Category: Family

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Different Kinds of Love

Different kinds of love

 

Part 1 of a  Series:  Different Kinds of Love

 

“I thought of all the different kinds of love in the world. I could think of ten without even trying. The way parents love their kids, the way you love a puppy or chocolate ice cream or home or your favorite book or your sister. Or your uncle. There’s those kinds of love and then there’s the other kind.  The falling kind.”       – Carol Rifka Brunt

 

February comes around and as you enter every grocery store, Walgreens, Big Box Store – Bam! There it is right in your face- LOVE– Or at least the “Hallmark Version” of Love. Paper hearts, valentines, ad campaigns for jewelry— it’s everywhere you turn. But what is the true meaning of Love? When you hear this word—what is the first thought that comes to mind? Is it your children? Family? Lover? Your dog? Love can encompass so many relationships. But when we see the hearts, the valentines, the commercials bombarding us come February – most of us think of Luvvvvvvvv! (said in my best Barry White impression). Turn down the lights baby and slide over here. Oh yayyyyyy—- Lovvvve! But how many kinds of love are there? Is there more than one type of love? Can you love more than one person at one time? Can you love two people equally? And all the different loves in your lifetime…love of your friends, family, pets, children and even yourself…where does it all fit into place?

 

different kinds of love

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Beat the January Blues – Reset Renew Refresh

Beat the January Blues and leap into a New Year as a Single Mom. How to get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?

 

“You are leaping into a new reality here — it’s not your job to know the how; it’s your job to ask for what you want and wait to discover the how, then take action.”   – Jen Sincero (YOU are a BADASS)

 

Well, you did it! You survived the holidays!! For most, this time of year is full of family gatherings, holiday parties with couples and the awesome wonderment in your children’s eyes over all the holiday hustle and bustle. But not everyone is keen on the “Holiday Scene”…I’m talking about us “Divorcees”.   When you are divorced, whether it is the first year separated, the 5th or even the 10th year, the holidays bring a different vibe and energy then maybe they once did before. The facts are that its different now. Maybe you have some old memories, resentment or maybe even a fresh outlook to start new traditions. But no matter how you look at it, there is at least a few moments of sadness, hurt or loneliness that happen for us as we enter and finish the holiday season. So how do you get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?

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Ex In-Laws & Healthy Boundaries

ex in-laws and healthy boundaries

 

“Do not justify, apologize for or rationalize the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.” – Crystal Andrus

 

The “Ex’s…ex-husband, ex-sister in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-in-laws!!! Oh my! You have been so focused on the kids, yourself, the divorce…now the dust is settled and you have the EX-In-Laws and Outlaws! Some of them you might be happy to “separate” from…others maybe a sad parting of ways…either way, it’s not easy. So how do you continue the relationships and do you have to?

Marriage+Kids = grandparents, aunties, uncles…So as long as they are healthy relationships, then keeping the relationship is important. The kids need to see that their family is still a family. (Telling the Kids blog post) Show your kids how to rise above…they will look to you how to handle relationships in the future. But what if there are unhealthy relationships in your ex’s family…how do you create boundaries and keep your sanity? All more pressures added to the post divorce family.

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Solitude vs. Loneliness

see the heart on my sleeve

 

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.”     -Paul Tillich

 

The first night you’re alone…really alone. Your ex picks up the kids and you have the house to yourself. Maybe it’s one night, maybe it’s a few days…but you are alone. Why aren’t you celebrating? Instead you watch them drive off and you close the front door, walk through the quiet house…way too quiet house…slide down the wall…and sob. You sob like you have never sobbed before!

Have you had this night yet? It was the quiet nights that I would only dream about when I was married. “Only if I had a day to myself!!” I would daydream. I would actually fantasize about running away or getting sick…not too sick but sick enough where you couldn’t leave the bed. You could sleep ALLLL DAY and just have quiet uninterrupted time!  I about died from laughter after watching the movie “Bad Moms” and Kristen Bell’s character had the same fantasy!

(Watch this clip from the movie – Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn)

Oh Serenity Now!! Even my mom friends, who are married, tell me sometimes how jealous they are of my “nights off”. But it has taken me a long time to call them “my nights off”. I would dread the evenings alone. I didn’t realize then that I was really scared to be alone; not knowing what I would do with my time and how scared I was to feel loneliness. But without being with your loneliness, how can you get to the solitude?

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Why I Told the Truth to My 13 Year Old

telling your kids the truth

“Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.”            -Pat Benatar

 No one knows this better than a child going through divorce, especially a child who is old enough to remember his or her parents together. He/she has memories of them acting lovingly toward one another. But then one day it all is torn away from them. The kids were told they did nothing wrong. They were told they were loved. Now a year, two, three later this child is still wounded…questioning WHY? Why did Dad leave? Why did Mom let him? Why does it feel like the kid down the block has it all because his/her parents are still together? All valid questions possibly being asked by your child.

telling our kids the truth

Never in my married life did I think I would have to have that conversation with my children…the conversation of “Kids…Dad and Mom are getting a divorce”. (read Telling the Kids blog entry). But it happened. And after the divorce aftershocks calm down and the emotions start to lighten again, you think maybe, just maybe, your kids will be the ones that aren’t “that” fucked up. You find yourself saying, “My kids will be the ones that will be ok.” But then you think of what kind of people you are raising…I always said that I know I have done a good job if both my son and daughter grow up to be compassionate, hard working, and non-entitled individuals. What about if they will be a good boyfriend or girlfriend? And ultimately a good partner, especially, if their example is divorce. And how much of this is “hardwired” and how much is it learned? All questions I started asking myself as I was raising my tween son, James.

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Forgiveness For You

forgiveness for you

 

“You’ll realize how strong you are when you finally forgive someone who isn’t sorry.”      – Horacio Jones

 

What is it like to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry? How about just to forgive? The saying I found myself repeating again and again after my husband of 13+ years cheated on me was – “I’ll forgive but I won’t forget”. It wasn’t until my love, Derek, my first love after my divorce, taught me…but you have to forget too. My heart couldn’t surrender to that…I try but I can’t. How do You forgive? Are you a “forgive and don’t forget” person; or a “forgive and forget” person? Or do you hold onto the pain forever to remind yourself—to catch yourself—like a rubberband around your wrist—SNAP!

forgiveness for you

What I have learned through my 40 years is that in order to move forward you must forgive. Whether you stay with this partner, leave forever, or even keep a friendship…you have to forgive to move forward for Yourself! Forgiveness gives you a sense of letting go…freeing yourself from the past pain. If you hold on to that and do not forgive, then you are holding onto that pain. What good does that do but keep you in a state of hatred, fear and sadness?

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How We Perceive Our Challenges

how we perceive our challenges

 

“I’m just making a conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial”     – Jim Carrey

We all have our “shit”– our challenges we face daily.  Whether it’s a sick parent, challenges with your children, tough job, or a failing marriage/relationship…our shit is our shit.  To each of their own, I like to say.  Don’t let Facebook or (Fakebook), as my 13 year old son calls it, let you think otherwise.  We all are telling our story in different ways.  So what are your challenges?  How do you perceive them?  How do you choose to react to them?

For me…it depends on my state of mind–my inner strength…my soul…my core.  If I’m not taking care of Me, then my inner strength is weakened.  I find myself in a monkey mind of story lines–one’s which may never be true–causing me to react in fear or sadness.  But it’s when we are facing these challenges that we learn so much from ourselves.  If you can stop the “monkey mind” and face your problem with an attitude of “what can I learn from this” , “how is this going to make me stronger”, “can I turn this around to be an A-ha moment”?  It’s all perception– awakening the mind to how to act not react.

When I found out my husband of 13+years had been cheating on me for more then half our marriage…don’t get me wrong— I did react!!  It was the famous “Fight or Flight” moment.  I literally threw up after discovering numerous women’s sexting conversations on his phone.  After a few moments in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror with puffy eyes and tears streaming down my face, I said, “Pull your shit together girl!”.  I proceeded down the hallway to where he slept, while our children lie peacefully in their beds.  Grabbing the baseball bat, we have under the bed, I leaned over his sleeping body as he snored so heavily in his slumber.  I wanted so badly to hurt him the way my heart was hurting…I raised the bat toward his body—(my crazy Britney Spears moment) and then my little voice, my inner strength, whispered in my ear, “your babies are sleeping.”  My beautiful children, whom I made with this man, were sleeping in the next room.  They almost never heard us fight and never knew their perfect little world would soon be over.  I lowered the bat, left the room, and sobbed as my  heart broke into pieces.   I then made a choice at that very moment…My children!  I am MAMA BEAR, hear me roar!!!   I made a choice to slowly, methodically, and calmly handle this challenge with grace and love–not fear.  Now don’t get me wrong–there is more to this story– but I knew that night that he had just given me a gift!  A gift of a new life!  A gift of my children!  And a gift of me finding inner strength I never knew I had.  He awoke the sleeping Phoenix in me and I would rise again.

And wherever you are in your challenges, you can find a gift also.  What good can come out of your situation?  Sometimes they are hidden and take time to see; but trust me…they are there.  Awaken your mind to changing your perception– you will find your strength!

–Soul ♥ Survivor

*Great short featuring Jim Carrey’s speech of choosing “Love not Fear” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TIXuCG1gug

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My Story…

see the heart on my sleeve

“My Story”

As I start to write this…I’m scared, nervous, excited— who the hell cares about “My” Story?  But I’m here to be honest and will always shoot it straight and cut through the bullshit— so that’s why the “Warning Label” on the Home Page.

And I’ll start by saying this — this is my first attempt to a blog!  So please be patient with me while I work through some shit and start this incredible journey.  As the days, weeks, months go by– I will be adding stories, blogs, articles, resources.  My hope is that you will find something here that will be a useful tool for you or at least make you laugh and maybe cry.  Somehow someway be healing to your heart.

“My story” will unfold here for you to read, dissect, and criticize but what gives me the audacity to start a blog about divorce, heartache, marriage, kids, dating?  Well….for one, because I was married for 14 years and have two pretty awesome kids (who are now entering pre-teen/teen).  For reason two– notice the “italicized” WAS married? I found out at the 13.5  year mark of my marriage that my husband had been cheating on me for at least 8 years of our marriage.  And not the had an oopsie- “I fell in love with someone else” kind of cheating— the “I live two lives”- Tiger Woods Platinum Level of cheating!  Awesome! Good Times!  (insert sarcasm).  And through it all– the good, the bad, and the ugly, I held my shit together.  Why?  Because we are badass Moms that’s why!!  I found an amazing therapist/guru, meditation, self love, inner fkn strength I never knew I had, kindness, forgiveness, and yes Love again.

So let my stories be your guide through all of it–divorce, kids, dating again, and everything in between… Think of it as your Soul Survivor’s Guide.  And just to start us off– a few things I have learned along the way:

  • Kindness and Humor gets you a long way.  Kindness can be forgiving when you thought you could never forgive.  And Humor…well…shit…we all need a good laugh sometimes!  Laughter is the best medicine.
  • Your Girlfriends/BFFS will save your life!  True colors shine through the toughest times!  And to get through this huge life transition you will need strong people at your side to peel you off the floor, have your back, bring wine, and everything in between.
  • Power of Your Story will help you find your inner strength.  You will get through this!  And you will get to the other side and see how this is a beginning of a new chapter not the end of your story.  You have to find that power within and be able to rise above…being the Phoenix from the Ashes!

So I’m here for you…let the story unfold…

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: Soul♥Survivor

see the heart on my sleeve

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Hello World!

See the heart on my sleeve

Welcome to my blog –  Heart on My Sleeve – “Soul Repair Not Divorce Despair”

see the heart on my sleeve

 

 

 

Think of this as a “Soul Survivor’s” guide to get you through the heartache, the soul searching, holding it together for the kids, and yes- dating again!  Wherever you might be in your journey, I hope you can find articles that will inspire you, make you laugh, and let you know that you are not alone.  The one thing that truly got me through the tough times of divorce was my friends!  So I dedicate this site to you!  You know who you are…I promise to change the names to protect the innocent and the “not” so innocent.  ;o)  From long nights of tearful phone calls to literally lifting me up from the puddle that was me on the floor– my friends, my community, my family got me through it.  So that’s why I am here for you!!  Let my story help your story!  Remember, you are never alone in this!

*Alix Stone

Visit me at Instagram! @soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: Soul♥Survivor

 

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