Forgiveness For You

forgiveness for you

 

“You’ll realize how strong you are when you finally forgive someone who isn’t sorry.”      – Horacio Jones

 

What is it like to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry? How about just to forgive? The saying I found myself repeating again and again after my husband of 13+ years cheated on me was – “I’ll forgive but I won’t forget”. It wasn’t until my love, Derek, my first love after my divorce, taught me…but you have to forget too. My heart couldn’t surrender to that…I try but I can’t. How do You forgive? Are you a “forgive and don’t forget” person; or a “forgive and forget” person? Or do you hold onto the pain forever to remind yourself—to catch yourself—like a rubberband around your wrist—SNAP!

forgiveness for you

What I have learned through my 40 years is that in order to move forward you must forgive. Whether you stay with this partner, leave forever, or even keep a friendship…you have to forgive to move forward for Yourself! Forgiveness gives you a sense of letting go…freeing yourself from the past pain. If you hold on to that and do not forgive, then you are holding onto that pain. What good does that do but keep you in a state of hatred, fear and sadness?

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Your 2am Phone Call

best friends 2am phone call

 

“Best friends…you fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I get in a paddleboat and save your stupid ass!”      -Girl From Paris

Who are your “girls”? Your 2am phone call…your cry on the shoulder, eat a gallon of ice cream, drink a few bottles of wine, dance all night, talk for hours– girlfriends? We all have them! Whether it’s one, two, or five… “our girls” are who gets us through the best and the worst of times.

For me, my friends are my family. My kids call many of my best girlfriends “auntie”…it’s just how we do it. I’m blessed to have many girlfriends that I can call upon for advice, act as a sounding board, unload in a venting session, and of course chitty chitty chit chat all night long….and usually over many drinks! When I was going through my divorce, the relationship that broke me into a million pieces, “my girls” were there for me. Even when I dug myself into a hole to just feel the pain and never want to face reality of my days, someone was always there doing the right thing. Sometimes it was letting me cry, other times it was coaxing me out on the town…and other times it was cheesy girl movies and hard alcohol! One of my favorites is with my “ROCK”,  my college BFF, Luna.  She and I have “Virtual Happy Hour” over the phone because she lives 600 miles away!  And the funniest time… when one of my girlfriends sent me home with her Marijuana stash (prescription of course) and said, “Smoke it all girl! I don’t want to see you until next week!”  Next week!!!??? She just sent me home with more pot then I had smoked in the last 10 years!

We all have our crew or our BFF, who would fight tooth and nail for you. You know she would be there for you in whatever way she can help. So who do you lean on in the time of need? It’s who I like to call…

 

-“Your 2am Phone Call”.   When I found out that Mark had been cheating on me with an extraordinary amount of women, I lost my shit! Literally ran to the bathroom and threw up. My next move…called Athena! And yes it was close to 2am! Of course she didn’t answer…. she’s a mother of 3 and fast asleep! But she called me 1st thing next morning! I needed her to see the photos I took of Mark’s screenshots…to make sure I wasn’t going crazy!? She even took the kids for a “play date” when I confronted Mark and kicked him out. (Read- “Power Moment” blog) And she has been there ever since.

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Your Power Moment

your power moment

 

“Often it’s the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self”   -Karen Salmansohn

   The Power Moment! The moment when no one can take away your strength…the moment you are the Phoenix rising from the ashes. This is your moment. Have you had this moment yet? Or maybe you are gearing up for it, like going into battle– suit up, pull up your big girl panties and do this! Our lives will hand us shit sometimes. It’s what you do with this shit that will create your personal growth. So let’s talk about those Power Moments and how to get yourself ready for it.

Now for us Divorcees…we all have this moment. Maybe it is as shallow as how hot you looked in front of your ex and his new girlfriend or as wonderful as a win over something you were fighting for in the MSA. Either way, you have had or will have this moment. For me, it was what I like to call “The Confrontation”. The funny thing is it’s like I knew this was going to be my Power Moment. So I actually thought about it and took my time planning it out! It felt like I was making my directorial debut on my Lifetime Movie. “OK people, I want this in one take…let’s make this real…let’s make this raw…let’s do this! ACTION!”

your power moment

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Your Inner Voice

your inner voice

 

“The inner voice is something which cannot be described in words. But sometimes we have a positive feeling that something in us prompts us to do a certain thing. “     -Mahatma Gandhi

 

We have all had that moment in our lives where your “inner voice” is trying to tell you something. Maybe it was when you were a little girl and you had that lump in your throat because you were going to go along with the “other girls” with something bad. Maybe it’s when you were taking a risk and that voice stepped in and said, “YESSS! You got this girl!” Think about how that felt…where the feelings were in your body? Lump in your throat? Catch in your breath? Voice in your head?   No you are not crazy….totally human…and a woman with a 6th sense! We all have it…it’s just how “in tune” we are with it. So what do we do with that intuition? How do we let it help us make decisions in our life’s path?

your inner voice

In my almost 14 year marriage to my ex-husband, I fell asleep at the wheel, which was my marriage. I lost not only my outer voice but also the ability to listen to my inner voice. I pushed MUTE on my intuition, telling myself; this is just what it is to be married and to be married to Mark. I had muted her so much that my body was now screaming at me! Thirty-five pounds later and 3 years of painful sex— I had myself convinced that I either had cancer or some rare disease! My doctor sent me to 2 different specialists to perform various tests, ultrasounds, etc. to find out why I had such pain during intercourse. All doctors sat scratching their heads…they had no idea. But my body knew something was wrong…the only way to protect myself was to close my legs to my husband. Then the voice in my head got louder until one day driving home from the gym, I heard her loud and clear! “CHECK HIS PHONE!”

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How We Perceive Our Challenges

how we perceive our challenges

 

“I’m just making a conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial”     – Jim Carrey

We all have our “shit”– our challenges we face daily.  Whether it’s a sick parent, challenges with your children, tough job, or a failing marriage/relationship…our shit is our shit.  To each of their own, I like to say.  Don’t let Facebook or (Fakebook), as my 13 year old son calls it, let you think otherwise.  We all are telling our story in different ways.  So what are your challenges?  How do you perceive them?  How do you choose to react to them?

For me…it depends on my state of mind–my inner strength…my soul…my core.  If I’m not taking care of Me, then my inner strength is weakened.  I find myself in a monkey mind of story lines–one’s which may never be true–causing me to react in fear or sadness.  But it’s when we are facing these challenges that we learn so much from ourselves.  If you can stop the “monkey mind” and face your problem with an attitude of “what can I learn from this” , “how is this going to make me stronger”, “can I turn this around to be an A-ha moment”?  It’s all perception– awakening the mind to how to act not react.

When I found out my husband of 13+years had been cheating on me for more then half our marriage…don’t get me wrong— I did react!!  It was the famous “Fight or Flight” moment.  I literally threw up after discovering numerous women’s sexting conversations on his phone.  After a few moments in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror with puffy eyes and tears streaming down my face, I said, “Pull your shit together girl!”.  I proceeded down the hallway to where he slept, while our children lie peacefully in their beds.  Grabbing the baseball bat, we have under the bed, I leaned over his sleeping body as he snored so heavily in his slumber.  I wanted so badly to hurt him the way my heart was hurting…I raised the bat toward his body—(my crazy Britney Spears moment) and then my little voice, my inner strength, whispered in my ear, “your babies are sleeping.”  My beautiful children, whom I made with this man, were sleeping in the next room.  They almost never heard us fight and never knew their perfect little world would soon be over.  I lowered the bat, left the room, and sobbed as my  heart broke into pieces.   I then made a choice at that very moment…My children!  I am MAMA BEAR, hear me roar!!!   I made a choice to slowly, methodically, and calmly handle this challenge with grace and love–not fear.  Now don’t get me wrong–there is more to this story– but I knew that night that he had just given me a gift!  A gift of a new life!  A gift of my children!  And a gift of me finding inner strength I never knew I had.  He awoke the sleeping Phoenix in me and I would rise again.

And wherever you are in your challenges, you can find a gift also.  What good can come out of your situation?  Sometimes they are hidden and take time to see; but trust me…they are there.  Awaken your mind to changing your perception– you will find your strength!

–Soul ♥ Survivor

*Great short featuring Jim Carrey’s speech of choosing “Love not Fear” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TIXuCG1gug

My Story…

see the heart on my sleeve

“My Story”

As I start to write this…I’m scared, nervous, excited— who the hell cares about “My” Story?  But I’m here to be honest and will always shoot it straight and cut through the bullshit— so that’s why the “Warning Label” on the Home Page.

And I’ll start by saying this — this is my first attempt to a blog!  So please be patient with me while I work through some shit and start this incredible journey.  As the days, weeks, months go by– I will be adding stories, blogs, articles, resources.  My hope is that you will find something here that will be a useful tool for you or at least make you laugh and maybe cry.  Somehow someway be healing to your heart.

“My story” will unfold here for you to read, dissect, and criticize but what gives me the audacity to start a blog about divorce, heartache, marriage, kids, dating?  Well….for one, because I was married for 14 years and have two pretty awesome kids (who are now entering pre-teen/teen).  For reason two– notice the “italicized” WAS married? I found out at the 13.5  year mark of my marriage that my husband had been cheating on me for at least 8 years of our marriage.  And not the had an oopsie- “I fell in love with someone else” kind of cheating— the “I live two lives”- Tiger Woods Platinum Level of cheating!  Awesome! Good Times!  (insert sarcasm).  And through it all– the good, the bad, and the ugly, I held my shit together.  Why?  Because we are badass Moms that’s why!!  I found an amazing therapist/guru, meditation, self love, inner fkn strength I never knew I had, kindness, forgiveness, and yes Love again.

So let my stories be your guide through all of it–divorce, kids, dating again, and everything in between… Think of it as your Soul Survivor’s Guide.  And just to start us off– a few things I have learned along the way:

  • Kindness and Humor gets you a long way.  Kindness can be forgiving when you thought you could never forgive.  And Humor…well…shit…we all need a good laugh sometimes!  Laughter is the best medicine.
  • Your Girlfriends/BFFS will save your life!  True colors shine through the toughest times!  And to get through this huge life transition you will need strong people at your side to peel you off the floor, have your back, bring wine, and everything in between.
  • Power of Your Story will help you find your inner strength.  You will get through this!  And you will get to the other side and see how this is a beginning of a new chapter not the end of your story.  You have to find that power within and be able to rise above…being the Phoenix from the Ashes!

So I’m here for you…let the story unfold…

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: Soul♥Survivor

see the heart on my sleeve

Hello World!

See the heart on my sleeve

Welcome to my blog –  Heart on My Sleeve – “Soul Repair Not Divorce Despair”

see the heart on my sleeve

 

 

 

Think of this as a “Soul Survivor’s” guide to get you through the heartache, the soul searching, holding it together for the kids, and yes- dating again!  Wherever you might be in your journey, I hope you can find articles that will inspire you, make you laugh, and let you know that you are not alone.  The one thing that truly got me through the tough times of divorce was my friends!  So I dedicate this site to you!  You know who you are…I promise to change the names to protect the innocent and the “not” so innocent.  ;o)  From long nights of tearful phone calls to literally lifting me up from the puddle that was me on the floor– my friends, my community, my family got me through it.  So that’s why I am here for you!!  Let my story help your story!  Remember, you are never alone in this!

*Alix Stone

Visit me at Instagram! @soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: Soul♥Survivor