“I loved you with all my heart. For the first time in my life, loving someone fully with body and soul. But it wasn’t enough.”
-Alix Stone
Break up. Break down. Broken heart. Broken pieces. It’s all like the shattered glass on the floor. Shards of glass you sweep up and when you have finally cleaned up, hoping to have gotten all the pieces— there in the corner – deep in the corner of the room…a glistening piece of glass that splintered off. A reminder that you may still be a little broken, but with each relationship you are learning more about yourself and will sparkle again. It’s what I like to call the “Break up…Again”, your first break up with your first real solid relationship post divorce life. This break up is when you realize that all the work you have been doing on yourself up to this point has been worth it. It won’t be clear right away. You may even bounce back and forth between “Is this the worst decision of my life” to “I’m already out the door”. But the post divorce first break up can be similar to a game of football with time outs, play ball, and replays. Until one day, you are able to really get back on the “You” track of life yet again.
Ok…so you did it…You fell in love…again. You learned to trust, love and be vulnerable…again. But what happens when your love relationship, post divorce, is now one that takes a turn? Maybe the relationship is getting more serious and you need to decide if this is your “forever”? Or maybe they make that decision for you and leave? Whatever the situation, this break up will be like no other in your whole dating life. You are a different person now—stronger, wiser and with different priorities. But…wait, can you trust your mind and heart again? Are you listening to the right one? (Conversations Between Heart and Mind) This moment while you are breaking up can be extremely difficult. The truth is that while we may be different people, we are also older. Maybe you are scared to let go of a relationship that might be comfortable; but is it good enough for the long haul or would you be settling? Let’s face it…we aren’t in our 20’s anymore and finding a great relationship “again” in your 40’s or 50’s is not as easy as it was when we were younger. You have heard the saying, “all the good ones are taken”. So then this weird shift starts to happen. It’s like the Super Bowl game and the playoff champs are your Heart vs Mind. Each ready to play on the field for the opportunity to win big!
My break up with Derek started in the first quarter of the year and didn’t end to the last! 1st Quarter, (whistle blew), and yes it felt like a game. It started with me and a very “it’s not you it’s me” moment. Our relationship was changing. Derek wanted to be more involved with my kids, helping me and yes staying over for more extended periods of time. Before I knew it, I felt the shift with him…making dinner together, settling into a routine and then expectations of spending holidays and vacations together. You would think a woman would want nothing less than a man, a great man, to love her, to care for her and to do the same for her kids. But as our relationship grew closer, I started to pull away. It started to feel like Derek had a time clock set and the quarter was ending. There were expectations now of what our relationship meant and where it was going. Talk of moving in, marriage, raising the kids together…and all I wanted to do was run the other way. Why? It was a constant battle between my Heart and Mind. At first, I thought it was just too soon after my divorce. Almost 2 years…should be plenty of time, right? Or was it the wrong guy? I kept thinking…if he was “my forever”, then wouldn’t I be running at him 100mph, like a defensive lineman making the Quarterback sack? Nope…I felt more like the Pee Wee Football player running the wrong way down the field with the football as the crowd is jumping up and down shouting, “wrong way, wrong way”!
“What is wrong with me?” I would ask myself all too often.
So it happened…end of the 1st Quarter, I told Derek I needed some time and space.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” I finally mustered out.
But it didn’t go so eloquently as you would think…it was more of like a blubbering, crying, hot mess during a beautiful dinner at a very nice and highly frequented restaurant. Good times! Here I was ugly crying all over my beautiful Wild Mushroom Rissoto. We left to go to his house, where I continued to be a sobbing mess…leaving in a haste, I ended up sending him a final goodbye the next day…in a text. Yes…a text! Winner!
Although over the next few weeks, we carried on through long texts and conversations over the phone, we didn’t see each other until middle of the 2nd quarter, almost half time. Derek came to see my daughter’s play at her request and my approval. He looked great and I felt strong and in a good place. And then it started—our half time show—complete with fireworks, make up sex, lingerie and flowers. Derek was a pro and knowing exactly how to win my heart…again! We agreed that we would only “date” and just stay present—no expectations or future plans. Let’s just “be”, enjoy and love each other as long as it felt right.
Whistle blows, 3rd Quarter…Team Heart and Team Mind were at it again! Fight, Fight, Ra, Ra…back and forth the battle went! Until overthinking Mind took over and went down for a touch down but gets tackled by Heart…Oh…there’s a fumble! The crowd goes wild…who’s ball will it be? I ended up breaking up with Derek…again! But this time, he gave me the space I needed and I told him to not hold on to my heart… “to fly”. And if we are meant to be we will come back together. I think I actually said:
“I finally understand what quote means…‘If you love them set them free. So, Derek…you need to let me go.”
Back in 1st Quarter, I had told him this could be the most beautiful breakup in the history of break ups…loving and kind. He hated that…but now here we were half joking that it really was this “beautiful breakup”. We would let each other fly and see what the future holds.
Uh…Oh…flag on the play, folks! We better call in the refs for a review! Is this break up going to stick this time? Or will there be “relationship amnesia” and will Alix and Derek continue to see each other? You called it! Heart now making an interception and runs with it! And now the 4th Quarter, Heart leads the game…yet again trying to beat Mind during their best game yet.
By the end of the 4th Quarter, the refs have to call the game. Derek and I both knew that the game we were playing for the last eight months had probably exceeded it’s number of Overtimes; and it was all on my terms. Although Derek agreed to the terms, I always knew that it was always what I wanted. Here was Derek holding on to glimmer of hope that I would come around. He wanted my heart and for us to be married, to help raise my kids and to spend the rest of his life making me happy. Sounds so wonderful…but I couldn’t. I could never move forward with him and give him what he deserved. And it had nothing to do with him. Derek in all his eccentricities was the most amazing and sweetest boyfriend I ever have had in my life! Our emotional, spiritual and sexual connection was beyond anything I could ever imagine and everything I needed! He is a soul mate to me; but one that has come into my life for a reason and change me forever. He taught me things about love, relationships and myself like no other man has before. And the most beautiful thing was that Derek did all these things in a kind, loving and compassionate way. I felt like GOLD with Derek. Our relationship ended with him upset and calling bullshit on himself. He knew he was not happy just going along with whatever I dictated as the boundaries of our new relationship. And he was the brave one and broke it off. Cutting me off “cold turkey”…as he should and as we needed. As strong as I was in what I had been through with my divorce, I was unable to break up with my Lion’s Heart.
I’m thankful for Derek letting me go because I realized like the shattering glass from before that I was still broken. I had grown so much in the last 3 years, post divorce; but had so much more to learn. I am a different person now even in the last year. I’m learning what I want in my relationships, in a partner, in a lover and it’s not what I wanted years ago. So play the game of Break Up…it’s ok.
The breakup with the first real love and relationship you have after the divorce isn’t as crushing as the end of your marriage. This time your walls aren’t completely down. You loved but not fully. You thought you were; but truly you weren’t. You still have shit to work out. This beautiful soul, who you fell in love with, was definitely someone you were supposed to have in your life. This one special person to teach you something spectacular about yourself. This one to be vulnerable with again…but not “your forever”. No. Because girl, there is more work to do. And it’s going to keep getting bettter! You are going to keep getting stronger and the energy and vibration you will be putting out there this time will be in a world of its own!!
So let’s break the game down…post game show style:
Quarter toss:
Just like the coin flip in the beginning of the big game, you may find your heart and mind calling heads or tails. No matter your situation, there may be moments between you and your partner where you don’t know if you should stay or go. Maybe “it’s you not him” or “him not you”. Be kind to yourself and let yourself have some time to think things out.
Time out/Time in:
It may sound cliché, but take a “time out”. Don’t let anyone pressure you into decisions you are not ready for. Are you talking about moving in together or marriage? Your situation isn’t the same as it was ten, fifteen, or even twenty years ago. You now have children to think about and how does this affect them. Taking a time out will give you the time and space you need to sort out what your heart truly desires. Maybe it will be what you need to discover that they are worth a restart of the clock. Or maybe it will be the end of the game.
Replay/Review of the play:
So if a time out turns into a restart of the clock, there will be situations in which you may need to review your relationship. What changes need to be made and/or what expectations are there now in the relationship. Being open, honest, and communicative is a necessity at this point– All cards on the table. Talk with one another and check in. It’s easy to get caught up in the make up after break up; but old habits, baggage and problems which brought you to the break up before may not be completely healed. There may be some wounds in yourself and walls that have not been discovered. Again, slow motion replays and reviews can be a good thing. Just don’t get caught up in the over analysis of the break up game.
Game over:
So it’s over…the break up happens. I guarantee there won’t be a side that is jumping up and down or even a “I’m going to Disneyland” moment. The reality is that both sides will be hurting. Sadness, grief and ugly crying may come into play. Let it flow…feel all the emotions and know that on the other side of this, you will look back and discover the beauty of this relationship and even the breakup. You again will discover in yourself the strengths you never knew you had and it just keeps getting better. Love will find you again…but for now…time to hit the locker rooms—but for us ladies — it will look more like a day spa with a hot bath, massage, bottle of wine and a pint of your favorite ice cream.
*Alix Stone
@soulsurvivor_alix_stone
aka: Soul♥Survivor
