“Do not justify, apologize for or rationalize the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.” – Crystal Andrus
The “Ex’s…ex-husband, ex-sister in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-in-laws!!! Oh my! You have been so focused on the kids, yourself, the divorce…now the dust is settled and you have the EX-In-Laws and Outlaws! Some of them you might be happy to “separate” from…others maybe a sad parting of ways…either way, it’s not easy. So how do you continue the relationships and do you have to?
Marriage+Kids = grandparents, aunties, uncles…So as long as they are healthy relationships, then keeping the relationship is important. The kids need to see that their family is still a family. (Telling the Kids blog post) Show your kids how to rise above…they will look to you how to handle relationships in the future. But what if there are unhealthy relationships in your ex’s family…how do you create boundaries and keep your sanity? All more pressures added to the post divorce family.
Married to Mark for almost 14 years and a friendship that lasted almost 2 decades, came with a slew of family. His mother was married 4 times, so you can imagine what our family gatherings were like. In addition, Mark and I were the ones who brought not only the 1st grandbabies into his immediate family, but we also were the ones that lived the closest. I was lucky to have found an amazing mother in-law in Mark’s Mom and her husband of 15+ years is a gem. They accepted me immediately as family, when I met them on the ski slopes one wintery day 20 years ago. Mark’s family also brought me a sister, who I call my sister-from-another-mister! She is everything I ever wanted in a big sis. We share a sisterly love to this day even through the divorce. In fact she was acted so diplomatic and was at times the only one that could get through to her brother when he was acting like an #1 Ass. But just as I wanted everything to stay the same, “relationship-wise” with his family, after I found out he had been cheating on me for numerous years…that just doesn’t happen.
After the divorce dust settled and the emotions started to relax a bit, his family continued to be a big part in my life and my children’s life. They always were! And as mother in-laws go…maybe a little too involved. Ann loved her grandbabies!! She would often tell us…”Nana will do what she wants!” As Mark and I would cringe. Ann’s heart was always in the right place, but sometimes just a little too verbal in her opinions. In one respect she would question why we would do a “time out” or allow our children to cry it out… but then in the other respect put her son and me on the highest pedestal and brag to her friends. (eye roll) We took it for what it was and we were just so happy to have such great love and support in our lives. They were always there for us whenever we needed them. When it came out that Mark had cheated on me, Ann had a very difficult time knowing her son, “her prince”, would do such a thing. She was devastated to say the least and would often blame herself as a mother married multiple times or his father, who essentially left him when he was three. Ann and I would stay up all hours of the nights, during her visits to my home, post divorce—drinking, talking, and sharing. Then I noticed the depression…
Depression was something I had faced for a short while but noticed in Ann even prior to Mark and my divorce. But the divorce took her over the edge. She started drinking more and more….not alcoholic, stumbling drunk…but wine glass after wine glass…then a bottle…maybe two. Who am I to judge, I thought…I drink…we all drink. That’s kind of what our family does when we all get together. But then James, my 13 year old noticed.
“Mom? How many drinks does it take to get drunk?” James asked one day.
“Uh….depends, “ I responded, “Why do you ask?”
“I noticed Nana drinking a lot when she was visiting.” He said with a worried tone.
“How many?” I asked.
“ I counted 6 glasses. “ He said…acting like he was the tattletale on a elementary school yard.
Ouch…not what you want to hear from your 13 year old. Especially, when here you are a few years away from your teen learning to drive and your motherly instinct to start teaching your son about “responsible drinking”.
So started the many difficult conversations…important conversations. I reached out to my sister-in-law first. Rebecca and I are not only close; but she is so diplomatic with her approach with her family. She is amazing! I expressed to her my concern about her mom, the depression, and drinking. This wasn’t the first time we had talked about the issue but the first time the kids were a concern. She wanted to reach out Carl, her step-father and Ann’s husband just to get a sense of where he stood on the issue and if he had suggestions on how to handle confronting her. After some time and talks between myself, Rebecca, and Carl…it was agreed that an “intervention” wasn’t what was needed. A soft conversation between Ann and I; since the main concern was the kids and drinking around the children. We thought that if she knew her grandbabies were concerned about her that it would be enough for her to make some healthy changes.
The day came when I sat her down to have a heart to heart. I approached it from a loving stance and that James was worried about her drinking. Ann cried of course. We had a great conversation, I thought, and talked about her depression, the divorce, her guilt, and making some health changes. I was relieved…then something changed. Within a couple of days, Ann sat down James to discuss her drinking issues. In the same conversation she mentioned my new boyfriend and how she was on my “son’s side” when it came to her feelings about him. My teenage son was not happy that his mom was dating someone; but for reasons he and I were openly discussing. Ann took it upon herself to act immaturely. I was livid! Then came 2 months later, when she called drunk to tell me how she was not happy that I was dating this man and how she didn’t care for him. Two months later she visits our home only to bring wine bottles in and put them in the garage. Pouring a glass of wine at 2pm and continuing to drink through the night. I couldn’t do it any more. With my stress level through the roof, I had to find some boundaries. My whole life, I’m the one who is the “accommodator”…I make sure everyone is happy and comfortable. I asked myself…why am I allowing this woman to make me uncomfortable in my own home. Why do I continue to put up with this? I honestly thought it would get better. I thought she saw the need for change. Why is my ex-mother in law staying in my home as she did when I was married to her son? Is this normal? I had to stop asking myself “what is normal” and start asking myself… “What do I want?” And “What is best for my kids?” I decided to set boundaries with her, for me, my children, and my new man in my life.
I wrote her an email, short, loving, kind, but strong. In the note I set three points and reasons why. It went something like this…
“Ann, regarding you staying with us for future visits, I feel that it is best if you stay with Mark. (her son) For one, your drinking is still an issue and I need to be an advocate for my children. Secondly, with recent issues with Mark, I am feeling I need to set some personal boundaries between him and his family. Although, you and I have had a wonderful relationship all these years, it’s been hard for me to separate feelings between all of us right now. And lastly, I’m aware of your dislike of Derek (my boyfriend). He is my partner right now and I need you to be respectful of that.
I love you very much and hope you can understand where I am coming from at this time. I always encourage you to come visit with the children and we will always make time for you.”
I am someone, who hates confrontation…I will stew and stew on worry and worry…and lose sleep on it! But I had to remind myself what I had been through and the newfound strength it had given me. So why is it important to create boundaries with ex-in-laws?
-Do it for the kids – They need an advocate. If it’s a situation of a meddling grandma to more serious like alcoholism or anger issues…they need you to be on their side! Be an advocate for them. Teach them what are appropriate behaviors and that yes, you can love your family; but you do not need to accept bad behavior. With younger children a lot of issues go right over their heads but as they get older, you will see how much they already know!
-Finding Appropriate Boundaries – There is no need to cut them off completely, as long as there is no physical or mental harm being done. Find healthy boundaries for each other. Maybe they are amazing grandparents to your kids; but yet as adults they drive you nuts! Your kids still need their grandparents, cousins, aunties, and uncles. Family is so important. So find opportunities where the kids can be with their family, but that you don’t need to be at every function. Maybe you can offer for grandparents to take your kids out for a special outing, come over and visit while you run errands, make sure your kids call and see their family on special occasions. Find the boundaries you are comfortable with…Is it dropping the kids off at their house for a birthday party, Christmas celebration, or just time together? Or is it ok with you to meet all for dinner on neutral ground? But if you are feeling uncomfortable having an ex-family member stay at your home for an extended vacation, it’s ok to say no. You are not obligated to host them just because it’s grandma. It just depends on your relationship. But remember to put your relationship with your kids and what your stress level is with the situation. If you are stressed, your kids will feel it.
-Learn From Your Mistakes – Chances are if you had an amazing relationship with you In-Laws before, especially if your marriage was a more than 10 years, it will take you time to find that middle ground. You may think it’s fine to all take vacations still together and stay at each other’s homes for visits out of state…but at some point this might change. For me it changed with I started my first serious relationship after my divorce. It was extremely uncomfortable for me and my new partner to have my Ex-In-laws staying at my home; especially when their son, my ex-husband, lived 2miles away. I didn’t recognize until I reached, Code Red, that I was not ok with my Ex-In-laws being in my business all the time. I had gotten so used to it for years of marriage to their family; but let it carry on even after the divorce. I had to learn from my mistakes of allowing behaviors continue longer than I should. I never wanted to “rock the boat” with family members because they came with my husband. But now I didn’t need to deal with it as I didn’t have to deal with my ex-husband’s behaviors either.
When you get divorced you don’t initially think about all the reprocussions of what will it be like for other family members and relationships. You are so busy keeping your head above water…getting through not only the details of the divorce, but keeping yourself sane, and your kids happy. Some days, of course, are easier than others. But it’s like dropping that pebble in the still water…the ripples of the decision of divorce not only affect you, your ex-husband and kids, but your extended family as well. Some families are torn apart. Other families are able to find that middle ground of respect, love, and support. The important thing to remember is that no matter your situation, find what makes sense to you! In the end, you are always the Mother! No one can take that away from you! We, as mothers, sometimes put ourselves last—our emotions and well-being. Put yourself first and remember what boundaries are best for you. Also, be an advocate for your kids; but also find the balance of keeping and teaching healthy relationships with all their family members. Remember, they didn’t ask for this divorce…they were put in the middle of it. It’s up to us to act as adults, no games, no playing sides, kindness, compassion, but keeping healthy boundaries.
*Alix Stone
@soulsurvivor_alix_stone
aka: Soul♥Survivor
