Part 1 of a  Series:  Different Kinds of Love

“I thought of all the different kinds of love in the world. I could think of ten without even trying. The way parents love their kids, the way you love a puppy or chocolate ice cream or home or your favorite book or your sister. Or your uncle. There’s those kinds of love and then there’s the other kind.  The falling kind.”       – Carol Rifka Brunt

February comes around and as you enter every grocery store, Walgreens, Big Box Store – Bam! There it is right in your face- LOVE– Or at least the “Hallmark Version” of Love. Paper hearts, valentines, ad campaigns for jewelry— it’s everywhere you turn. But what is the true meaning of Love? When you hear this word—what is the first thought that comes to mind? Is it your children? Family? Lover? Your dog? Love can encompass so many relationships. But when we see the hearts, the valentines, the commercials bombarding us come February – most of us think of Luvvvvvvvv! (said in my best Barry White impression). Turn down the lights baby and slide over here. Oh yayyyyyy—- Lovvvve! But how many kinds of love are there? Is there more than one type of love? Can you love more than one person at one time? Can you love two people equally? And all the different loves in your lifetime…love of your friends, family, pets, children and even yourself…where does it all fit into place?

A few years ago, as I worked with my guru/therapist/Divorce Coach through my divorce, the subject of Love was a constant topic on the table. It was a time for me that I was questioning how I could have fallen in love with a man, be married to him for almost 14 years, have two children—my best friend for nearly two decades, my partner in crime, my one and only as we were ONE. Then from zero to sixty, fall out of love with him after discovering that he had been cheating on me for 8 years. It was easy for me to understand my anger and feeling like I hated him—but also questioning “How did he do that to me, if he truly loved me? Then after moving on with my life, trying to make sense of, “Was he the Love of My Life?” Was that all I got in this life? Or will I have other loves? I felt like I had a second chance at life— and I hope that would mean new loves and relationships; but would it be a series of different levels of love in hopes of one day finding my Soul Mate, Twin Flame, LOML (Love of my Life) or was I destined to have already had that One Love and now just to stumble through life in a multiple of relationships—trying to find myself?

But through much self work, I would discover that life is not about ONE LOVE—we experience different kinds of love throughout our lives. It’s just when we hear the word LOVE – we associate that with the BIG LOVE — the “falling kind”. So what are the different types of love that we do experience in our lifetime? And how many are there? Depending on what you read- there can be numerous types…so its up to you to decipher what you believe. In my research and experience, I feel there are 5 types of love—but in the world of psychology and even studying writing from the Greeks—who were beyond their time- discussed 7 different types. For me, a few of these may overlap…but for this intent and purpose let’s discuss 5.

• Love for your children
• Love for your family/friends
• Love for someone you respect – a mentor, teacher, coach
• Love for yourself
• Love for a partner

Now a few of these can be elaborated on and others have some gray areas. Let’s take each one and dissect a bit.

Love for your children—now this is an easy one. There is no love like the love from a mother or father to their child. Whether it be a natural child, an adopted child or step child, there is an undying love between that one parent to that one child. You have heard the stories of the mother that lifted the car with super human strength to save their child. The stories of parents loving their children despite drug problem or making poor life decisions. There is no other love! No matter what your children do—you may be upset with them; but you would never stop loving them. You would put your own happiness aside for your children’s betterment. We single mother’s know this the best. When our lives came crashing down with a failed marriage, divorce, separation etc., did you not put on a “mask”, your happy face, dig your heels in and take care of everything? Of course you did! You held everything together so that your children would not suffer. Even at times maybe even overcompensating because of “mom guilt”; but in the end you would always put your children first! Even if it meant you would put your kids to bed at night, close your bedroom door and cry for hours…finally releasing the tension and problems on the day.

Now a gray area for some—not for me—but for some would be our love of our pets. There are people who may have never had children and their “fur babies” are their children. And I think of my children and how much they love their dog, Gunner and their two kitties. They would save their pets and run through a burning building for them! And isn’t that the same as a “parental love for their children”? This love could be the strongest of them all!

Love for your family/friends. Now I put these together—family and friends—because if you are anything like me, my friends are my family. I have friends that feel more like family to me than my own sometimes. And definitely many of my friends, girlfriends mostly, know me better then my own siblings and parents. The love you share with your family and friends can be intertwined—we are blessed with beautiful people in our lives—for different reasons and at different times. But it’s the friends that carry on through the good and the bad, showing their true colors, that sometimes shine brighter than own members of our family. I always like the saying, “You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family”. This love grows and changes throughout our lifetime. When we are young and grow up with siblings, it is one way, and as we grow older, move away, get married – this relationship may get stronger or weaker. The love for family/friends needs to be nourished. And we get what we put into it. Depending on what challenges we are facing in our life, sometimes the relationship will be a give and take. But no matter, you will always love these people in your life…it’s just a love that fluctuates with time, distance and circumstance.

The love for someone you respect and/or look up to like a teacher, coach, mentor, priest/preacher. This is someone you have an adoration for and look up to. Some people may not recognize this as “love”…but it’s a feeling for someone that comes from respect. Did you have that one coach that took you under their wing and mentored you maybe even more so than a parent? Or did you ever have a mentor that taught you what it was to be a business person and give you life and/or career guidance? Maybe this person was a family member so this is where you can have some cross over; but the love you have for someone you look up to is a very unique love. It’s a deep connection and adoration but never a love for a non friend/family member that would cross any line. It’s purely a respect of someone usually someone older that influences your life significantly in one way or another.

The love for yourself. Maybe by far the most important love and the one many of us struggle with until we are faced with a traumatic experience, life change or just gaining maturity. We are never really taught to love ourselves…it’s usually not a conscious decision. As women we grow up looking at magazines of beautiful women, models, super athletes. We are sold makeup and hair products to continue to make ourselves look fit, beautiful and younger. But what about being ok in our own skin and loving ourselves just how we are? Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to dress nice, work out, eat healthy and better our minds and bodies; but it’s when you are constantly comparing yourself to someone else and not loving YOU that becomes a problem. So how do we embrace ourselves and love ourselves? Through discovering who we are—what do we love to do, what excites us, what drives us? As divorcees and single women, we definitely need to go through this stage to come out on the other side the “Phoenix from the Ashes”. It’s not until we are torn down from a life we thought we were “supposed to be living” that we discover the naked truth—who the fuck are we? After marriage, kids, career, and now a whole new life—we struggle with finding ourselves again while we are managing kids, career, and dating again. It is true though—you cannot LOVE anyone truly until you love yourself. Bumps, bruises, cellulite, flat boobs, and muffin tops and all—Find that love for yourself and you will radiate love to all. This is when the vibration of the new loving you will transcend to others and new love relationships will be born.

The LOVE- the Falling Kind! Oh man…saved the best most complicated one for last! This one is one I still struggle with, question, and feel that there are so many dimensions. There are so many that I will continue my series on just this one type of LOVE. It’s why I write my blog and share my memoires…it’s what we are all searching for and have either found or have much experience with throughout our lives. Love or Luvvvvvv—however you look at it – this one word can flip your whole world upside down. We are all familiar with the butterflies, sweaty palms, anticipation of a first kiss and the excitement of getting to know someone new. This is the romantic kind of love. So, the million dollar question- Do we have one LOVE of our lifetime? Do we have more than one and at different levels? One thing I read constantly is the idea that we have three major loves of our lifetime. Three? Why three? When I look back on my life of 42 years, I was very picky of my “lovers” and can definitely pick some significant men in my life that I would consider strong contenders of my “top three”, but come on; three? What do we base this on? For me, it’s where I was in my life. Which men really changed me? When talking about what a soul mate is – it’s someone who you love and who helps you grow significantly in your life. Someone who comes into your life and when you leave the relationship, you are changed forever. Well of course we can always think back at our first true love—usually high school sweetheart. This is someone we met young and grew up together; probably having many of our “firsts” with and in many cases our first sexual experience. And then for many of us, there is the college love, the one we had in college that changed us significantly. Whether we married either of these loves or not—does this mean you only had these one or two big experiences and that’s it? Or does it mean there is more to come in your life? What about those that had all these experiences, never got married and are still seeking these loves or the ONE LOVE? There are just too many scenerios to count. And to each of our own…whose to say we only experience the one or the three? I used to live my life by the “three” idea and now started to rethink. Because the older I get and the more experiences I have, life and love just keep getting better. And recently in the last 4 years since my divorce, I have been so lucky in love and the men I have had in my life. Each one has taught me something new about myself…so maybe it’s just where I am in my life. Of course, I hope and being the hopeless romantic that I am…I do want that ONE companion in my life to grow old with. I want to share my life with my Man, the one that is beyond all others—but will that happen? I hope so. More to write on this topic later…

So whether you believe in ONE love or many loves, it is pretty clear that we will all experience many different kinds of love throughout our lifetime. Maybe it’s a love of your life, a bond with your child, a furry four legged friend or someone you grew up looking up to…we are all lucky in love! To see your true blessings in friendships, family, and relationships is the key here. And where does it all start; but truly loving yourself and radiating that love towards others. When you can see your self worth and see within the love that you are able to give; you will start to notice that everyone around you is LOVE too!

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: SoulSurvivor

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“You are leaping into a new reality here — it’s not your job to know the how; it’s your job to ask for what you want and wait to discover the how, then take action.”   – Jen Sincero (YOU are a BADASS)

Well, you did it! You survived the holidays!! For most, this time of year is full of family gatherings, holiday parties with couples and the awesome wonderment in your children’s eyes over all the holiday hustle and bustle. But not everyone is keen on the “Holiday Scene”…I’m talking about us “Divorcees”.   When you are divorced, whether it is the first year separated, the 5^th or even the 10^th year, the holidays bring a different vibe and energy then maybe they once did before. The facts are that its different now. Maybe you have some old memories, resentment or maybe even a fresh outlook to start new traditions. But no matter how you look at it, there is at least a few moments of sadness, hurt or loneliness that happen for us as we enter and finish the holiday season. So how do you get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?

Now this is not a Pity Party Session! This isn’t about “poor me” I’m divorced and the holidays suck. This is about being honest about how it feels, what you are going through and how to find new outlooks.   The facts are it does suck! Let’s be honest…kids bouncing back and forth between the Ex, ex in-laws, your family, parties, commitments, traveling, decorating and keeping everyone happy while you keep your sanity. Before we get to the restart part, we have to talk about what we just endured. The hardest part of the Divorcee Holiday is the fact that your old traditions included a family unit and if you are now single, and not yet with another partner, this family unit feels off balance. What traditions do you keep for yourself and what ones does your “Wuzband” carry on? How do you keep the kids somewhat grounded while they bounce back and forth? How about being single during the holidays—all the holiday movies portraying family and finding love. All the parties, work or social, are all bring +1 and/or the family—and that’s if you get invited to these parties anymore, since you are now the lone wolf.

I find myself starting to tense up around November 15^th…Thanksgiving around the corner and the count down to Christmas begins! The first year was maybe the easiest in some ways, because I was so angry. I was like “F- it all”! I’m going to spoil the hell out of the kids and toss all old traditions that were shit and I hated (because they had to do with Mark’s family obligations) and keep all the traditions I wanted. But mainly I wanted to start fresh…ground ZERO! I relished in a few days of no kids before Christmas day, because it allowed me time to wrap presents or go out with girlfriends to grab a few stiff cocktails. To top it off, Mark didn’t have his own place yet, so kids weren’t bouncing between homes. But as the years have gone by with the MSA settled and holiday schedule in stone, things are changing. Both Mark and I have settled into a routine and the kids have some old traditions still with family and new traditions started between homes. So why isn’t it easier? I even was in a serious relationship with Derek last holiday season…you would think that would help. Not really…it just felt different but not in a way of this “feels like home”. It was different in the way it felt forced. (Another story for another time.) What I have discovered, especially in this past year– Year #4 into the divorce, that this was the first year I was actually honest. I was honest with myself and others that this time of year SUCKS! I actually said it out loud! Usually followed by a double take from my friends and then a “Awww…(sad face/pity smile). But it was ok. I took my mask off for the first time this past holiday season and told friends, I actually can’t wait until January 1^st. I just wanted to put my head down and just suck it up—not looking up until we got over the hump of New Year’s Day. I of course decorated and did all the fun things with the kids. This is really the only thing that gave me joy—is to see how happy the kids are this time of year and how they look forward to certain traditions.

The most important thing that came out of this season was the honesty and special time I did spend with my kids. James, my son, now almost 14 and Dani, my daughter, 10. They are wise beyond their years. They have been at this divorce thing for awhile now and have grown up so well. Not once have I ever bad-mouthed their father (to their face), even through the holidays, when Mark is beyond over the top in his narcissistic ways.   Now that the kids are older, they see through their father’s bad behavior and it has actually brought the kids and I closer then ever. One evening during dinner, I asked the kids what they were looking forward to for the holidays. What were their favorite traditions. Each of them had their own ideas—some with their dad and some with me. But then James asked… “Mom, why don’t we have our traditional Christmas dinner anymore?” I stopped in my tracks…I finally realized and accepted that wow, yes, I haven’t “cooked” for Christmas in 4 years ! As a married woman, every year, Mark and I would open our home Christmas Day and host! After 12pm mainly Mark’s family, due to proximity, would come to our home to celebrate. We would also take in neighbors and the “strays” – family and friends, who were alone for whatever reason, to drink, open presents, eat, and just enjoy time together. I was always in the kitchen cooking, drinking and enjoying having “my holiday”. Well….that all went away after Mark and I split; and I don’t think I ever really dealt with those emotions. I was becoming the Matriarch and Christmas was mine…I always envisioned our home being where everyone would come to celebrate…now that was gone. Initially in some ways the pressure and stress, a relief not to be there…but now honestly years later, a large void. And an emptiness of sorts, one that the kids, well at least James, my oldest, remembering how our home was and now it wasn’t that way. Dani, my little socialite, is always up for a party and piped in… “Mama…why don’t we have people over this year!? Can we eat in the dining room with all the fancy plates and candles…Maybe you can cook all the yummy things you do!” I was surprised at my reaction…

“I’m not ready.” I said solemnly.

The kids looked at me with a confused look…

I continued… “Kids…it’s hard…for so many years it was your dad and I…family…traditions…and now it’s different. All that is gone and I haven’t felt in a good enough place to honestly open my home and heart in that way yet.”

As I was speaking the kids listened intently and very compassionately. I was so proud of them. I realized that this was the first time that I was not only honest with them about my feelings surrounding the holidays, but honest with myself as well! I could see in their eyes, they understood but yet as kids wanted to find ways to make mom feel better.

Dani continued to encourage me through the next few weeks. As I thought back at our last few Christmases and how I was going so far away from our normal traditions…why? Fear? Not wanting to hurt? Like the Christmas when we went to pizza and a movie!   Or the year after, when I made tacos! No Honeybaked ham, mashed potatoes, green beans or Christmas cookies. OMG! What am I doing? I knew in time I would find my way…just as in grief…don’t let others tell you when to move on…but be open minded and open hearted to listen to yourself. To listen to your loved ones, especially your kids, and let them help to give that gentle push when you need it. So….this year I did it! I told the kids three days before Christmas…I’m ready! I ordered the Honey glazed baked ham, prepped their favorite homemade mashed potatoes, made the Christmas cookies and poured the sparking cider. Dani lit the candles, James helped stack firewood for the fire and we did it! We had an amazing dinner the three of us and it was perfect! The following day I invited our neighbors and dearest friends over for a “2^nd” Christmas Dinner and it was even more perfect. And guess what? It felt good! For the first time in four years, I realized, I can do this again. Each year will get better and easier to add new traditions and bring old ones back in. So I started thinking…the New Year is here and how can we use this momentum of starting the New Year off right and start looking ahead to find new ways to renew, refresh and restart. So when we get through January and the let down of the post holiday, we will be putting our best foot forward and be ready to do this all over again in 11 months. So how do we do it?

Post Holiday Hangover:

It’s January and what I call the January Blues set in. The weather colder, the days darker, even all the trees bare with their wintery style all contribute to “da blues”. After the hustle of the holidays, you may find yourself in a bit of a funky hangover of sorts—sadness yet relief that all the holiday build up is over. You look in the mirror and see the bloated belly from extra sweets, alcohol, egg nog and other vices. You probably can’t look at another box of chocolates and that blow up Santa on your neighbor’s lawn just looks sad and out of place now. So now what? Take a few days and relax. Sure take the dried up fire hazard of your Christmas tree down, pack up the ornaments, but leave the holiday lights up. Why not?   Don’t be so hard on yourself to pack it all away January 1…know that the kids will be back at school within the week and things will get done. Just be proud of yourself that you survived, the kids got what they wanted for Christmas and you will lose your Holiday Gut by bikini season.

Back into the Routine:

Yesssss!!!   It’s Monday morning and the kids are back in school! Winter Break is over as you say to your darling children, under your breath, “Get your little butts out of my house and back to school!!” There is nothing like “back into the routine” to help you establish new habits and re-establish the good old habits. So get those kids back to school and settle back in. The first week is always the hardest with the morning routine and then homework and after school activities back in swing, but soon enough you will be back at it like an old pro.

New Intentions:

I never liked the sound of “New Year’s Resolutions”…there is such a “set yourself up to fail” tone I never liked. Like something you should have done and didn’t do it….something to resolve or look in the past to fix. I instead like, “Setting Your Intentions”. There is a freshness to it…a “Can Do” tone to it. You can use your “back into the routine” to reset and establish some new habits. What is it this year you want to accomplish? Are there personal goals…career goals…family goals? Always set some goals for YOU! You need to be the best you so you can be the best mom, partner, friend you can be. Career and family goals are just as important and should be talked about among your peers and family. My kids and I actually sit down during dinner or in a car ride and each discuss what we are looking forward to in the coming year and something they want to try or work on. Write them down! I keep an Evernote on my phone called “Goals”. One section is career and another personal. I write them down and through the year read them. And reset…you may need to change them a bit and/or use them to recommit to your intentions if you get off track.

Reflect & Refresh:

Looking in the past year and especially in this case, reflecting on the difficulties of getting through the holidays…what have you learned about yourself? Did you finalize the MSA, newly separate or break up with your first post divorce relationship? Did you meet someone new? Are you finally feeling solitude and not loneliness? How have the kids changed this year? How did you deal with the Ex this holiday season? Did you feel resentment/loneliness or relief/solitude? And what traditions did you keep, add, or leave behind? All of these things important to reflect on—not to obsess on or grieve. There is no better time then the newness of the New Year to release, forgive and let go. After you reflect, then you can refresh! What next year do you want to do differently when it comes to the holidays? How do you envision your next holiday season to be like? With a clear head and an open heart, you will be able to better see what you may want to incorporate into next year. By the time the holidays roll around again, you will be prepared and on solid ground for what you want and what you are ready for….you might even surprise yourself!

The last couple months of the year can be difficult for many reasons, but know that with each year will come new opportunities to create something beautiful for you and your family. Your kids will get older and the magic can fade, but find ways in your life to continue that spirit and traditions that are important to you. Be open to the encouragement from family and friends to see beyond the self doubt and pity party. And when January hits and you are feeling “da blues”, be kind to yourself. Find that sunshine— literally! Vitamin D will lift your spirits!! Fresh air will invigorate your soul!! Sit with yourself and your emotions to reflect, refresh and reset! You never know where this New Year will take you. As we all know, life can throw some crazy things your way and can change in an instance. So hold on—you got this girl!

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: SoulSurvivor

The post Beat the January Blues – Reset Renew Refresh appeared first on ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥.

“Before you get in a relationship you must heal the broken pieces inside of you. We must never make our partners of the future suffer because of the mistakes from our partners of the past.”

– Sylvester McNutt

Def Leppard may have had it all right—

“You’re bringin’ on the heartbreak

Takin’ all the best of me

Oh can’t you see

You got the best of me

Whoa can’t you see

You’re bringin’ on the heartache”

Bringing on the heartache can be inevitable in a relationship that may be coming to an end. But how do we get to this point in the relationship? What brought us here– to this moment in time? Was it something they said? Maybe it was their values, morals, or just a something annoying? How about your own shit you haven’t dealt with past relationships and exes? Or how about your partner’s exes and baggage? This can be detrimental to a relationship – not only brining on the heartache but bringing in the Ex! Now I don’t mean the Ex is still hanging around…I’m talking about when the Ex is gone, not in the picture any more but remaining issues that maybe weren’t dealt with are continuing to be apart of your relationship. Whether it’s you or your partner—Bringing in the Ex needs to be put in the past and dealt with in a healthy way.

The signs were all there with Derek. When we met from an online dating Ap…it felt like there was hope in online dating. Wow, I actually met someone that wasn’t a freak! But just two weeks in, I learned that Derek had broken up with his ex of 3 ½ years just as recent as 4 months prior. Enough time to heal? Maybe…but when you live with someone and help raise his/her kids for 3 ½ years…it’s more like a divorce. According to Derek it was a very unhealthy relationship full of narcissism, addiction, manipulation and just unhealthy expectations. Just two weeks into dating him, he told me  that he had a spiritual guru guide him in a “psychological divorce”. Say what now?! Derek was truly emotional about it and kept insisting by psychologically divorcing her, he would be able to date me…Red Flag number one!  As our relationship grew in the next months, through the death of his father, sobriety, and healing physical injuries, it became apparent to me that Derek was still struggling moving on from his Ex. He would constantly say things off the cuff about her, her boys and/or if I did something that reminded him of her—he would quickly point it out to me! Yuck!

One day as a white Porsche drove by on a crowded freeway, he commented, “I hate Porsches”. “Uh why?”, I would ask… “My ex had one.” He quickly responded…Red Flag #2.  Another time, he started in one day about missing “the boys”; and he always talked about them as they were his. Yes, he helped raise them for 3 years but when I suggested one day, “Maybe he needed to move on.” He got very upset, raising his voice, “I never got to say GOODBYE!” I knew he needed closure to that relationship. I offered him to go to my guru to do some EMDR work to help forgive his Ex, let the boys go and move on from this dysfunctional relationship. The EMDR work I did for 2 years was instrumental in my healing from my divorce and other childhood issues.  I wanted Derek to heal…I did it for my “friend”, who was hurting and hoping that yes, maybe it could move him forward in life and in relationships. Maybe even a relationship with me.

I offered him some of my paid sessions to work through his emotions through this special meditative therapy. Derek went a few times and felt positive with his progress.  Unfortunately, despite his good efforts, time and time again throughout our almost 2 year relationship, his Ex and her boys continued to come up repeatedly! One point he accused me of taking holiday photos with the kids and not including him. I hadn’t taken photos that year because I couldn’t afford to; but even if I did, I didn’t feel he and I were in an appropriate point in our relationship to include him on the holiday card! Additionally, about 17 months into dating Derek, he mentioned to me that he still had some personal items he needed to reacquire from his Ex’s house…Red Flag #3 (but hope this time).

When he returned from her home, he joyfully called me to share the news. Derek was so happy to share that it felt so good to “finally close that door with her and say goodbye. And now his heart was open to love me”…Red Flag #4   Wait! What?  So this whole time we were dating and I knew in my gut that he was still not over her or the “boys”—and he was defensive with me when I would call him out on it…that he actually was still not over her!  LIGHTBULB!  Epiphany!!!!!! DUH, Alix! WTF!? I knew the whole time— now Heart finally accepted what Mind may have known this whole time.  (Conversations Between Heart and Mind).

So how do we release past lovers, exes, husbands, boyfriends/girlfriends from our lives and not allow it to creep into our NOW relationships? Are you bringing in the “Ex” baggage or are they? It’s so important to deal with our shit before re-entering into the atmosphere of a new relationship. If you do not evaluate and deal with your past, you will repeat the same old patterns or make your new partner feel like you are still with this old person. No one wants to hear about the Ex—it’s the past- Move on! So how do we do it—how do we move on? It’s almost like the Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens—where the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future are visiting you in the story of your life.

Ghosts of Relationships Past:

This is the big one…the root of all-evil and why you are reading this!

If it wasn’t for your Ex, you wouldn’t be here now asking yourself questions of what went wrong, why the relationship ended, how it happened, who continues to haunt you. So forgive! Forgive that person and cut the ties that bond you forever.

The first step is find forgiveness for YOU. (Read Forgiveness) Once you forgive then you can start the healing process. One thing that helped me and was taught to me by a very incredible woman, was participating in a special visualization/meditation practice.

In this meditation, you mentally visualize your Ex and what physically bonds you. It might be represented in a chain, rope, string or something else. Then visualize where that attaches to your body. Is it your heart, stomach, chest, or somewhere else? You walk through this meditation, talking to your Ex and letting them know:

-How they hurt you.

-What makes you mad.

-What they taught you.

-What you loved about them.

-And then forgive them.

At this point, you then mentally cut the bond that ties you together. Is it fire that burns the rope? Or a knife that cuts it? There is no wrong answer….its what you are feeling. You then imagine yourself disposing off that material that bonded you. Lastly, you visualize yourself walking into a body of water. It could be an ocean, river, lake, or even a shower. You then let the water wash over you…cleansing all the baggage they brought into your life. You emerge from the water refreshed and renewed. This visualization/meditation doesn’t mean you should never talk or see this person again…it just releases you from the “old” relationship; allowing for a new one to be born and/or new relationships with others despite this one to be healthy ones.

For some, meditation or visualization may not be for you. If this may not be your style…try to find in yourself a way to physically let go of the past of this Ex. Write a letter to them stating what made you mad, what they taught you, what you loved and how you forgive them. But don’t send it…burn it or tear it up and throw it way. The physical act of this will bring you closer and release.

Ghosts of Relationships Present:

If you are able to let go, forgive and move on, then the Ghosts of Relationships Past will not creep into your Relationships Present. And if this present relationship should someday come to an end, you will not only allow past baggage to continue to influence; but you can resolve new issues that arise more quickly. You will create a healthier breakup between your partners. You will leave a relationship empowered and know that they served a purposeful path for you to continue. Now I’m not saying you will never cry and be that puddle on the floor…with each relationship comes a grieving period. I’m just saying that you will find healthier ways to move on and look back on a break up and see “the Why” more clearly. You will continue to see yourself more clearly as well. You will always continue to have work to do on yourself; but with each relationship you should change and grow.

Ghosts of Relationships Future:

So now you are learning to heal and mend the broken pieces of you; and also let go of past and present issues. Good job! Now for the future….just as Sylvester McNutt is quoted earlier, “We must never make our partners of the future suffer because of the mistakes from our partners in the past.” With a healthy “letting go of past”,  you should be able to approach new relationships with a fresh outlook, a healthy mind and an open heart. You may find that you may have to rinse and repeat a few times in future relationships, but at least you are becoming a better you.

With each relationship brings a new path and a new lesson. It should get easier, right? I hope so! There will still be those that break us like no other; but I feel that’s when you grow the most! If you are aware of that and be honest with yourself in looking at the faults of your past lovers as well as yourself, you are killin’ it! You are half way there— so keep it up girl!   You got this!

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: SoulSurvivor

The post Dating After Divorce 101: Bringing in the Ex appeared first on ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥.

“I loved you with all my heart. For the first time in my life, loving someone fully with body and soul. But it wasn’t enough.”

-Alix Stone

Break up. Break down.  Broken heart. Broken pieces.  It’s all like the shattered glass on the floor.  Shards of glass you sweep up and when you have finally cleaned up, hoping to have gotten all the pieces— there in the corner – deep in the corner of the room…a glistening piece of glass that splintered off.  A reminder that you may still be a little broken, but with each relationship you are learning more about yourself and will sparkle again. It’s what I like to call the “Break up…Again”, your first break up with your first real solid relationship post divorce life. This break up is when you realize that all the work you have been doing on yourself up to this point has been worth it. It won’t be clear right away. You may even bounce back and forth between “Is this the worst decision of my life” to “I’m already out the door”. But the post divorce first break up can be similar to a game of football with time outs, play ball, and replays. Until one day, you are able to really get back on the “You” track of life yet again.

Ok…so you did it…You fell in love…again. You learned to trust, love and be vulnerable…again. But what happens when your love relationship, post divorce, is now one that takes a turn? Maybe the relationship is getting more serious and you need to decide if this is your “forever”? Or maybe they make that decision for you and leave? Whatever the situation, this break up will be like no other in your whole dating life. You are a different person now—stronger, wiser and with different priorities. But…wait, can you trust your mind and heart again? Are you listening to the right one? (Conversations Between Heart and Mind) This moment while you are breaking up can be extremely difficult. The truth is that while we may be different people, we are also older. Maybe you are scared to let go of a relationship that might be comfortable; but is it good enough for the long haul or would you be settling? Let’s face it…we aren’t in our 20’s anymore and finding a great relationship “again” in your 40’s or 50’s is not as easy as it was when we were younger. You have heard the saying, “all the good ones are taken”. So then this weird shift starts to happen. It’s like the Super Bowl game and the playoff champs are your Heart vs Mind. Each ready to play on the field for the opportunity to win big!

My break up with Derek started in the first quarter of the year and didn’t end to the last!  1^st Quarter, (whistle blew), and yes it felt like a game. It started with me and a very “it’s not you it’s me” moment. Our relationship was changing. Derek wanted to be more involved with my kids, helping me and yes staying over for more extended periods of time. Before I knew it, I felt the shift with him…making dinner together, settling into a routine and then expectations of spending holidays and vacations together. You would think a woman would want nothing less than a man, a great man, to love her, to care for her and to do the same for her kids. But as our relationship grew closer, I started to pull away. It started to feel like Derek had a time clock set and the quarter was ending. There were expectations now of what our relationship meant and where it was going. Talk of moving in, marriage, raising the kids together…and all I wanted to do was run the other way. Why? It was a constant battle between my Heart and Mind. At first, I thought it was just too soon after my divorce. Almost 2 years…should be plenty of time, right? Or was it the wrong guy? I kept thinking…if he was “my forever”, then wouldn’t I be running at him 100mph, like a defensive lineman making the Quarterback sack? Nope…I felt more like the Pee Wee Football player running the wrong way down the field with the football as the crowd is jumping up and down shouting, “wrong way, wrong way”!

“What is wrong with me?” I would ask myself all too often.

So it happened…end of the 1^st Quarter, I told Derek I needed some time and space.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” I finally mustered out.

But it didn’t go so eloquently as you would think…it was more of like a blubbering, crying, hot mess during a beautiful dinner at a very nice and highly frequented restaurant. Good times! Here I was ugly crying all over my beautiful Wild Mushroom Rissoto. We left to go to his house, where I continued to be a sobbing mess…leaving in a haste, I ended up sending him a final goodbye the next day…in a text. Yes…a text! Winner!

Although over the next few weeks, we carried on through long texts and conversations over the phone, we didn’t see each other until middle of the 2^nd quarter, almost half time. Derek came to see my daughter’s play at her request and my approval. He looked great and I felt strong and in a good place. And then it started—our half time show—complete with fireworks, make up sex, lingerie and flowers. Derek was a pro and knowing exactly how to win my heart…again! We agreed that we would only “date” and just stay present—no expectations or future plans. Let’s just “be”, enjoy and love each other as long as it felt right.

Whistle blows, 3^rd Quarter…Team Heart and Team Mind were at it again! Fight, Fight, Ra, Ra…back and forth the battle went! Until overthinking Mind took over and went down for a touch down but gets tackled by Heart…Oh…there’s a fumble! The crowd goes wild…who’s ball will it be? I ended up breaking up with Derek…again! But this time, he gave me the space I needed and I told him to not hold on to my heart… “to fly”. And if we are meant to be we will come back together. I think I actually said:

“I finally understand what quote means…‘If you love them set them free.  So, Derek…you need to let me go.”

Back in 1^st Quarter, I had told him this could be the most beautiful breakup in the history of break ups…loving and kind. He hated that…but now here we were half joking that it really was this “beautiful breakup”. We would let each other fly and see what the future holds.

Uh…Oh…flag on the play, folks! We better call in the refs for a review! Is this break up going to stick this time? Or will there be “relationship amnesia” and will Alix and Derek continue to see each other? You called it! Heart now making an interception and runs with it! And now the 4^th Quarter, Heart leads the game…yet again trying to beat Mind during their best game yet.

By the end of the 4^th Quarter, the refs have to call the game. Derek and I both knew that the game we were playing for the last eight months had probably exceeded it’s number of Overtimes; and it was all on my terms. Although Derek agreed to the terms, I always knew that it was always what I wanted. Here was Derek holding on to glimmer of hope that I would come around. He wanted my heart and for us to be married, to help raise my kids and to spend the rest of his life making me happy. Sounds so wonderful…but I couldn’t. I could never move forward with him and give him what he deserved. And it had nothing to do with him. Derek in all his eccentricities was the most amazing and sweetest boyfriend I ever have had in my life! Our emotional, spiritual and sexual connection was beyond anything I could ever imagine and everything I needed! He is a soul mate to me; but one that has come into my life for a reason and change me forever. He taught me things about love, relationships and myself like no other man has before. And the most beautiful thing was that Derek did all these things in a kind, loving and compassionate way. I felt like GOLD with Derek. Our relationship ended with him upset and calling bullshit on himself. He knew he was not happy just going along with whatever I dictated as the boundaries of our new relationship. And he was the brave one and broke it off. Cutting me off “cold turkey”…as he should and as we needed. As strong as I was in what I had been through with my divorce, I was unable to break up with my Lion’s Heart.

I’m thankful for Derek letting me go because I realized like the shattering glass from before that I was still broken. I had grown so much in the last 3 years, post divorce; but had so much more to learn. I am a different person now even in the last year. I’m learning what I want in my relationships, in a partner, in a lover and it’s not what I wanted years ago. So play the game of Break Up…it’s ok.

The breakup with the first real love and relationship you have after the divorce isn’t as crushing as the end of your marriage. This time your walls aren’t completely down.  You loved but not fully.  You thought you were; but truly you weren’t.  You still have shit to work out.  This beautiful soul, who you fell in love with,  was definitely someone you were supposed to have in your life.  This one special person to teach you something spectacular about yourself.  This one to be vulnerable with again…but not “your forever”.  No.  Because girl, there is more work to do.  And it’s going to keep getting bettter!   You are going to keep getting stronger and the energy and vibration you will be putting out there this time will be in a world of its own!!

So let’s break the game down…post game show style:

Quarter toss:

Just like the coin flip in the beginning of the big game, you may find your heart and mind calling heads or tails. No matter your situation, there may be moments between you and your partner where you don’t know if you should stay or go. Maybe “it’s you not him” or “him not you”. Be kind to yourself and let yourself have some time to think things out.

Time out/Time in:

It may sound cliché, but take a “time out”. Don’t let anyone pressure you into decisions you are not ready for. Are you talking about moving in together or marriage? Your situation isn’t the same as it was ten, fifteen, or even twenty years ago. You now have children to think about and how does this affect them. Taking a time out will give you the time and space you need to sort out what your heart truly desires. Maybe it will be what you need to discover that they are worth a restart of the clock. Or maybe it will be the end of the game.

Replay/Review of the play:

So if a time out turns into a restart of the clock, there will be situations in which you may need to review your relationship. What changes need to be made and/or what expectations are there now in the relationship. Being open, honest, and communicative is a necessity at this point– All cards on the table. Talk with one another and check in. It’s easy to get caught up in the make up after break up; but old habits, baggage and problems which brought you to the break up before may not be completely healed. There may be some wounds in yourself and walls that have not been discovered. Again, slow motion replays and reviews can be a good thing. Just don’t get caught up in the over analysis of the break up game.

Game over:

So it’s over…the break up happens. I guarantee there won’t be a side that is jumping up and down or even a “I’m going to Disneyland” moment. The reality is that both sides will be hurting. Sadness, grief and ugly crying may come into play. Let it flow…feel all the emotions and know that on the other side of this, you will look back and discover the beauty of this relationship and even the breakup. You again will discover in yourself the strengths you never knew you had and it just keeps getting better. Love will find you again…but for now…time to hit the locker rooms—but for us ladies — it will look more like a day spa with a hot bath, massage, bottle of wine and a pint of your favorite ice cream.

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: SoulSurvivor

The post Dating After Divorce 101: The Break Up Game appeared first on ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥.

For many of us, it’s not what you think! Sleeping in all day, alone time, even being sick just to have some time by yourself?!!

How many of us can relate to this Bad Mom’s Clip?!

Cant view the video?  Click on BAD MOM”s “Bad Mother’s Day” Clip here

The post Bad Moms and What We Really Want! appeared first on ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥.

“Wait! What?!! I’m dating again? How the hell did this happen?”    

-Alix Stone

Something you did for years with no thought at all. Many of us dating through our 20’s and 30’s– partying, clubs, bars, college friends, work friends…it was our lifestyle. Then you find yourself married 10+ years, kids, husband and now “Was-band”, divorced and realizing that you have not been single for 17 years! Wait…did I just say that? I haven’t been single for 17 years! How do I even get the nerve to start over…let alone meet someone? It’s 2017 and I’m a MOM! Now we enter the “double life” post-divorce stage. What is this new life going to entail and how will you handle it?

Three months “post – separation” from my almost 14 year marriage to Mark and 17 year relationship, I found myself changing my “Facebook Relationship Status” to SINGLE. Whoa! It was a feeling like no other. Mixed emotions for sure…Freedom yet sadness—He doesn’t know what he lost yet you’re insecure—You can date whomever you want yet will anyone want to date me? From one spectrum to the other, you find yourself jockeying between emotions. How do you navigate through your emotions and yet live the life that you know as a mother? With emotions raw right after a separation, you feel like you want to go out and sleep with anyone that shows interest. I like to call this the “CrAzY time” and anyone who has just been separated or divorced can relate. Whether you’re the “Petitioner” or the “Respondent” this time is the time you find yourself reliving your 20’s. Drinking, bars, one night stands, out with the girls, and partners in crime tend to be a theme for awhile. And it’s ok…we all need it. I compare it being let out of prison…you have been locked in a life of diapers, kids schedules, life with a husband and now you have a freedom again! Freedom you haven’t had in maybe a decade. So let your hair down! Maybe “prison” is too harsh…but let’s be real…you were tied down to a schedule and life that slowly became everyone else’s and not your own. Let go and enjoy…it is a short-lived stage compared to the lifetime movie you have been living.

The biggest challenge is having the “Mom Guilt”, wherever you are in your stage of post divorce dating, you will always have periods of “Mom Guilt”. We all have it. For the first time in a long time you are doing something for you that feels good. I remember being out on a date, finally letting go and enjoying time spent with a new man, who was giving me undivided attention; but then quickly snapping out of that present moment and thinking oh no…the kids!? Are they ok? Do you they know anything? I’m such a Bad Mom!! Whether my kids were with a sitter or their dad, I had a hard time letting go in the beginning. “They need me”, I would think. Why am I out on dates, when I should be home with them. But remember, you need this time to enjoy and find out who you are again..for your kids! If you are figuring out your best self, won’t you then be the best mom at home?

Once I discovered Mark’s deceitful “second” personality of cheating for 8 years with numerous women, I kicked him out immediately and he was lost. He had no place to live and found himself couch surfing for awhile. Mark then found a place where he was renting a room in a situation where our kids couldn’t stay with their dad over night. It was about 6 months after our separation and I rarely had time to myself. The kids saw a lot of my pain, although I did my best to cover my emotions and wear a mask of “ALL IS GREAT KIDS”. Even when Mark and I were married due to his career as a traveling cameraman, I was a single mom. So some of this was “our normal” but their mom crying in her bedroom for hours was NOT normal. When I finally “de-velcroed myself from the floor or had friends literally drag me out from the bed covers, I rediscovered my wild side. The fun crazy outgoing side that had been asleep for so many years. So now, I wanted to date…no love…no commitment…just sex! Mark had me believing that I was the reason for our divorce and his cheating (Inner Voice Blog). Because of health issues and my lack of interest in sex, he said he had to find it elsewhere. “Life was stressful and he needed a release” – was one of my favorite lines. He had me believing that I didn’t like sex anymore…I had the problem! But once I got my confidence up and got out into the “dating world”, I quickly discovered I DID NOT have a problem! In fact I was rediscovering the sexy love goddess that had been lost! Once I got a taste of the attention from good men. Nice guys/single men/single dads, who actually are successful, funny, and attractive… I quickly found my confidence and mojo again! Woot Woot! Now all I wanted to do was to plan any evening the kids were with their dad so that mama could go play. At first the kids didn’t notice too much, I kept my alternative life style away from them. But as time went on and their dad was traveling again, they noticed I was no longer locked up in my room with no makeup and puffy crying eyes…Now, their favorite sitter would come over once a week and I had make up on, new clothes, and kissed them goodbye for an evening out.

How to find the balance of dating again?

Keeping A Low Profile-

It’s important at first to keep a “low profile”. It will feel like a secret life for a long time. But remember, this is your time and you need this. If it was an evening once a week that the sitter was over, I would tell the kids I was going out with friends. I would NOT be out all night and always come home alone– safe and sound -ready for the normal morning routine. Keeping your “2^nd Life” low and quiet and being there for your kids to keep their everyday routine is so important. There is security in that and they need that more than anything.

Why Is Mommy All Dressed Up? –

Or in my son’s case, “Why are you wearing make-up?” I’m a pretty “natural makeup” girl. Surfergirl/Cali style– my kids are used to seeing me in flip flops or athletic attire with little to no makeup. After some time, the kids started noticing that I was dressing up and smiling more. It was about 1 year after the separation, and I let them know that I was dating again. My 11 year old son at the time, frowned with discontent; but didn’t say much. My 8 year old daughter thought it was fun! I asked her to help me coordinate outfits for me—pick my accessories etc. She loved it! They didn’t know who…they really didn’t care. No-one ever came to the house to pick me up. I told them I was going out with friends and meeting new friends. That’s all the details they cared to know. Depending on the ages of your children you may find sharing a bit more or less is appropriate. But the lesson here is that your kids want to see you happy. And when you are happy, you are the best mom at home for them. It’s a win win.

Happy Mom Happy Life-

You know the saying “Happy Wife Happy Life”—Well, Happy Mom Happy Life is the same concept. The saying “Happy Wife” implies that you need a partner to make you happy—to do things to keep you happy. But now you are on your own…who’s going to make you happy but YOU?! So find the things in life that light you up from the inside. When you get to the point where dating again is helping build your self-confidence again, then YESSS! Do that! Feeling sexy again. Feeling butterflies again. Having someone interested in you again is a great way to get the fire relit in your soul!

The Mom Guilt-

Oh gawd, the “mom guilt”. You will find yourself on a most romantic evening lost in the moment and “BAM”! Where are the kids? What are they doing? Are they ok? Maybe I should text them? Have they texted me? Why am I here? I should be home. They need me…right? They need their mom!

Let it go! Breathe…

Being the awesome mom you are…I’m sure they are with their dad or family, who loves them; or a babysitter, who is fully capable and responsible. Your kids are fine. Most likely they are tucked in their beds with their hearts full of love. Worst-case scenario they have stayed up a little too late watching a movie or eating too much ice cream. You got this Mama— take a breath and enjoy an evening of one on one attention from someone that doesn’t call you every 5 mintues MOM! Mom? Mom…Mom…Mom! Find that inner goddess you lost so long ago!!

Practice Makes Perfect-

Dating again is practicing…look at it as a fun way to get out there and retrain your dating conversation, finding who are again, and just meeting cool people. Your not looking for another husband…you are discovering who you are; because I guarantee you are NOT who you were 10-20 years ago. You have the wisdom and the life experience now; you also have the “If I knew then what I know now” knowledge! So you get out there and meet some lame guys, some jerks; but there are some great guys out there too. Or women, who ever you are into?! The important thing is to get out there and practice and have fun!

Dating again can be scary. Today finding the right venue to meet people is a whole other world. A much different world then we dealt with in our 20’s/30’s. (More to come on this subject in future posts- “Match or Not to Match”) Where do you meet people when your world is kids, sports activities, work, home life, and kids kids kids. Trust me…there are so many opportunities to meet people. Some opportunities will come to you and others you will have to get out there and experience when you’re ready. The important thing is that you get out there! Rediscovering who you are now as a single mama is literally a “trip”! Not a fun let’s go to Hawaii trip but like the mental trip— The I’m seriously living in another dimension-two lives trip. In many ways you are…but it’s so important to create some space for you to get out and enjoy life. Feel the feelings again of going on a first date, going out on a crappy date, and going out on a great date!!! You will learn and feel so rejuvenated again. The best thing is that you will find the self-confidence in yourself that you lost for years of being asleep at the wheel. You will feel empowered and find that “shine” again. You got this girl….so get out there…take that first leap. Good or bad you will learn something new and great about yourself. (Perceiving Our Challenges blog).

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: SoulSurvivor

The post Hey Kids, Mom is Dating! appeared first on ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥.

“Do not justify, apologize for or rationalize the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.” – Crystal Andrus

The “Ex’s…ex-husband, ex-sister in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-in-laws!!! Oh my! You have been so focused on the kids, yourself, the divorce…now the dust is settled and you have the EX-In-Laws and Outlaws! Some of them you might be happy to “separate” from…others maybe a sad parting of ways…either way, it’s not easy. So how do you continue the relationships and do you have to?

Marriage+Kids = grandparents, aunties, uncles…So as long as they are healthy relationships, then keeping the relationship is important. The kids need to see that their family is still a family. (Telling the Kids blog post) Show your kids how to rise above…they will look to you how to handle relationships in the future. But what if there are unhealthy relationships in your ex’s family…how do you create boundaries and keep your sanity? All more pressures added to the post divorce family.

Married to Mark for almost 14 years and a friendship that lasted almost 2 decades, came with a slew of family. His mother was married 4 times, so you can imagine what our family gatherings were like. In addition, Mark and I were the ones who brought not only the 1^st grandbabies into his immediate family, but we also were the ones that lived the closest. I was lucky to have found an amazing mother in-law in Mark’s Mom and her husband of 15+ years is a gem. They accepted me immediately as family, when I met them on the ski slopes one wintery day 20 years ago. Mark’s family also brought me a sister, who I call my sister-from-another-mister! She is everything I ever wanted in a big sis. We share a sisterly love to this day even through the divorce. In fact she was acted so diplomatic and was at times the only one that could get through to her brother when he was acting like an #1 Ass. But just as I wanted everything to stay the same, “relationship-wise” with his family, after I found out he had been cheating on me for numerous years…that just doesn’t happen.

After the divorce dust settled and the emotions started to relax a bit, his family continued to be a big part in my life and my children’s life. They always were! And as mother in-laws go…maybe a little too involved. Ann loved her grandbabies!! She would often tell us…”Nana will do what she wants!” As Mark and I would cringe. Ann’s heart was always in the right place, but sometimes just a little too verbal in her opinions. In one respect she would question why we would do a “time out” or allow our children to cry it out… but then in the other respect put her son and me on the highest pedestal and brag to her friends. (eye roll) We took it for what it was and we were just so happy to have such great love and support in our lives. They were always there for us whenever we needed them. When it came out that Mark had cheated on me, Ann had a very difficult time knowing her son, “her prince”, would do such a thing. She was devastated to say the least and would often blame herself as a mother married multiple times or his father, who essentially left him when he was three. Ann and I would stay up all hours of the nights, during her visits to my home, post divorce—drinking, talking, and sharing. Then I noticed the depression…

Depression was something I had faced for a short while but noticed in Ann even prior to Mark and my divorce. But the divorce took her over the edge. She started drinking more and more….not alcoholic, stumbling drunk…but wine glass after wine glass…then a bottle…maybe two.   Who am I to judge, I thought…I drink…we all drink. That’s kind of what our family does when we all get together. But then James, my 13 year old noticed.

“Mom? How many drinks does it take to get drunk?” James asked one day.

“Uh….depends, “ I responded, “Why do you ask?”

“I noticed Nana drinking a lot when she was visiting.” He said with a worried tone.

“How many?” I asked.

“ I counted 6 glasses. “ He said…acting like he was the tattletale on a elementary school yard.

Ouch…not what you want to hear from your 13 year old. Especially, when here you are a few years away from your teen learning to drive and your motherly instinct to start teaching your son about “responsible drinking”.

So started the many difficult conversations…important conversations. I reached out to my sister-in-law first. Rebecca and I are not only close; but she is so diplomatic with her approach with her family. She is amazing! I expressed to her my concern about her mom, the depression, and drinking. This wasn’t the first time we had talked about the issue but the first time the kids were a concern. She wanted to reach out Carl, her step-father and Ann’s husband just to get a sense of where he stood on the issue and if he had suggestions on how to handle confronting her. After some time and talks between myself, Rebecca, and Carl…it was agreed that an “intervention” wasn’t what was needed. A soft conversation between Ann and I; since the main concern was the kids and drinking around the children. We thought that if she knew her grandbabies were concerned about her that it would be enough for her to make some healthy changes.

The day came when I sat her down to have a heart to heart. I approached it from a loving stance and that James was worried about her drinking. Ann cried of course. We had a great conversation, I thought, and talked about her depression, the divorce, her guilt, and making some health changes. I was relieved…then something changed. Within a couple of days, Ann sat down James to discuss her drinking issues. In the same conversation she mentioned my new boyfriend and how she was on my “son’s side” when it came to her feelings about him. My teenage son was not happy that his mom was dating someone; but for reasons he and I were openly discussing. Ann took it upon herself to act immaturely. I was livid! Then came 2 months later, when she called drunk to tell me how she was not happy that I was dating this man and how she didn’t care for him. Two months later she visits our home only to bring wine bottles in and put them in the garage. Pouring a glass of wine at 2pm and continuing to drink through the night. I couldn’t do it any more. With my stress level through the roof, I had to find some boundaries. My whole life, I’m the one who is the “accommodator”…I make sure everyone is happy and comfortable. I asked myself…why am I allowing this woman to make me uncomfortable in my own home. Why do I continue to put up with this? I honestly thought it would get better. I thought she saw the need for change. Why is my ex-mother in law staying in my home as she did when I was married to her son? Is this normal?   I had to stop asking myself “what is normal” and start asking myself… “What do I want?” And “What is best for my kids?” I decided to set boundaries with her, for me, my children, and my new man in my life.

I wrote her an email, short, loving, kind, but strong. In the note I set three points and reasons why. It went something like this…

“Ann, regarding you staying with us for future visits, I feel that it is best if you stay with Mark. (her son) For one, your drinking is still an issue and I need to be an advocate for my children. Secondly, with recent issues with Mark, I am feeling I need to set some personal boundaries between him and his family. Although, you and I have had a wonderful relationship all these years, it’s been hard for me to separate feelings between all of us right now.   And lastly, I’m aware of your dislike of Derek (my boyfriend).   He is my partner right now and I need you to be respectful of that.

I love you very much and hope you can understand where I am coming from at this time. I always encourage you to come visit with the children and we will always make time for you.”

I am someone, who hates confrontation…I will stew and stew on worry and worry…and lose sleep on it! But I had to remind myself what I had been through and the newfound strength it had given me. So why is it important to create boundaries with ex-in-laws?

-Do it for the kids – They need an advocate. If it’s a situation of a meddling grandma to more serious like alcoholism or anger issues…they need you to be on their side! Be an advocate for them. Teach them what are appropriate behaviors and that yes, you can love your family; but you do not need to accept bad behavior.   With younger children a lot of issues go right over their heads but as they get older, you will see how much they already know!

-Finding Appropriate Boundaries – There is no need to cut them off completely, as long as there is no physical or mental harm being done. Find healthy boundaries for each other. Maybe they are amazing grandparents to your kids; but yet as adults they drive you nuts! Your kids still need their grandparents, cousins, aunties, and uncles. Family is so important. So find opportunities where the kids can be with their family, but that you don’t need to be at every function. Maybe you can offer for grandparents to take your kids out for a special outing, come over and visit while you run errands, make sure your kids call and see their family on special occasions. Find the boundaries you are comfortable with…Is it dropping the kids off at their house for a birthday party, Christmas celebration, or just time together? Or is it ok with you to meet all for dinner on neutral ground? But if you are feeling uncomfortable having an ex-family member stay at your home for an extended vacation, it’s ok to say no. You are not obligated to host them just because it’s grandma. It just depends on your relationship. But remember to put your relationship with your kids and what your stress level is with the situation. If you are stressed, your kids will feel it.

-Learn From Your Mistakes – Chances are if you had an amazing relationship with you In-Laws before, especially if your marriage was a more than 10 years, it will take you time to find that middle ground. You may think it’s fine to all take vacations still together and stay at each other’s homes for visits out of state…but at some point this might change. For me it changed with I started my first serious relationship after my divorce. It was extremely uncomfortable for me and my new partner to have my Ex-In-laws staying at my home; especially when their son, my ex-husband, lived 2miles away. I didn’t recognize until I reached, Code Red, that I was not ok with my Ex-In-laws being in my business all the time. I had gotten so used to it for years of marriage to their family; but let it carry on even after the divorce. I had to learn from my mistakes of allowing behaviors continue longer than I should. I never wanted to “rock the boat” with family members because they came with my husband. But now I didn’t need to deal with it as I didn’t have to deal with my ex-husband’s behaviors either.

When you get divorced you don’t initially think about all the reprocussions of what will it be like for other family members and relationships. You are so busy keeping your head above water…getting through not only the details of the divorce, but keeping yourself sane, and your kids happy. Some days, of course, are easier than others. But it’s like dropping that pebble in the still water…the ripples of the decision of divorce not only affect you, your ex-husband and kids, but your extended family as well. Some families are torn apart. Other families are able to find that middle ground of respect, love, and support. The important thing to remember is that no matter your situation, find what makes sense to you! In the end, you are always the Mother! No one can take that away from you! We, as mothers, sometimes put ourselves last—our emotions and well-being. Put yourself first and remember what boundaries are best for you. Also, be an advocate for your kids; but also find the balance of keeping and teaching healthy relationships with all their family members. Remember, they didn’t ask for this divorce…they were put in the middle of it. It’s up to us to act as adults, no games, no playing sides, kindness, compassion, but keeping healthy boundaries.

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: SoulSurvivor

The post Ex In-Laws & Healthy Boundaries appeared first on ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥.

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.”     -Paul Tillich

The first night you’re alone…really alone. Your ex picks up the kids and you have the house to yourself. Maybe it’s one night, maybe it’s a few days…but you are alone. Why aren’t you celebrating? Instead you watch them drive off and you close the front door, walk through the quiet house…way too quiet house…slide down the wall…and sob. You sob like you have never sobbed before!

Have you had this night yet? It was the quiet nights that I would only dream about when I was married. “Only if I had a day to myself!!” I would daydream. I would actually fantasize about running away or getting sick…not too sick but sick enough where you couldn’t leave the bed. You could sleep ALLLL DAY and just have quiet uninterrupted time!  I about died from laughter after watching the movie “Bad Moms” and Kristen Bell’s character had the same fantasy!

(Watch this clip from the movie – Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn)

Oh Serenity Now!! Even my mom friends, who are married, tell me sometimes how jealous they are of my “nights off”. But it has taken me a long time to call them “my nights off”. I would dread the evenings alone. I didn’t realize then that I was really scared to be alone; not knowing what I would do with my time and how scared I was to feel loneliness. But without being with your loneliness, how can you get to the solitude?

Almost fourteen years of my life I was a Mrs. to my Mr., until I discovered he had been cheating on me for at least 8 years of our marriage together. I was the everything—caregiver, mother, plumber, chauffer, housekeeper, gardener…should I go on? Out of the 14 years married, almost 11 of them were with a child practically tied to my hip. Sometimes when I needed a time out…I would retreat to the bathroom and they would always find me!!! Once I locked myself in my car in the garage just to have a phone call! With a husband, who traveled 300+ days a year, and raising children all while I started my own business from home, how was I supposed to be alone? I never had a minute to myself! But now that was all changed. After the separation, quickly came the divorce and I didn’t realize then but I was scared to be alone. At first, Mark didn’t have his own place…he lived as a “roommate”. It was simple. He would spend time with the kids on his day off, picking them up from school, running to activities, and feeding dinner; but always to return them home, tucked into their beds at night. After 6 months of this, Mark got his own place and this is when shit got real. I was spoiled. I always had my babies at home. It was the perfect scenario. He would have them for 4-6 hours and I was free to do what I wanted…to go on dates and live my “other life”.  He was like a built in babysitter! Oh the revenge! Ha! But now he wanted to have the kids overnight at his place and start a “routine”. This was before the MSA so we were trying to be as mutually agreeable as possible. We called it “divorce with dignity”. Soon came Christmas break and an opportunity for Mark to take the kids for 6 days! You would think I would be jumping for joy! Woot Woot! Party on! I had visions of me running down the hallway in my underwear and socks and sliding across the floor in my best Tom Cruise- Risky Business impression! But oh no! It was much different!!

As the kids loaded their suitcases up with excitement to go to dad’s new place for part of Winter Break, I was carefully holding my shit together. Lots of hugs and kisses and off they went…the sound of Mark’s truck rounding the culd-a-sac and down the street. I shut the door, locked it, and sighed. I started down the hallway to their bedrooms…tucking in their already made beds, straightening their already cleaned rooms. As I came out of my daughter, Dani’s, room, I met Gunner our Golden Retriever. We just stared at each other, both took in a HUGE sigh, and I fell to the ground with my arms around his neck sobbing! This SUCKS I sobbed in his fluffy mane. He didn’t move…and we sat in the hallway crying for at least half an hour! We both were sad! It’s like he totally knew what was happening. As I peeled myself from the floor, I walked into my bathroom and started a bath. I grabbed my phone, selected my favorite playlist and made my way to the kitchen as the bath filled. I went to my fridge where I have a rule of always having a bottle of champagne chilling! You just never know! And I opened that baby! I poured a nice healthy glass and then sauntered down the hallway to enjoy my bath. It took me 6 days and 6 baths later to finally realize that I was OK. The kids were coming home the next day and I was fine! Now I didn’t spend all 6 days in the tub…but my first night was the most reflective. I spent the next few days just being with Me! Who the fuck was I? I read, I worked out; I threw myself into work, and went out on a date! I talked on the phone for hours with friends…uninterrupted!!! No, “Mom, Mom, Mom…Mawwwwmmmmm!” My friends, knowing I was alone were amazing! They would call and try to get me out…but I would politely turn them down knowing I NEEDED this time alone. Face my Fear!

Now fast forward almost 3 years. Once in awhile I will need my bath/champagne nights…but I’m looking back and realizing that initially I was filling any time I had alone with plans! When I knew the kids were going to be gone, I would start reaching out to girlfriends for nights out, road trips to see people I hadn’t seen in awhile, and dates with friends with “benies’. Not that there is anything wrong with that…it’s what I needed at that time. But it was some sort of validation I was seeking or fear of being really alone. Now when the kids leave with dad…sometime I go out…sometimes I make plans…but I also make plans with ME! What do I need to make me happy? Maybe it’s a walk with Gunner, other days it’s a glass of vino with my besties and other times it’s a bath and my favorite playlist. The important thing is that you go through the emotions…it’s like grieving. In fact you are grieving…you are grieving the marriage and life you thought was your forever. Now you need to discover how it is to be alone and not be lonely…finding that solitude! Loneliness is the feeling sad and maybe even just a little bit having a “pity party” for yourself. But Solitude is when you know that you are just fine to sit, read, listen, meditate, work out and you aren’t missing a thing! You are enjoying this present moment in time and recharging to become the best mom you can be. Because when those kids run through that door in a few days, the chaos starts all over again!!!

So how do you get through these first initial few nights and days on your own?

 -Turn Off Your Social Media!!!

This is not only such a time suck; but it will create the feeling of everyone else is having so much fun but me! Oh wow…look at them, don’t they look so happy! Well, you know what…they have their shit too. Fakebook as my son likes to say!

-Find Your Happy!!!

What makes you happy? Is it reading, meditation, walks in the evening, binge watching your favorite show? Find that happy and do it…but also challenge yourself down the road. For me it was writing. I would sometimes be puttering around the house doing everything but writing. It took me a long time to get the motivation and confidence in my writing. And now it is my number one therapy! Also, meditation saved my life! More on this later!! But it truly did…finding the quiet and being ok with quiet was a true process that took me over a year!

-Sing Out Your La-La-Las!

Music does wonders for moods…but it can also get you wrapped up in your emotions. I actually have saved in my Spotify account—playlists by moods— Chill, Love, Heartbreak, Rarr!, Schexy, etc… you get the picture. I know when I’m listening to too much Willie Nelson and Adele, I’m in my Heartbreak playlist and I need to STOP! And sing it out sister! I read an article recently on how playing music in the shower and singing in the shower releases the same endorphins as being in love! The feel good ones! So get your La La La’s out!!!

-Hug Your Pooch

No! Not your potbelly after you ate that whole plate of nachos by yourself! Your pet! Whoever it is…and if you don’t have one…I strongly recommend getting one! They offer such unconditional love and know when you need them most. Who else can you tell your deepest secrets to and know they will go with them to the grave. Gunner definitely takes the edge off! He is always there for me and spoons with me when I’m on my own. The perfect man!

Just know that you have to go through these tough moments to get to the great moments! The AHA’s moments you look back and say, “OHHHHHHH!!!” But for now, just be…for “This is how it is right now” taken from one of my favorite teacher/speaker/mediation leaders Vinnie Ferraro.   You will get through the loneliness and you will find that solitude. And it’s a beautiful thing when you do…be with each emotion…feel it as intensely as you can. You will realize that it’s not going to hurt you…it’s only going to make you grow!

You got this!!

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: SoulSurvivor

The post Solitude vs. Loneliness appeared first on ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥.

“Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.”            -Pat Benatar

 No one knows this better than a child going through divorce, especially a child who is old enough to remember his or her parents together. He/she has memories of them acting lovingly toward one another. But then one day it all is torn away from them. The kids were told they did nothing wrong. They were told they were loved. Now a year, two, three later this child is still wounded…questioning WHY? Why did Dad leave? Why did Mom let him? Why does it feel like the kid down the block has it all because his/her parents are still together? All valid questions possibly being asked by your child.

Never in my married life did I think I would have to have that conversation with my children…the conversation of “Kids…Dad and Mom are getting a divorce”. (read Telling the Kids blog entry). But it happened. And after the divorce aftershocks calm down and the emotions start to lighten again, you think maybe, just maybe, your kids will be the ones that aren’t “that” fucked up. You find yourself saying, “My kids will be the ones that will be ok.” But then you think of what kind of people you are raising…I always said that I know I have done a good job if both my son and daughter grow up to be compassionate, hard working, and non-entitled individuals. What about if they will be a good boyfriend or girlfriend? And ultimately a good partner, especially, if their example is divorce. And how much of this is “hardwired” and how much is it learned? All questions I started asking myself as I was raising my tween son, James.

At 10 years old his life fell apart. His mom and dad, who seemed to be so perfect, were now living separately and a year later divorced. A boy, who liked everything in its place, didn’t like change, and definitely most definitely was a quiet sensitive type of boy felt like his life was over! After I found out about Mark’s second lifestyle…one that took him around the world and many women and over 8 years of cheating, I ended our almost 14 year marriage. James and his sister Dani were devastated of course…but they never knew the true reasons “Why”. We protected them. They didn’t need to know their dad was a cheating SOB…all they needed to know was that their dad loved them and would be there for them no matter what. I knew in time I would tell the kids, as they each got older and it seemed appropriate. They needed a few relationships under their belts and to have life’s knowledge of what love really feels like. But the simple answer of “Dad and Mom just had too many differences they needed to work out” was never enough for James. He could read me like a book…and that he did!

Although our physical custody was 65% /35% my favor…Mark traveled a lot. So our weeks are always centered around his travel schedule, which changes each week. Awful I know! But it is our normal and we are making it work for now. But most weeks it is more like 90/10 (my favor). It’s always been that way, even when Mark and I were married. My two littles and me…we are the 3 amigos! James and I have the special Mother/Son bond…but now that he is 13, he is finding his way between “Mama I love you” and “Oh my gawd Mom, you are so embarrassing!” No matter his teenage attitude, he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. As the next few years went by, he would question everything I did and keep pushing one particular quandary, “Why did you and Dad divorce?” It never was…are you going to get back together? Or why did Dad leave? He knew his dad did something to hurt me and he couldn’t live another day not knowing why.

Things progressively got worse with James. When I started dating, he was clingy and grumpy. But what got my attention the most was… “Mom, life isn’t worth living!” EERRRRRRRRRRRRTTTT……..(car screeching brakes!) WTF!!!??? The words you never want to hear from your kid!

“James,” I said, “Like you don’t want to live anymore thoughts?”

James, head hung low, “Yes…”

Me, “It’s time to talk to someone.”

James was not ok with that either. He is a super private person; but I explained to him that as his mom I need to recognize when it’s time to ask for help. He knew I had seen a therapist during the divorce and continue to get “tune ups”.

But he was crying…”I don’t want to tell other people my problems…it won’t help!”

I did my research…of course asking my community of Mama Bears (BFFs)…and came up with an awesome guy, who specialized in what we were going through. Conner was a 30 something therapist, who was not only a “cool dude” but smart and relatable. A perfect fit in my book. I approached Mark…bad mistake! Mark berated me on how I was making our son “weak” by talking about his feelings. AWESOME….well alrighty then…guess I won’t be able to count on you for some support emotionally or financially in regards to help for your son. Thanks!

James starting seeing Conner…and 6 months later it was helping. I think finding a good therapist for any child going through divorce is a good outlet. James and I started sessions with the both of us. I was at a loss and felt like my wheels were spinning. My son needed help and after every book and article I had read, I still felt I wasn’t giving him enough of what he needed to get through the divorce. Finding Connor, allowed James a private outlet and me a confidant in knowing he was getting good guidance from someone NOT emotionally involved in our family.

But last summer, it started again…the incessant question…over and over again… “WHY mom…why did you and Dad split up.” Everything turned into an argument. At first I racked it up to his “teenage-dom”…but then it got worse. One day, I called Conner and asked his advice. After a long conversation and more details of my marriage I had shared before with him,

I said, “Isn’t he too young to know about cheating? I don’t want him to hate his dad. I know he will know someday…but he’s 13!”

Conner replied, “Alix, I have been working with James for 6 months…he is the most mature, well mannered, put together 13 year old I have ever met…he can handle it.”

After our conversation, I knew Conner truly understood my son. Every word he said to describe him was James to a “T”. Conner also offered to facilitate a session, so that we could guide James to and away from too many details. He gave me time to think on it and said we can “rehearse” if/when you decide to do this. Ah….I knew how that worked! Mark and I rehearsed the “Telling the Kids Talk”…ok…this might be ok after all.

The day came for James’ next session…as we drove to the appointment, I told him that I would be coming in with him since he and I had been having so many arguments and frustrations toward one another. He looked at me with quizzical wonder.

When we sat down, Conner had already “coached” me a bit and said we had to get James to ASK the question “Why”. James needed the power to ask…and not me with the power of telling him. I started with,

“James, I know we have been fighting a lot about family stuff…so I wanted to come into session with you and see if there was anything you wanted to talk to me about with Conner’s help.”

James took a deep breath and blurted out, “Why did you and Dad split up?”

….phew…that was easy I thought…now for the hard part. I took a deep breath and started in:

“Do you know what an oath is?”

James, “Kind of.”

I continued, “You know when you pinky swear with your sister or best friend? It’s like that times 1,000,000.”

James nodded.

I continued, “So when dad and I were dating exclusively and then fell in love, we decided to get married. And when we got married, we had things we promised one another…an Oath.”

James quietly nodded along.

Deep breath…and I continued…tears forming in my eyes…“For each couple it might be different things you promise to one another…but for your dad and I it was to love one another, ONLY one another, take care of one another, and not be with other people. And your dad broke that promise.”

I looked from the corner of my eye for Conner’s reassurance…who also has tears streaming down his face.

“So Dad cheated.” James said so matter-of-fact.

“Yes.” I responded quietly.

“I knew it.” James said, “Mom! You know… dad IS a player!”

Me…double take… “Say what now?!” I responded.

Before I could catch my breath…Conner jumped in confidently yet calmly, “James…why would you say that?!”

James, “Mom! Every time we go out somewhere, Dad is always flirting and talking to girls!”

I was taken a back and partly wanting to high five my son for being so freakin’ observant!!

“Whoa. Wait a minute?!” I said. “Do you understand the difference of flirting and then taking it too far? “

James nodded yes… “Like sexting and cheating and stuff.”

Oh my freaking gawd! Who is this kid?! Beyond his years…it was at that moment I knew I had done the right thing, let alone how freakin’ observant kids are! Wow! Then to top it off…as we ended the session discussing family, relationships, etc. I could see this weight lift off of James’ shoulders. He seemed lighter…

We walked to the car together and got in. Before I started the engine, I turned to him and asked.

“Do you want to talk more or do you need to a break?”

Surprisingly, James said he wanted to talk more.

“Mom, I’m worried about Dani. (his sister)”

Wha Wha What?! Again with the maturity…what the heck?! “Why are you worried about your sister?” I muster out.

James responds, “Mom…she is too young to know.”

AHHHHHH… Hallelujah!

“James…do you now know why I didn’t tell you 2 years ago? How I felt you were too young. It’s my job as your mom to protect you physically and emotionally…I thought you were too immature for this news. It was hard enough for you to handle your dad moving out and the divorce.”

“I know Mom…I get it now”, he said.

So what have we learned? First and foremost…Counseling!

Find a good counselor for your children to confide in and to hear that they are ok. But also to know for yourself that your child is not going through depression or something darker, where he/she may need extra help. Whether it’s a preacher at your church or a paid therapist/psychologist there are wonderful resources out there. Ask your peers. Ask your community. I found Conner from approaching a friend I trusted in our small community. Someone that would keep under wraps that James needed therapy. I knew being a middle-schooler, it was equally important for his privacy as finding someone he could relate to and feel he could talk out his problems. If finances are a concern, many good therapists will charge on a sliding scale. The good ones truly want to help you and will find a way that works for you.

Remember…what is right for one child may not be ok for another.

“Age Appropriateness” is key. If you are sharing information about why you divorced and that information may lead to more anger or children taking sides…maybe it’s not ok to share. You know your child the best…but having a therapist help mediate a conversation may be a nice parenting tool to have in your back pocket. A counselor/therapist can give you insight on how kids can handle and digest certain information at different ages.

Keeping it simple and not too much information is another key.

“K.I.S.S” Keep It Simple Stupid again…love this saying. Although it may be important for your children to have some of the information…all the nitty gritty details do not need to come out. Again, a counselor can help in this…keeping you within the lines on the “tell all” freeway.

How are we now? Well, my biggest fear was that he would go to his dad and start hating on him. I did have a conversation with James that in my protecting him, I didn’t want him to hate his dad. Yes he made bad decisions as a husband but he was a great dad, who loved him very much. He knew that…but in the end…James was concerned that Mark would come at me in anger. I assured James that I could handle his dad…if/when he needed to discuss this with him and that he should not keep it inside.  Again, Conner offered to facilitate if needed. Laughable for Mark’s sake, since he believed counseling and sharing your feelings makes you weak…From the words of Dr. Phil…”Well, how did that work out for you?”

Since then, James has talked to his dad about some of it. Mark has been pissed off at me. But I stuck to my guns and assured Mark that James was ready to hear and that I wasn’t playing for him to pick sides. All I know is that I’m raising James to be a confident, compassionate, and truthful human being…who some day will make a wonderful husband or partner.  James and I have grown our bond because of my truthfulness yet tactfulness.  This is so important to me as we enter the teenage years!  I want him to trust me and can come to me for anything.  At the end of every day we can only do the best we can. Some days we feel like Wonder Woman! And other days like the dog shit you stepped in on your walk…but we are Mama Bear’s hear us ROOARRRR! And one day…we can only hope your child will say…

“Thanks Mom! Thanks for staying strong, protecting me, and teaching me to be a good person.”

Keep on pushing through…some days, a day at a time is all we can handle. And that’s ok…you got this!!

*Alix Stone

Visit me at Instagram! @soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: SoulSurvivor

The post Why I Told the Truth to My 13 Year Old appeared first on ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥.

“It’s possible to have a loving divorce. It takes an enormous amount of courage to change your life. No one wants a marriage to end; no one wants to have that heart-crushing conversation with (the) kids, but it happens.”    

-Laurie David, Filmmaker, “An Inconvenient Truth”

 The crushing reality of “telling the kids”…to have that one conversation you hope to never have with them. “Kids…your dad and I love you very much. You didn’t do anything wrong. We are getting a divorce…” How do you tell the kids? What are the right and wrong things to say? I wished I had someone to tell me what and how; but I had to learn on my own; and this is why I share my story with you.

The absolute WORST day of my life will go down as the day Mark and I had to tell the kids we were separating. Most people would think it was the day I discovered that Mark had been cheating on me…6 different women…some flirtations, some sexts–relationships you could tell had been going on for a while. (Read “Your Inner Voice” blog entry). All the while he was married to me, almost 14 years married and 17 years together. Here we were the All American Dream…2 kids (a boy and a girl), a Golden Retriever, 1 bunny, 1 cat, 2 fish…beautiful home in the ‘burbs, quiet little town, great careers…the one where he travels and I work from home to run my business and take care of the kids…Do you hate me yet? Yep! Well, that’s ok…we are a lot more alike than you think. Mark and I had problems just like anyone else. He was gone all the time working/traveling, while I was home doing EVERYTHING…housekeeper, babysitter (although doesn’t classify as “babysitter” when they are your own kids. HA!), chauffer, sex kitten, chef, disciplinarian, comforter, butt wiper, snot swiper, entrepreneur, business owner, therapist, nurse, oh did you like how I snuck “sex kitten” in there? Yep…because we moms are all the above and don’t have time to be tired… “Come on baby, give it to me now”. But seriously, we are the “do it all moms”.   But it wasn’t enough for Mark. His narcissism and love of the chase got the best of him. And so our marriage ended.

I think the hardest part for the kids was the “Shock”. Mark and I rarely fought but he was the Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde. At home he was the all American loving father and provider; and on the road someone completely different. So when we split up, the kids went from “my parents never fight” to “dad is moving out”. Here is how it went down…

The acts were too deceitful to ever forgive…the cheating on the Tiger Woods Platinum level. I knew our marriage was over even before Mark accepted it. I kicked Mark out as soon as I confronted him (Read “Your Power Moment). Because of his traveling, I told the kids “daddy had work”…so between dad gone and some travel plans I made, Mark was out of the picture for about 3 weeks! When we returned home, Mark and I met with a family counselor and therapist. Where as Mark thought it would be an opportunity for us to “TALK”; I was there with an agenda. With my list of questions in hand, I fired off: “How do we tell the kids we are separating/ultimately divorcing?”   She gave us some good advice…the normal.

-Tell them you love them

-Tell them they did nothing wrong

-Tell them daddy is an asshole…oh wait..she didn’t say that. (Hehe)

But it was the same thing you will read in every book. And yes…a lot of it good information. But it will NEVER really prepare you for how your kids will react. Or how your heart literally rips out of your chest at the pain on their faces.   So Mark and I had to make a decision to stand as the united front. Although he told me that he couldn’t see why I wouldn’t take him back and how I would throw our marriage away…he did agree to follow my lead. I felt we needed to be simple and loving. What I wanted to say was, your dad is the CEO of A-Holes of America and he cheated… “Ok children, today we are going to learn about cheating….Do you know what STDs are? How about sexting?…Anyone?…Anyone?…Now don’t all raise your hand at once.”

I knew we had to Rehearse.

Mark and I “rehearsed” before we decided to tell kids. We wanted to at least plan a few points we were going to say, because we knew the emotions would be overwhelming. We also discussed where and when we were going to talk to them. Knowing both our children, we thought our son (then 10 years old) would shut down. And our daughter (7 years old) would cling to her daddy. Oh but it played out a little differently than that! The hardest part was figuring out what to say…when you are dealing with infidelity…you aren’t at this time going to tell the kids that a parent cheated! They really can’t grasp how awful that really is and what that means at that age. I had to make a decision to protect my children. They didn’t need to know about their dad’s extracurricular activities. All they needed to know is that he was a dad who loved them and would be there for them, even if he weren’t living at home. We knew no matter what, we needed to keep it simple.

K.I.S.S – “Keep It Simple Stupid” was something my dad taught me in business and in life. I never knew it would help me in divorce!   But the old adage is true…keep it simple! Kids do not need details and too many words to over explain anything. Tell them in the least amount of words what they need to know…let them ask the questions. Some may be like…”Oh…Ok”…and skip off to the other room. Other may ask questions you may never have thought of…so go with it. But remember, less is more! Mark and I decided to sit with the kids one evening at home in our living room. Mark would open the conversation with:

“Your mom and I need to talk to you guys.”

We all sat on the couch together…James (my son) to my right, Dani (my daughter) to my left and Mark next to her and of course our Golden Retriever in the middle of it all. It was the typical opening…

Mark: ”Your mom and I love you very much…and want you to know that you did nothing wrong”…then Mark starts to cry….

GRRR…again…I have to step in and step up…

Me: “As you know your dad hasn’t been around a lot lately and that is because we have decided to separate.”

James starts howling, literally howling with sadness! My heart breaks, rips, tears from my chest. This is when Mama Bear has to keep all her strength. As I look over at Mark, who is now crying…and all I can think about is… you did this!!!! I’m shouting (in my head), “Because of your lies, deceit, and ego…you are tearing this family apart and breaking your children’s heart. But here I am…protecting your ass?!!” And again…I am the strong one…why?….All for my children! I hold James in my arms and look over at Dani, she is watching her brother’s every move and reaction. I think she would have handled the information better if her brother weren’t hysterical. Then suddenly, Dani follows suit, crying in her daddy’s arms. I continue…

“Some times with relationships, two people have problems they can’t fix. And the best thing to do is to take time apart from one another and not live with one another.”

I then went into an analogy of a broken vase that I recently tried gluing back together. My favorite vase was recently tipped over by the dog and I was so sad. It was a vase from Mexico that was irreplaceable to me.   The vase was staring at me from across the room.

“It’s like this vase…I love this vase…and it got broken. And I’ve tried and tried to glue it and the pieces just don’t go back together…It’s still a vase; but it’s broken. We might be able to glue some of it back together, and even though it’s broken it will always be a vase…like our family will always be a family.”

OMG! I’m thinking to myself…I’m comparing my family to a fucking vase!? This is awful!!!

Tears…sobbing…crying…then Dani says,

“What’s separating?”

Here she was bawling her eyes out because her brother was and she didn’t even understand why! This is where love and honesty come in to play.

Love and honesty is so important…but here I sat…wanting to tell the kids it’s over with Mark and I. I knew ultimately we would be divorcing and it couldn’t come quick enough! But I also knew that our children’s hearts couldn’t take that kind of honesty at this moment in time. So Mark and I decided (in Rehearsal) to start with “we were separating”. We would take time apart. Mark would find another place to live and we would start there…for the kids. They needed to see that separation and divorce didn’t have to mean that they never saw their dad again. That it probably wouldn’t be that different since their dad was away on work 6 days a week and sometimes weeks at a time.   They needed to build confidence in the situation that they were still loved, cared for, and in a routine.

I also didn’t want to make promises that weren’t going to happen. We never discussed time frame or what the future might hold for us with the kids. We only continued to tell the kids we loved them and let them know, “Dad is not going to live here right now. He is staying with a friend. He will still be here to take you to school and pick you up and take you to your activities when he isn’t working.” That was all the love and honesty we could provide for them at that time. But the biggest thing was reading clues from each child and how they were dealing with this news. Each one of them acting differently and we needed to hold space for them and their feelings.

Holding space for someone is putting yourself in their shoes…trying to hold a space in your heart for how they are feeling or acting; and to be compassionate and loving towards them. But isn’t that we do every day for our children? Yes…but when you are dealing with separation and divorce, this is harder than it sounds. You are so caught up in your own emotions of hurt and anger that it isn’t easy to see it from their eyes. Especially when you are dealing with infidelity and your partner is the one that is the reason for the pain. What you want to do is to tell the kids the truth…but you can’t…that is only for your benefit not theirs! So how to hold space for people varies.

For a 10 year old boy is so different from a 7 year old girl. First of all, girls and boys deal with things differently. It’s just the way they are hardwired. Then you throw in personality on top of that…and don’t forget about age and life experiences. James is 10; and being older, he remembers his dad and I together. Simply, he has more memories of us as a family…but he is also so extremely sensitive. Ever since James came out of the womb he was sensitive and needed a set routine to be happy. He did NOT like change! Dani, was my go with the flow, I do it myself, tenacious little girl. She just was able to deal with things and move on from it. And being 7, she didn’t really grasp what it meant that daddy wasn’t going to be living here anymore. Not that she didn’t love her daddy…oh she is daddy’s little girl…but kind of “out of sight out of mind”. James on the other hand would sit for hours and not talk, sob, and dive into the rabbit hole of depression. So finding balance and reading cues from your kiddos on where their individual needs are for support to get through this is so important. It’s a cliché…but it’s so true…in the end they didn’t ask for this; but it’s our job as parents to put them first and get them through the emotions. How do we get them through the initial shock of the talk? It sounds crazy..but get out and walk!

Getting out from the room where you dropped the bomb on the kids is the best way to clear some of that energy. James wanted to curl in a ball and bury his head in the pillows and Dani wanted to be held…but Mark and I got up and said,

“I think Gunner (our dog) really needs a walk…let’s take him out for a little bit.”

Because now with all the sobbing and crying, Gunner was so upset! He is super connected to the kid’s emotions and couldn’t understand why all the sadness. So we got his leash, pealed the kids off the couch and walked around the block. Not a long walk…just to get outside. We walked all together…and at times James walked 50 steps behind…but that was ok. The important thing is that we got out moving to clear the air and show the kids we can still have problems; but we never go away mad.

I won’t sugar coat it…it will be one of the hardest days of your parental post marriage life. Like everything in divorce, you will want it to be done! And it will never be soon enough. But I learned with this experience and many others that it’s best to slow your roll…slow down, read, talk, ask questions…make a plan–Especially with any and all aspects of the kids. Whether it’s telling the kids or finalizing custody in the MSA…take your time. I guarantee that your feelings now are fueled with anger and hurt. Making lifelong decisions are never well made in a bad headspace. The results may be the same; but looking back, you will feel confident on your decisions and how you handled them.

Read…a lot! I think I read every book and article on “how to tell the kids”. Some are better then others; but they all pretty much say the same thing. What helped me was the information on children’s ages and the psychology of what they understand at certain ages. This not only helped with feeling that my kids were reacting “normally” but also to give me clues on what to say and how to say it appropriately to each individual child. In the end, you will do the best you can. There will things you wished you said differently, but there will be chances daily to handle it better. Like anything with parenting…there are days you are like “HIGH FIVE! I got this! And other days you are thinking to yourself, “WTF??!! Why did I say that?”. Don’t be too hard on yourself. And as the saying goes… “This too shall pass”. Now breathe…

*Alix Stone

Visit me at Instagram! @soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: SoulSurvivor

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