“You’ll realize how strong you are when you finally forgive someone who isn’t sorry.” – Horacio Jones
What is it like to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry? How about just to forgive? The saying I found myself repeating again and again after my husband of 13+ years cheated on me was – “I’ll forgive but I won’t forget”. It wasn’t until my love, Derek, my first love after my divorce, taught me…but you have to forget too. My heart couldn’t surrender to that…I try but I can’t. How do You forgive? Are you a “forgive and don’t forget” person; or a “forgive and forget” person? Or do you hold onto the pain forever to remind yourself—to catch yourself—like a rubberband around your wrist—SNAP!
What I have learned through my 40 years is that in order to move forward you must forgive. Whether you stay with this partner, leave forever, or even keep a friendship…you have to forgive to move forward for Yourself! Forgiveness gives you a sense of letting go…freeing yourself from the past pain. If you hold on to that and do not forgive, then you are holding onto that pain. What good does that do but keep you in a state of hatred, fear and sadness?
Mark, my ex-husband, is the true definition of a Narcissist. I never really knew what that meant until the day I decided to forgive him and saw him for who he truly is….He is a good father in the definition of caregiver, provider, fun time dad. But he led two lives…the one of the perfect husband and father…and the second life of traveling charming cameraman, who was looking to feed his sex ego. For Mark it wasn’t about the love…it was about the chase. I believe that is how I was able to forgive him. I knew he loved the kids and me…but his “life of the party” personality and being on the road 300+ days a year lifestyle got the best of his ego.
It’s not like I thought about it… “Oh…I must forgive Mark in order to move on.” (I say to myself in a low boring professor voice.) No…it was a moment in time. I will never forget it. I was standing in the entry hall of our home…Mark was picking the kids up for his “scheduled” days. It was the typical pick up routine. Kids pack…leave their bags in the entry…I was going through the bags to make sure they didn’t forget anything. And then Mark comes in…now since this was the early stages of the separation, and he was coming to “our” home…he still acted like he was living there. He would open the front door without knocking, gather the mail in the entry, start going through bills, mutter to me “is this all the mail?” and then even sometimes saunter in, go to the kitchen and actually..YES…get this..open the fridge! Rummage around and then walk around the house like he was taking inventory. All while I would stand, arms crossed in front of my body (protection mode) watching calmly his every move. Thinking to myself…REALLY? I am the strong quiet type…not ever wanting to stir the pot; and definitely never wanting to act in a way my kiddos would learn bad behavior. Instead to learn calm, quiet, strength…not fear…remember children…don’t ever mistake my quietness for weakness.
And there he was…standing in the hallway looking at me like…”What?” I quietly shook my head, while I asked the kids to grab their things and take them to his truck. Mark then said to me, “You are never going to forgive me are you?
I quietly leaned up against the wall…side smiled…(insert Clint Eastwood “The Good The Bad The Ugly” theme song.) I shook my head side to side to Mark and said…”Oh, I forgave you a long time ago…I just don’t like you. You are just a very sad person to me.” His jaw dropped and he lost the color in his face…quietly he turned and walked out the front door. (Cue: sound of ego deflating like a balloon releasing air.)
So did he ever apologize? Nope.
Did he come close? Mmmm….ya.
He once sat on the stoop of our front porch and said, “I’m sorry I put you in this position of making these decisions of divorce.” Uh….”thanks?” How do you respond to that one?
So…how do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
-Find the Why –
Get all philosophical on their ass. Put your phychologist glasses on and ask…what in their life influences their actions? Because in life, aren’t we doing the best we can? If he was raised with a narcissist father or mother…wouldn’t he learn by that? If you can find the “Why” then you can see that each and every one of us is doing the best we can. Doesn’t mean that you allow someone to walk all over you — treat you poorly, abuse you, cheat on you, deceive you….You have your morals. What is your core values and what will you stand for and up to? If you find the “Why”, then you can find compassion; or at least be able to hold space for that person. After, you will be able to take a step back and see what boundaries you need to create in order to have this person in your life and not be affected by their actions.
-Why is it important to forgive?
You need to move forward and release that past pain. Pain creates fear…and if you are fearful then you will never be able to create a new path to a better life. Don’t we have to hit that bottom, feel that pain, in order to rise from the ashes? I love the image of the Pheonix from the fire. Once you forgive, you can rise up and look back on your past and see the beauty and blessings in your life. See how that pain created a life lesson, a new path, a better future. (read Your Inner Voice and How We Perceive Our Challenges blog entries)
-We do it for us. Not them-
Remember…you are forgiving for YOU! Not them. When you are forgiving someone who isn’t even sorry, especially a Narcissist…you cannot use logic. Believe me…I have tried! There is nothing you can say or do that will prove them wrong, teach them a lesson, or get the apology you deserve. They simply do not know how…and only they can change if they want to…so forgive so You can move on.
In forgiveness, we learn new things about ourselves. I hope you will look back, maybe not right away, but one day…you will see the lesson or the immense beauty you took away from the moment you forgave. For everyone it is different…you have to find what it means to you. Maybe it’s a peaceful life, or how to not allow negative actions/people affect you, or gaining a new found outlook on life. Whatever it is, you will find a deeper connection within yourself. A self love that NO ONE can take away from you. And when you love yourself…what happens? You are vibrating on a frequency and radiating confidence…attracting people alike toward you! Think about the beauty of that!
Isn’t it worth a try?!!!
Good luck— you got this!!!
*Alix Stone
Visit me at Instagram! @soulsurvivor_alix_stone
aka: Soul♥Survivor
