“Before you get in a relationship you must heal the broken pieces inside of you. We must never make our partners of the future suffer because of the mistakes from our partners of the past.”
– Sylvester McNutt
Def Leppard may have had it all right—
“You’re bringin’ on the heartbreak
Takin’ all the best of me
Oh can’t you see
You got the best of me
Whoa can’t you see
You’re bringin’ on the heartache”
Bringing on the heartache can be inevitable in a relationship that may be coming to an end. But how do we get to this point in the relationship? What brought us here– to this moment in time? Was it something they said? Maybe it was their values, morals, or just a something annoying? How about your own shit you haven’t dealt with past relationships and exes? Or how about your partner’s exes and baggage? This can be detrimental to a relationship – not only brining on the heartache but bringing in the Ex! Now I don’t mean the Ex is still hanging around…I’m talking about when the Ex is gone, not in the picture any more but remaining issues that maybe weren’t dealt with are continuing to be apart of your relationship. Whether it’s you or your partner—Bringing in the Ex needs to be put in the past and dealt with in a healthy way.
The signs were all there with Derek. When we met from an online dating Ap…it felt like there was hope in online dating. Wow, I actually met someone that wasn’t a freak! But just two weeks in, I learned that Derek had broken up with his ex of 3 ½ years just as recent as 4 months prior. Enough time to heal? Maybe…but when you live with someone and help raise his/her kids for 3 ½ years…it’s more like a divorce. According to Derek it was a very unhealthy relationship full of narcissism, addiction, manipulation and just unhealthy expectations. Just two weeks into dating him, he told me that he had a spiritual guru guide him in a “psychological divorce”. Say what now?! Derek was truly emotional about it and kept insisting by psychologically divorcing her, he would be able to date me…Red Flag number one! As our relationship grew in the next months, through the death of his father, sobriety, and healing physical injuries, it became apparent to me that Derek was still struggling moving on from his Ex. He would constantly say things off the cuff about her, her boys and/or if I did something that reminded him of her—he would quickly point it out to me! Yuck!
One day as a white Porsche drove by on a crowded freeway, he commented, “I hate Porsches”. “Uh why?”, I would ask… “My ex had one.” He quickly responded…Red Flag #2. Another time, he started in one day about missing “the boys”; and he always talked about them as they were his. Yes, he helped raise them for 3 years but when I suggested one day, “Maybe he needed to move on.” He got very upset, raising his voice, “I never got to say GOODBYE!” I knew he needed closure to that relationship. I offered him to go to my guru to do some EMDR work to help forgive his Ex, let the boys go and move on from this dysfunctional relationship. The EMDR work I did for 2 years was instrumental in my healing from my divorce and other childhood issues. I wanted Derek to heal…I did it for my “friend”, who was hurting and hoping that yes, maybe it could move him forward in life and in relationships. Maybe even a relationship with me.
I offered him some of my paid sessions to work through his emotions through this special meditative therapy. Derek went a few times and felt positive with his progress. Unfortunately, despite his good efforts, time and time again throughout our almost 2 year relationship, his Ex and her boys continued to come up repeatedly! One point he accused me of taking holiday photos with the kids and not including him. I hadn’t taken photos that year because I couldn’t afford to; but even if I did, I didn’t feel he and I were in an appropriate point in our relationship to include him on the holiday card! Additionally, about 17 months into dating Derek, he mentioned to me that he still had some personal items he needed to reacquire from his Ex’s house…Red Flag #3 (but hope this time).
When he returned from her home, he joyfully called me to share the news. Derek was so happy to share that it felt so good to “finally close that door with her and say goodbye. And now his heart was open to love me”…Red Flag #4 Wait! What? So this whole time we were dating and I knew in my gut that he was still not over her or the “boys”—and he was defensive with me when I would call him out on it…that he actually was still not over her! LIGHTBULB! Epiphany!!!!!! DUH, Alix! WTF!? I knew the whole time— now Heart finally accepted what Mind may have known this whole time. (Conversations Between Heart and Mind).
So how do we release past lovers, exes, husbands, boyfriends/girlfriends from our lives and not allow it to creep into our NOW relationships? Are you bringing in the “Ex” baggage or are they? It’s so important to deal with our shit before re-entering into the atmosphere of a new relationship. If you do not evaluate and deal with your past, you will repeat the same old patterns or make your new partner feel like you are still with this old person. No one wants to hear about the Ex—it’s the past- Move on! So how do we do it—how do we move on? It’s almost like the Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens—where the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future are visiting you in the story of your life.
Ghosts of Relationships Past:
This is the big one…the root of all-evil and why you are reading this!
If it wasn’t for your Ex, you wouldn’t be here now asking yourself questions of what went wrong, why the relationship ended, how it happened, who continues to haunt you. So forgive! Forgive that person and cut the ties that bond you forever.
The first step is find forgiveness for YOU. (Read Forgiveness) Once you forgive then you can start the healing process. One thing that helped me and was taught to me by a very incredible woman, was participating in a special visualization/meditation practice.
In this meditation, you mentally visualize your Ex and what physically bonds you. It might be represented in a chain, rope, string or something else. Then visualize where that attaches to your body. Is it your heart, stomach, chest, or somewhere else? You walk through this meditation, talking to your Ex and letting them know:
-How they hurt you.
-What makes you mad.
-What they taught you.
-What you loved about them.
-And then forgive them.
At this point, you then mentally cut the bond that ties you together. Is it fire that burns the rope? Or a knife that cuts it? There is no wrong answer….its what you are feeling. You then imagine yourself disposing off that material that bonded you. Lastly, you visualize yourself walking into a body of water. It could be an ocean, river, lake, or even a shower. You then let the water wash over you…cleansing all the baggage they brought into your life. You emerge from the water refreshed and renewed. This visualization/meditation doesn’t mean you should never talk or see this person again…it just releases you from the “old” relationship; allowing for a new one to be born and/or new relationships with others despite this one to be healthy ones.
For some, meditation or visualization may not be for you. If this may not be your style…try to find in yourself a way to physically let go of the past of this Ex. Write a letter to them stating what made you mad, what they taught you, what you loved and how you forgive them. But don’t send it…burn it or tear it up and throw it way. The physical act of this will bring you closer and release.
Ghosts of Relationships Present:
If you are able to let go, forgive and move on, then the Ghosts of Relationships Past will not creep into your Relationships Present. And if this present relationship should someday come to an end, you will not only allow past baggage to continue to influence; but you can resolve new issues that arise more quickly. You will create a healthier breakup between your partners. You will leave a relationship empowered and know that they served a purposeful path for you to continue. Now I’m not saying you will never cry and be that puddle on the floor…with each relationship comes a grieving period. I’m just saying that you will find healthier ways to move on and look back on a break up and see “the Why” more clearly. You will continue to see yourself more clearly as well. You will always continue to have work to do on yourself; but with each relationship you should change and grow.
Ghosts of Relationships Future:
So now you are learning to heal and mend the broken pieces of you; and also let go of past and present issues. Good job! Now for the future….just as Sylvester McNutt is quoted earlier, “We must never make our partners of the future suffer because of the mistakes from our partners in the past.” With a healthy “letting go of past”, you should be able to approach new relationships with a fresh outlook, a healthy mind and an open heart. You may find that you may have to rinse and repeat a few times in future relationships, but at least you are becoming a better you.
With each relationship brings a new path and a new lesson. It should get easier, right? I hope so! There will still be those that break us like no other; but I feel that’s when you grow the most! If you are aware of that and be honest with yourself in looking at the faults of your past lovers as well as yourself, you are killin’ it! You are half way there— so keep it up girl! You got this!
*Alix Stone
@soulsurvivor_alix_stone
aka: Soul♥Survivor
