and family. My kids and I actually sit down during dinner or in a car ride and each discuss what we are looking forward to in the coming year and something they want to try or work on. Write them down! I keep an Evernote on my phone called “Goals”. One section is career and another personal. I write them down and through the year read them. And reset…you may need to change them a bit and/or use them to recommit to your intentions if you get off track.
Reflect & Refresh:
Looking in the past year and especially in this case, reflecting on the difficulties of getting through the holidays…what have you learned about yourself? Did you finalize the MSA, newly separate or break up with your first post divorce relationship? Did you meet someone new? Are you finally feeling solitude and not loneliness? How have the kids changed this year? How did you deal with the Ex this holiday season? Did you feel resentment/loneliness or relief/solitude? And what traditions did you keep, add, or leave behind? All of these things important to reflect on—not to obsess on or grieve. There is no better time then the newness of the New Year to release, forgive and let go. After you reflect, then you can refresh! What next year do you want to do differently when it comes to the holidays? How do you envision your next holiday season to be like? With a clear head and an open heart, you will be able to better see what you may want to incorporate into next year. By the time the holidays roll around again, you will be prepared and on solid ground for what you want and what you are ready for….you might even surprise yourself!
The last couple months of the year can be difficult for many reasons, but know that with each year will come new opportunities to create something beautiful for you and your family. Your kids will get older and the magic can fade, but find ways in your life to continue that spirit and traditions that are important to you. Be open to the encouragement from family and friends to see beyond the self doubt and pity party. And when January hits and you are feeling “da blues”, be kind to yourself. Find that sunshine— literally! Vitamin D will lift your spirits!! Fresh air will invigorate your soul!! Sit with yourself and your emotions to reflect, refresh and reset! You never know where this New Year will take you. As we all know, life can throw some crazy things your way and can change in an instance. So hold on—you got this girl!
*Alix Stone
@soulsurvivor_alix_stone
aka: Soul♥Survivor
