Co-Parenting Archives - ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥

January 11, 2018January 11, 2018

Beat the January Blues – Reset Renew Refresh

Beat the January Blues and leap into a New Year as a Single Mom. How to get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?

“You are leaping into a new reality here — it’s not your job to know the how; it’s your job to ask for what you want and wait to discover the how, then take action.” – Jen Sincero (YOU are a BADASS)

Well, you did it! You survived the holidays!! For most, this time of year is full of family gatherings, holiday parties with couples and the awesome wonderment in your children’s eyes over all the holiday hustle and bustle. But not everyone is keen on the “Holiday Scene”…I’m talking about us “Divorcees”. When you are divorced, whether it is the first year separated, the 5^th or even the 10^th year, the holidays bring a different vibe and energy then maybe they once did before. The facts are that its different now. Maybe you have some old memories, resentment or maybe even a fresh outlook to start new traditions. But no matter how you look at it, there is at least a few moments of sadness, hurt or loneliness that happen for us as we enter and finish the holiday season. So how do you get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?

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May 25, 2017November 21, 2017

Solitude vs. Loneliness

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” -Paul Tillich

The first night you’re alone…really alone. Your ex picks up the kids and you have the house to yourself. Maybe it’s one night, maybe it’s a few days…but you are alone. Why aren’t you celebrating? Instead you watch them drive off and you close the front door, walk through the quiet house…way too quiet house…slide down the wall…and sob. You sob like you have never sobbed before!

Have you had this night yet? It was the quiet nights that I would only dream about when I was married. “Only if I had a day to myself!!” I would daydream. I would actually fantasize about running away or getting sick…not too sick but sick enough where you couldn’t leave the bed. You could sleep ALLLL DAY and just have quiet uninterrupted time! I about died from laughter after watching the movie “Bad Moms” and Kristen Bell’s character had the same fantasy!

(Watch this clip from the movie – Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn)

Oh Serenity Now!! Even my mom friends, who are married, tell me sometimes how jealous they are of my “nights off”. But it has taken me a long time to call them “my nights off”. I would dread the evenings alone. I didn’t realize then that I was really scared to be alone; not knowing what I would do with my time and how scared I was to feel loneliness. But without being with your loneliness, how can you get to the solitude?

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May 18, 2017November 21, 2017

Why I Told the Truth to My 13 Year Old

“Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.” -Pat Benatar

No one knows this better than a child going through divorce, especially a child who is old enough to remember his or her parents together. He/she has memories of them acting lovingly toward one another. But then one day it all is torn away from them. The kids were told they did nothing wrong. They were told they were loved. Now a year, two, three later this child is still wounded…questioning WHY? Why did Dad leave? Why did Mom let him? Why does it feel like the kid down the block has it all because his/her parents are still together? All valid questions possibly being asked by your child.

Never in my married life did I think I would have to have that conversation with my children…the conversation of “Kids…Dad and Mom are getting a divorce”. (read Telling the Kids blog entry). But it happened. And after the divorce aftershocks calm down and the emotions start to lighten again, you think maybe, just maybe, your kids will be the ones that aren’t “that” fucked up. You find yourself saying, “My kids will be the ones that will be ok.” But then you think of what kind of people you are raising…I always said that I know I have done a good job if both my son and daughter grow up to be compassionate, hard working, and non-entitled individuals. What about if they will be a good boyfriend or girlfriend? And ultimately a good partner, especially, if their example is divorce. And how much of this is “hardwired” and how much is it learned? All questions I started asking myself as I was raising my tween son, James.

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May 15, 2017November 21, 2017

Telling the Kids

“It’s possible to have a loving divorce. It takes an enormous amount of courage to change your life. No one wants a marriage to end; no one wants to have that heart-crushing conversation with (the) kids, but it happens.”

-Laurie David, Filmmaker, “An Inconvenient Truth”

The crushing reality of “telling the kids”…to have that one conversation you hope to never have with them. “Kids…your dad and I love you very much. You didn’t do anything wrong. We are getting a divorce…” How do you tell the kids? What are the right and wrong things to say? I wished I had someone to tell me what and how; but I had to learn on my own; and this is why I share my story with you.

The absolute WORST day of my life will go down as the day Mark and I had to tell the kids we were separating. Most people would think it was the day I discovered that Mark had been cheating on me…6 different women…some flirtations, some sexts–relationships you could tell had been going on for a while. (Read “Your Inner Voice” blog entry). All the while he was married to me, almost 14 years married and 17 years together. Here we were the All American Dream…2 kids (a boy and a girl), a Golden Retriever, 1 bunny, 1 cat, 2 fish…beautiful home in the ‘burbs, quiet little town, great careers…the one where he travels and I work from home to run my business and take care of the kids…Do you hate me yet? Yep! Well, that’s ok…we are a lot more alike than you think. Mark and I had problems just like anyone else. He was gone all the time working/traveling, while I was home doing EVERYTHING…housekeeper, babysitter (although doesn’t classify as “babysitter” when they are your own kids. HA!), chauffer, sex kitten, chef, disciplinarian, comforter, butt wiper, snot swiper, entrepreneur, business owner, therapist, nurse, oh did you like how I snuck “sex kitten” in there? Yep…because we moms are all the above and don’t have time to be tired… “Come on baby, give it to me now”. But seriously, we are the “do it all moms”. But it wasn’t enough for Mark. His narcissism and love of the chase got the best of him. And so our marriage ended.

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January 27, 2017November 21, 2017

How We Perceive Our Challenges

“I’m just making a conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial” – Jim Carrey

We all have our “shit”– our challenges we face daily. Whether it’s a sick parent, challenges with your children, tough job, or a failing marriage/relationship…our shit is our shit. To each of their own, I like to say. Don’t let Facebook or (Fakebook), as my 13 year old son calls it, let you think otherwise. We all are telling our story in different ways. So what are your challenges? How do you perceive them? How do you choose to react to them?

For me…it depends on my state of mind–my inner strength…my soul…my core. If I’m not taking care of Me, then my inner strength is weakened. I find myself in a monkey mind of story lines–one’s which may never be true–causing me to react in fear or sadness. But it’s when we are facing these challenges that we learn so much from ourselves. If you can stop the “monkey mind” and face your problem with an attitude of “what can I learn from this” , “how is this going to make me stronger”, “can I turn this around to be an A-ha moment”? It’s all perception– awakening the mind to how to act not react.

When I found out my husband of 13+years had been cheating on me for more then half our marriage…don’t get me wrong— I did react!! It was the famous “Fight or Flight” moment. I literally threw up after discovering numerous women’s sexting conversations on his phone. After a few moments in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror with puffy eyes and tears streaming down my face, I said, “Pull your shit together girl!”. I proceeded down the hallway to where he slept, while our children lie peacefully in their beds. Grabbing the baseball bat, we have under the bed, I leaned over his sleeping body as he snored so heavily in his slumber. I wanted so badly to hurt him the way my heart was hurting…I raised the bat toward his body—(my crazy Britney Spears moment) and then my little voice, my inner strength, whispered in my ear, “your babies are sleeping.” My beautiful children, whom I made with this man, were sleeping in the next room. They almost never heard us fight and never knew their perfect little world would soon be over. I lowered the bat, left the room, and sobbed as my heart broke into pieces. I then made a choice at that very moment…My children! I am MAMA BEAR, hear me roar!!! I made a choice to slowly, methodically, and calmly handle this challenge with grace and love–not fear. Now don’t get me wrong–there is more to this story– but I knew that night that he had just given me a gift! A gift of a new life! A gift of my children! And a gift of me finding inner strength I never knew I had. He awoke the sleeping Phoenix in me and I would rise again.

And wherever you are in your challenges, you can find a gift also. What good can come out of your situation? Sometimes they are hidden and take time to see; but trust me…they are there. Awaken your mind to changing your perception– you will find your strength!

–Soul ♥ Survivor

*Great short featuring Jim Carrey’s speech of choosing “Love not Fear” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TIXuCG1gug

January 25, 2017November 21, 2017

My Story…

“My Story”

As I start to write this…I’m scared, nervous, excited— who the hell cares about “My” Story? But I’m here to be honest and will always shoot it straight and cut through the bullshit— so that’s why the “Warning Label” on the Home Page.

And I’ll start by saying this — this is my first attempt to a blog! So please be patient with me while I work through some shit and start this incredible journey. As the days, weeks, months go by– I will be adding stories, blogs, articles, resources. My hope is that you will find something here that will be a useful tool for you or at least make you laugh and maybe cry. Somehow someway be healing to your heart.

“My story” will unfold here for you to read, dissect, and criticize but what gives me the audacity to start a blog about divorce, heartache, marriage, kids, dating? Well….for one, because I was married for 14 years and have two pretty awesome kids (who are now entering pre-teen/teen). For reason two– notice the “italicized” WAS married? I found out at the 13.5 year mark of my marriage that my husband had been cheating on me for at least 8 years of our marriage. And not the had an oopsie- “I fell in love with someone else” kind of cheating— the “I live two lives”- Tiger Woods Platinum Level of cheating! Awesome! Good Times! (insert sarcasm). And through it all– the good, the bad, and the ugly, I held my shit together. Why? Because we are badass Moms that’s why!! I found an amazing therapist/guru, meditation, self love, inner fkn strength I never knew I had, kindness, forgiveness, and yes Love again.

So let my stories be your guide through all of it–divorce, kids, dating again, and everything in between… Think of it as your Soul Survivor’s Guide. And just to start us off– a few things I have learned along the way:

Kindness and Humor gets you a long way. Kindness can be forgiving when you thought you could never forgive. And Humor…well…shit…we all need a good laugh sometimes! Laughter is the best medicine.

Your Girlfriends/BFFS will save your life! True colors shine through the toughest times! And to get through this huge life transition you will need strong people at your side to peel you off the floor, have your back, bring wine, and everything in between.

Power of Your Story will help you find your inner strength. You will get through this! And you will get to the other side and see how this is a beginning of a new chapter not the end of your story. You have to find that power within and be able to rise above…being the Phoenix from the Ashes!

So I’m here for you…let the story unfold…

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: Soul♥Survivor

see the heart on my sleeve

January 23, 2017November 21, 2017

Hello World!

Welcome to my blog – Heart on My Sleeve – “Soul Repair Not Divorce Despair”

see the heart on my sleeve

Think of this as a “Soul Survivor’s” guide to get you through the heartache, the soul searching, holding it together for the kids, and yes- dating again! Wherever you might be in your journey, I hope you can find articles that will inspire you, make you laugh, and let you know that you are not alone. The one thing that truly got me through the tough times of divorce was my friends! So I dedicate this site to you! You know who you are…I promise to change the names to protect the innocent and the “not” so innocent. ;o) From long nights of tearful phone calls to literally lifting me up from the puddle that was me on the floor– my friends, my community, my family got me through it. So that’s why I am here for you!! Let my story help your story! Remember, you are never alone in this!

*Alix Stone

Visit me at Instagram! @soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: Soul♥Survivor