Hey Kids, Mom is Dating!

“Wait! What?!! I’m dating again? How the hell did this happen?”    

-Alix Stone

Something you did for years with no thought at all. Many of us dating through our 20’s and 30’s– partying, clubs, bars, college friends, work friends…it was our lifestyle. Then you find yourself married 10+ years, kids, husband and now “Was-band”, divorced and realizing that you have not been single for 17 years! Wait…did I just say that? I haven’t been single for 17 years! How do I even get the nerve to start over…let alone meet someone? It’s 2017 and I’m a MOM! Now we enter the “double life” post-divorce stage. What is this new life going to entail and how will you handle it?

Three months “post – separation” from my almost 14 year marriage to Mark and 17 year relationship, I found myself changing my “Facebook Relationship Status” to SINGLE. Whoa! It was a feeling like no other. Mixed emotions for sure…Freedom yet sadness—He doesn’t know what he lost yet you’re insecure—You can date whomever you want yet will anyone want to date me? From one spectrum to the other, you find yourself jockeying between emotions. How do you navigate through your emotions and yet live the life that you know as a mother? With emotions raw right after a separation, you feel like you want to go out and sleep with anyone that shows interest. I like to call this the “CrAzY time” and anyone who has just been separated or divorced can relate. Whether you’re the “Petitioner” or the “Respondent” this time is the time you find yourself reliving your 20’s. Drinking, bars, one night stands, out with the girls, and partners in crime tend to be a theme for awhile. And it’s ok…we all need it. I compare it being let out of prison…you have been locked in a life of diapers, kids schedules, life with a husband and now you have a freedom again! Freedom you haven’t had in maybe a decade. So let your hair down! Maybe “prison” is too harsh…but let’s be real…you were tied down to a schedule and life that slowly became everyone else’s and not your own. Let go and enjoy…it is a short-lived stage compared to the lifetime movie you have been living.

The biggest challenge is having the “Mom Guilt”, wherever you are in your stage of post divorce dating, you will always have periods of “Mom Guilt”. We all have it. For the first time in a long time you are doing something for you that feels good. I remember being out on a date, finally letting go and enjoying time spent with a new man, who was giving me undivided attention; but then quickly snapping out of that present moment and thinking oh no…the kids!? Are they ok? Do you they know anything? I’m such a Bad Mom!! Whether my kids were with a sitter or their dad, I had a hard time letting go in the beginning. “They need me”, I would think. Why am I out on dates, when I should be home with them. But remember, you need this time to enjoy and find out who you are again..for your kids! If you are figuring out your best self, won’t you then be the best mom at home?

Once I discovered Mark’s deceitful “second” personality of cheating for 8 years with numerous women, I kicked him out immediately and he was lost. He had no place to live and found himself couch surfing for awhile. Mark then found a place where he was renting a room in a situation where our kids couldn’t stay with their dad over night. It was about 6 months after our separation and I rarely had time to myself. The kids saw a lot of my pain, although I did my best to cover my emotions and wear a mask of “ALL IS GREAT KIDS”. Even when Mark and I were married due to his career as a traveling cameraman, I was a single mom. So some of this was “our normal” but their mom crying in her bedroom for hours was NOT normal. When I finally “de-velcroed myself from the floor or had friends literally drag me out from the bed covers, I rediscovered my wild side. The fun crazy outgoing side that had been asleep for so many years. So now, I wanted to date…no love…no commitment…just sex! Mark had me believing that I was the reason for our divorce and his cheating (Inner Voice Blog). Because of health issues and my lack of interest in sex, he said he had to find it elsewhere. “Life was stressful and he needed a release” – was one of my favorite lines. He had me believing that I didn’t like sex anymore…I had the problem! But once I got my confidence up and got out into the “dating world”, I quickly discovered I DID NOT have a problem! In fact I was rediscovering the sexy love goddess that had been lost! Once I got a taste of the attention from good men. Nice guys/single men/single dads, who actually are successful, funny, and attractive… I quickly found my confidence and mojo again! Woot Woot! Now all I wanted to do was to plan any evening the kids were with their dad so that mama could go play. At first the kids didn’t notice too much, I kept my alternative life style away from them. But as time went on and their dad was traveling again, they noticed I was no longer locked up in my room with no makeup and puffy crying eyes…Now, their favorite sitter would come over once a week and I had make up on, new clothes, and kissed them goodbye for an evening out.

How to find the balance of dating again?

Keeping A Low Profile-

It’s important at first to keep a “low profile”. It will feel like a secret life for a long time. But remember, this is your time and you need this. If it was an evening once a week that the sitter was over, I would tell the kids I was going out with friends. I would NOT be out all night and always come home alone– safe and sound -ready for the normal morning routine. Keeping your “2^nd Life” low and quiet and being there for your kids to keep their everyday routine is so important. There is security in that and they need that more than anything.

Why Is Mommy All Dressed Up? –

Or in my son’s case, “Why are you wearing make-up?” I’m a pretty “natural makeup” girl. Surfergirl/Cali style– my kids are used to seeing me in flip flops or athletic attire with little to no makeup. After some time, the kids started noticing that I was dressing up and smiling more. It was about 1 year after the separation, and I let them know that I was dating again. My 11 year old son at the time, frowned with discontent; but didn’t say much. My 8 year old daughter thought it was fun! I asked her to help me coordinate outfits for me—pick my accessories etc. She loved it! They didn’t know who…they really didn’t care. No-one ever came to the house to pick me up. I told them I was going out with friends and meeting new friends. That’s all the details they cared to know. Depending on the ages of your children you may find sharing a bit more or less is appropriate. But the lesson here is that your kids want to see you happy. And when you are happy, you are the best mom at home for them. It’s a win win.

Happy Mom Happy Life-

You know the saying “Happy Wife Happy Life”—Well, Happy Mom Happy Life is the same concept. The saying “Happy Wife” implies that you need a partner to make you happy—to do things to keep you happy. But now you are on your own…who’s going to make you happy but YOU?! So find the things in life that light you up from the inside. When you get to the point where dating again is helping build your self-confidence again, then YESSS! Do that! Feeling sexy again. Feeling butterflies again. Having someone interested in you again is a great way to get the fire relit in your soul!

The Mom Guilt-

Oh gawd, the “mom guilt”. You will find yourself on a most romantic evening lost in the moment and “BAM”! Where are the kids? What are they doing? Are they ok? Maybe I should text them? Have they texted me? Why am I here? I should be home. They need me…right? They need their mom!

Let it go! Breathe…

Being the awesome mom you are…I’m sure they are with their dad or family, who loves them; or a babysitter, who is fully capable and responsible. Your kids are fine. Most likely they are tucked in their beds with their hearts full of love. Worst-case scenario they have stayed up a little too late watching a movie or eating too much ice cream. You got this Mama— take a breath and enjoy an evening of one on one attention from someone that doesn’t call you every 5 mintues MOM! Mom? Mom…Mom…Mom! Find that inner goddess you lost so long ago!!

Practice Makes Perfect-

Dating again is practicing…look at it as a fun way to get out there and retrain your dating conversation, finding who are again, and just meeting cool people. Your not looking for another husband…you are discovering who you are; because I guarantee you are NOT who you were 10-20 years ago. You have the wisdom and the life experience now; you also have the “If I knew then what I know now” knowledge! So you get out there and meet some lame guys, some jerks; but there are some great guys out there too. Or women, who ever you are into?! The important thing is to get out there and practice and have fun!

 

Dating again can be scary. Today finding the right venue to meet people is a whole other world. A much different world then we dealt with in our 20’s/30’s. (More to come on this subject in future posts- “Match or Not to Match”) Where do you meet people when your world is kids, sports activities, work, home life, and kids kids kids. Trust me…there are so many opportunities to meet people. Some opportunities will come to you and others you will have to get out there and experience when you’re ready. The important thing is that you get out there! Rediscovering who you are now as a single mama is literally a “trip”! Not a fun let’s go to Hawaii trip but like the mental trip— The I’m seriously living in another dimension-two lives trip. In many ways you are…but it’s so important to create some space for you to get out and enjoy life. Feel the feelings again of going on a first date, going out on a crappy date, and going out on a great date!!! You will learn and feel so rejuvenated again. The best thing is that you will find the self-confidence in yourself that you lost for years of being asleep at the wheel. You will feel empowered and find that “shine” again. You got this girl….so get out there…take that first leap. Good or bad you will learn something new and great about yourself. (Perceiving Our Challenges blog).

 

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: Soul♥Survivor