Tag: divorce

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Beat the January Blues – Reset Renew Refresh

Beat the January Blues and leap into a New Year as a Single Mom. How to get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?

 

“You are leaping into a new reality here — it’s not your job to know the how; it’s your job to ask for what you want and wait to discover the how, then take action.”   – Jen Sincero (YOU are a BADASS)

 

Well, you did it! You survived the holidays!! For most, this time of year is full of family gatherings, holiday parties with couples and the awesome wonderment in your children’s eyes over all the holiday hustle and bustle. But not everyone is keen on the “Holiday Scene”…I’m talking about us “Divorcees”.   When you are divorced, whether it is the first year separated, the 5th or even the 10th year, the holidays bring a different vibe and energy then maybe they once did before. The facts are that its different now. Maybe you have some old memories, resentment or maybe even a fresh outlook to start new traditions. But no matter how you look at it, there is at least a few moments of sadness, hurt or loneliness that happen for us as we enter and finish the holiday season. So how do you get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?

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Hey Kids, Mom is Dating!

Mom is dating

“Wait! What?!! I’m dating again? How the hell did this happen?”    

-Alix Stone

Something you did for years with no thought at all. Many of us dating through our 20’s and 30’s– partying, clubs, bars, college friends, work friends…it was our lifestyle. Then you find yourself married 10+ years, kids, husband and now “Was-band”, divorced and realizing that you have not been single for 17 years! Wait…did I just say that? I haven’t been single for 17 years! How do I even get the nerve to start over…let alone meet someone? It’s 2017 and I’m a MOM! Now we enter the “double life” post-divorce stage. What is this new life going to entail and how will you handle it?

Three months “post – separation” from my almost 14 year marriage to Mark and 17 year relationship, I found myself changing my “Facebook Relationship Status” to SINGLE. Whoa! It was a feeling like no other. Mixed emotions for sure…Freedom yet sadness—He doesn’t know what he lost yet you’re insecure—You can date whomever you want yet will anyone want to date me? From one spectrum to the other, you find yourself jockeying between emotions. How do you navigate through your emotions and yet live the life that you know as a mother? With emotions raw right after a separation, you feel like you want to go out and sleep with anyone that shows interest. I like to call this the “CrAzY time” and anyone who has just been separated or divorced can relate. Whether you’re the “Petitioner” or the “Respondent” this time is the time you find yourself reliving your 20’s. Drinking, bars, one night stands, out with the girls, and partners in crime tend to be a theme for awhile. And it’s ok…we all need it. I compare it being let out of prison…you have been locked in a life of diapers, kids schedules, life with a husband and now you have a freedom again! Freedom you haven’t had in maybe a decade. So let your hair down! Maybe “prison” is too harsh…but let’s be real…you were tied down to a schedule and life that slowly became everyone else’s and not your own. Let go and enjoy…it is a short-lived stage compared to the lifetime movie you have been living.

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Ex In-Laws & Healthy Boundaries

ex in-laws and healthy boundaries

 

“Do not justify, apologize for or rationalize the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.” – Crystal Andrus

 

The “Ex’s…ex-husband, ex-sister in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-in-laws!!! Oh my! You have been so focused on the kids, yourself, the divorce…now the dust is settled and you have the EX-In-Laws and Outlaws! Some of them you might be happy to “separate” from…others maybe a sad parting of ways…either way, it’s not easy. So how do you continue the relationships and do you have to?

Marriage+Kids = grandparents, aunties, uncles…So as long as they are healthy relationships, then keeping the relationship is important. The kids need to see that their family is still a family. (Telling the Kids blog post) Show your kids how to rise above…they will look to you how to handle relationships in the future. But what if there are unhealthy relationships in your ex’s family…how do you create boundaries and keep your sanity? All more pressures added to the post divorce family.

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Solitude vs. Loneliness

see the heart on my sleeve

 

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.”     -Paul Tillich

 

The first night you’re alone…really alone. Your ex picks up the kids and you have the house to yourself. Maybe it’s one night, maybe it’s a few days…but you are alone. Why aren’t you celebrating? Instead you watch them drive off and you close the front door, walk through the quiet house…way too quiet house…slide down the wall…and sob. You sob like you have never sobbed before!

Have you had this night yet? It was the quiet nights that I would only dream about when I was married. “Only if I had a day to myself!!” I would daydream. I would actually fantasize about running away or getting sick…not too sick but sick enough where you couldn’t leave the bed. You could sleep ALLLL DAY and just have quiet uninterrupted time!  I about died from laughter after watching the movie “Bad Moms” and Kristen Bell’s character had the same fantasy!

(Watch this clip from the movie – Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn)

Oh Serenity Now!! Even my mom friends, who are married, tell me sometimes how jealous they are of my “nights off”. But it has taken me a long time to call them “my nights off”. I would dread the evenings alone. I didn’t realize then that I was really scared to be alone; not knowing what I would do with my time and how scared I was to feel loneliness. But without being with your loneliness, how can you get to the solitude?

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Why I Told the Truth to My 13 Year Old

telling your kids the truth

“Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.”            -Pat Benatar

 No one knows this better than a child going through divorce, especially a child who is old enough to remember his or her parents together. He/she has memories of them acting lovingly toward one another. But then one day it all is torn away from them. The kids were told they did nothing wrong. They were told they were loved. Now a year, two, three later this child is still wounded…questioning WHY? Why did Dad leave? Why did Mom let him? Why does it feel like the kid down the block has it all because his/her parents are still together? All valid questions possibly being asked by your child.

telling our kids the truth

Never in my married life did I think I would have to have that conversation with my children…the conversation of “Kids…Dad and Mom are getting a divorce”. (read Telling the Kids blog entry). But it happened. And after the divorce aftershocks calm down and the emotions start to lighten again, you think maybe, just maybe, your kids will be the ones that aren’t “that” fucked up. You find yourself saying, “My kids will be the ones that will be ok.” But then you think of what kind of people you are raising…I always said that I know I have done a good job if both my son and daughter grow up to be compassionate, hard working, and non-entitled individuals. What about if they will be a good boyfriend or girlfriend? And ultimately a good partner, especially, if their example is divorce. And how much of this is “hardwired” and how much is it learned? All questions I started asking myself as I was raising my tween son, James.

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Telling the Kids

telling the kids you are separating or divorcing

“It’s possible to have a loving divorce. It takes an enormous amount of courage to change your life. No one wants a marriage to end; no one wants to have that heart-crushing conversation with (the) kids, but it happens.”    

-Laurie David, Filmmaker, “An Inconvenient Truth”

 The crushing reality of “telling the kids”…to have that one conversation you hope to never have with them. “Kids…your dad and I love you very much. You didn’t do anything wrong. We are getting a divorce…” How do you tell the kids? What are the right and wrong things to say? I wished I had someone to tell me what and how; but I had to learn on my own; and this is why I share my story with you.

telling the kids we are separating or divorcing

The absolute WORST day of my life will go down as the day Mark and I had to tell the kids we were separating. Most people would think it was the day I discovered that Mark had been cheating on me…6 different women…some flirtations, some sexts–relationships you could tell had been going on for a while. (Read “Your Inner Voice” blog entry). All the while he was married to me, almost 14 years married and 17 years together. Here we were the All American Dream…2 kids (a boy and a girl), a Golden Retriever, 1 bunny, 1 cat, 2 fish…beautiful home in the ‘burbs, quiet little town, great careers…the one where he travels and I work from home to run my business and take care of the kids…Do you hate me yet? Yep! Well, that’s ok…we are a lot more alike than you think. Mark and I had problems just like anyone else. He was gone all the time working/traveling, while I was home doing EVERYTHING…housekeeper, babysitter (although doesn’t classify as “babysitter” when they are your own kids. HA!), chauffer, sex kitten, chef, disciplinarian, comforter, butt wiper, snot swiper, entrepreneur, business owner, therapist, nurse, oh did you like how I snuck “sex kitten” in there? Yep…because we moms are all the above and don’t have time to be tired… “Come on baby, give it to me now”. But seriously, we are the “do it all moms”.   But it wasn’t enough for Mark. His narcissism and love of the chase got the best of him. And so our marriage ended.

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Forgiveness For You

forgiveness for you

 

“You’ll realize how strong you are when you finally forgive someone who isn’t sorry.”      – Horacio Jones

 

What is it like to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry? How about just to forgive? The saying I found myself repeating again and again after my husband of 13+ years cheated on me was – “I’ll forgive but I won’t forget”. It wasn’t until my love, Derek, my first love after my divorce, taught me…but you have to forget too. My heart couldn’t surrender to that…I try but I can’t. How do You forgive? Are you a “forgive and don’t forget” person; or a “forgive and forget” person? Or do you hold onto the pain forever to remind yourself—to catch yourself—like a rubberband around your wrist—SNAP!

forgiveness for you

What I have learned through my 40 years is that in order to move forward you must forgive. Whether you stay with this partner, leave forever, or even keep a friendship…you have to forgive to move forward for Yourself! Forgiveness gives you a sense of letting go…freeing yourself from the past pain. If you hold on to that and do not forgive, then you are holding onto that pain. What good does that do but keep you in a state of hatred, fear and sadness?

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Your 2am Phone Call

best friends 2am phone call

 

“Best friends…you fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I get in a paddleboat and save your stupid ass!”      -Girl From Paris

Who are your “girls”? Your 2am phone call…your cry on the shoulder, eat a gallon of ice cream, drink a few bottles of wine, dance all night, talk for hours– girlfriends? We all have them! Whether it’s one, two, or five… “our girls” are who gets us through the best and the worst of times.

For me, my friends are my family. My kids call many of my best girlfriends “auntie”…it’s just how we do it. I’m blessed to have many girlfriends that I can call upon for advice, act as a sounding board, unload in a venting session, and of course chitty chitty chit chat all night long….and usually over many drinks! When I was going through my divorce, the relationship that broke me into a million pieces, “my girls” were there for me. Even when I dug myself into a hole to just feel the pain and never want to face reality of my days, someone was always there doing the right thing. Sometimes it was letting me cry, other times it was coaxing me out on the town…and other times it was cheesy girl movies and hard alcohol! One of my favorites is with my “ROCK”,  my college BFF, Luna.  She and I have “Virtual Happy Hour” over the phone because she lives 600 miles away!  And the funniest time… when one of my girlfriends sent me home with her Marijuana stash (prescription of course) and said, “Smoke it all girl! I don’t want to see you until next week!”  Next week!!!??? She just sent me home with more pot then I had smoked in the last 10 years!

We all have our crew or our BFF, who would fight tooth and nail for you. You know she would be there for you in whatever way she can help. So who do you lean on in the time of need? It’s who I like to call…

 

-“Your 2am Phone Call”.   When I found out that Mark had been cheating on me with an extraordinary amount of women, I lost my shit! Literally ran to the bathroom and threw up. My next move…called Athena! And yes it was close to 2am! Of course she didn’t answer…. she’s a mother of 3 and fast asleep! But she called me 1st thing next morning! I needed her to see the photos I took of Mark’s screenshots…to make sure I wasn’t going crazy!? She even took the kids for a “play date” when I confronted Mark and kicked him out. (Read- “Power Moment” blog) And she has been there ever since.

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Your Power Moment

your power moment

 

“Often it’s the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self”   -Karen Salmansohn

   The Power Moment! The moment when no one can take away your strength…the moment you are the Phoenix rising from the ashes. This is your moment. Have you had this moment yet? Or maybe you are gearing up for it, like going into battle– suit up, pull up your big girl panties and do this! Our lives will hand us shit sometimes. It’s what you do with this shit that will create your personal growth. So let’s talk about those Power Moments and how to get yourself ready for it.

Now for us Divorcees…we all have this moment. Maybe it is as shallow as how hot you looked in front of your ex and his new girlfriend or as wonderful as a win over something you were fighting for in the MSA. Either way, you have had or will have this moment. For me, it was what I like to call “The Confrontation”. The funny thing is it’s like I knew this was going to be my Power Moment. So I actually thought about it and took my time planning it out! It felt like I was making my directorial debut on my Lifetime Movie. “OK people, I want this in one take…let’s make this real…let’s make this raw…let’s do this! ACTION!”

your power moment

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