heart on my sleeve Archives - ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥

February 21, 2018February 21, 2018

Different Kinds of Love

Part 1 of a Series: Different Kinds of Love

“I thought of all the different kinds of love in the world. I could think of ten without even trying. The way parents love their kids, the way you love a puppy or chocolate ice cream or home or your favorite book or your sister. Or your uncle. There’s those kinds of love and then there’s the other kind. The falling kind.” – Carol Rifka Brunt

February comes around and as you enter every grocery store, Walgreens, Big Box Store – Bam! There it is right in your face- LOVE– Or at least the “Hallmark Version” of Love. Paper hearts, valentines, ad campaigns for jewelry— it’s everywhere you turn. But what is the true meaning of Love? When you hear this word—what is the first thought that comes to mind? Is it your children? Family? Lover? Your dog? Love can encompass so many relationships. But when we see the hearts, the valentines, the commercials bombarding us come February – most of us think of Luvvvvvvvv! (said in my best Barry White impression). Turn down the lights baby and slide over here. Oh yayyyyyy—- Lovvvve! But how many kinds of love are there? Is there more than one type of love? Can you love more than one person at one time? Can you love two people equally? And all the different loves in your lifetime…love of your friends, family, pets, children and even yourself…where does it all fit into place?

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November 21, 2017November 29, 2017

Dating After Divorce 101: The Break Up Game

“I loved you with all my heart. For the first time in my life, loving someone fully with body and soul. But it wasn’t enough.”

-Alix Stone

Break up. Break down. Broken heart. Broken pieces. It’s all like the shattered glass on the floor. Shards of glass you sweep up and when you have finally cleaned up, hoping to have gotten all the pieces— there in the corner – deep in the corner of the room…a glistening piece of glass that splintered off. A reminder that you may still be a little broken, but with each relationship you are learning more about yourself and will sparkle again. It’s what I like to call the “Break up…Again”, your first break up with your first real solid relationship post divorce life. This break up is when you realize that all the work you have been doing on yourself up to this point has been worth it. It won’t be clear right away. You may even bounce back and forth between “Is this the worst decision of my life” to “I’m already out the door”. But the post divorce first break up can be similar to a game of football with time outs, play ball, and replays. Until one day, you are able to really get back on the “You” track of life yet again.

Ok…so you did it…You fell in love…again. You learned to trust, love and be vulnerable…again. But what happens when your love relationship, post divorce, is now one that takes a turn? Maybe the relationship is getting more serious and you need to decide if this is your “forever”? Or maybe they make that decision for you and leave? Whatever the situation, this break up will be like no other in your whole dating life. You are a different person now—stronger, wiser and with different priorities. But…wait, can you trust your mind and heart again? Are you listening to the right one? (Conversations Between Heart and Mind) This moment while you are breaking up can be extremely difficult. The truth is that while we may be different people, we are also older. Maybe you are scared to let go of a relationship that might be comfortable; but is it good enough for the long haul or would you be settling? Let’s face it…we aren’t in our 20’s anymore and finding a great relationship “again” in your 40’s or 50’s is not as easy as it was when we were younger. You have heard the saying, “all the good ones are taken”. So then this weird shift starts to happen. It’s like the Super Bowl game and the playoff champs are your Heart vs Mind. Each ready to play on the field for the opportunity to win big!

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September 14, 2017November 21, 2017

Bad Moms and What We Really Want!

What do you really want as a Mom? What do you fantasize about? Does it make you a bad mom?

For many of us, it’s not what you think! Sleeping in all day, alone time, even being sick just to have some time by yourself?!!

How many of us can relate to this Bad Mom’s Clip?!

Cant view the video? Click on BAD MOM”s “Bad Mother’s Day” Clip here

July 14, 2017November 21, 2017

Hey Kids, Mom is Dating!

“Wait! What?!! I’m dating again? How the hell did this happen?”

-Alix Stone

Something you did for years with no thought at all. Many of us dating through our 20’s and 30’s– partying, clubs, bars, college friends, work friends…it was our lifestyle. Then you find yourself married 10+ years, kids, husband and now “Was-band”, divorced and realizing that you have not been single for 17 years! Wait…did I just say that? I haven’t been single for 17 years! How do I even get the nerve to start over…let alone meet someone? It’s 2017 and I’m a MOM! Now we enter the “double life” post-divorce stage. What is this new life going to entail and how will you handle it?

Three months “post – separation” from my almost 14 year marriage to Mark and 17 year relationship, I found myself changing my “Facebook Relationship Status” to SINGLE. Whoa! It was a feeling like no other. Mixed emotions for sure…Freedom yet sadness—He doesn’t know what he lost yet you’re insecure—You can date whomever you want yet will anyone want to date me? From one spectrum to the other, you find yourself jockeying between emotions. How do you navigate through your emotions and yet live the life that you know as a mother? With emotions raw right after a separation, you feel like you want to go out and sleep with anyone that shows interest. I like to call this the “CrAzY time” and anyone who has just been separated or divorced can relate. Whether you’re the “Petitioner” or the “Respondent” this time is the time you find yourself reliving your 20’s. Drinking, bars, one night stands, out with the girls, and partners in crime tend to be a theme for awhile. And it’s ok…we all need it. I compare it being let out of prison…you have been locked in a life of diapers, kids schedules, life with a husband and now you have a freedom again! Freedom you haven’t had in maybe a decade. So let your hair down! Maybe “prison” is too harsh…but let’s be real…you were tied down to a schedule and life that slowly became everyone else’s and not your own. Let go and enjoy…it is a short-lived stage compared to the lifetime movie you have been living.

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June 25, 2017November 21, 2017

Ex In-Laws & Healthy Boundaries

“Do not justify, apologize for or rationalize the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.” – Crystal Andrus

The “Ex’s…ex-husband, ex-sister in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-in-laws!!! Oh my! You have been so focused on the kids, yourself, the divorce…now the dust is settled and you have the EX-In-Laws and Outlaws! Some of them you might be happy to “separate” from…others maybe a sad parting of ways…either way, it’s not easy. So how do you continue the relationships and do you have to?

Marriage+Kids = grandparents, aunties, uncles…So as long as they are healthy relationships, then keeping the relationship is important. The kids need to see that their family is still a family. (Telling the Kids blog post) Show your kids how to rise above…they will look to you how to handle relationships in the future. But what if there are unhealthy relationships in your ex’s family…how do you create boundaries and keep your sanity? All more pressures added to the post divorce family.

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May 25, 2017November 21, 2017

Solitude vs. Loneliness

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” -Paul Tillich

The first night you’re alone…really alone. Your ex picks up the kids and you have the house to yourself. Maybe it’s one night, maybe it’s a few days…but you are alone. Why aren’t you celebrating? Instead you watch them drive off and you close the front door, walk through the quiet house…way too quiet house…slide down the wall…and sob. You sob like you have never sobbed before!

Have you had this night yet? It was the quiet nights that I would only dream about when I was married. “Only if I had a day to myself!!” I would daydream. I would actually fantasize about running away or getting sick…not too sick but sick enough where you couldn’t leave the bed. You could sleep ALLLL DAY and just have quiet uninterrupted time! I about died from laughter after watching the movie “Bad Moms” and Kristen Bell’s character had the same fantasy!

(Watch this clip from the movie – Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn)

Oh Serenity Now!! Even my mom friends, who are married, tell me sometimes how jealous they are of my “nights off”. But it has taken me a long time to call them “my nights off”. I would dread the evenings alone. I didn’t realize then that I was really scared to be alone; not knowing what I would do with my time and how scared I was to feel loneliness. But without being with your loneliness, how can you get to the solitude?

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May 18, 2017November 21, 2017

Why I Told the Truth to My 13 Year Old

“Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.” -Pat Benatar

No one knows this better than a child going through divorce, especially a child who is old enough to remember his or her parents together. He/she has memories of them acting lovingly toward one another. But then one day it all is torn away from them. The kids were told they did nothing wrong. They were told they were loved. Now a year, two, three later this child is still wounded…questioning WHY? Why did Dad leave? Why did Mom let him? Why does it feel like the kid down the block has it all because his/her parents are still together? All valid questions possibly being asked by your child.

Never in my married life did I think I would have to have that conversation with my children…the conversation of “Kids…Dad and Mom are getting a divorce”. (read Telling the Kids blog entry). But it happened. And after the divorce aftershocks calm down and the emotions start to lighten again, you think maybe, just maybe, your kids will be the ones that aren’t “that” fucked up. You find yourself saying, “My kids will be the ones that will be ok.” But then you think of what kind of people you are raising…I always said that I know I have done a good job if both my son and daughter grow up to be compassionate, hard working, and non-entitled individuals. What about if they will be a good boyfriend or girlfriend? And ultimately a good partner, especially, if their example is divorce. And how much of this is “hardwired” and how much is it learned? All questions I started asking myself as I was raising my tween son, James.

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May 4, 2017November 21, 2017

Forgiveness For You

“You’ll realize how strong you are when you finally forgive someone who isn’t sorry.” – Horacio Jones

What is it like to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry? How about just to forgive? The saying I found myself repeating again and again after my husband of 13+ years cheated on me was – “I’ll forgive but I won’t forget”. It wasn’t until my love, Derek, my first love after my divorce, taught me…but you have to forget too. My heart couldn’t surrender to that…I try but I can’t. How do You forgive? Are you a “forgive and don’t forget” person; or a “forgive and forget” person? Or do you hold onto the pain forever to remind yourself—to catch yourself—like a rubberband around your wrist—SNAP!

What I have learned through my 40 years is that in order to move forward you must forgive. Whether you stay with this partner, leave forever, or even keep a friendship…you have to forgive to move forward for Yourself! Forgiveness gives you a sense of letting go…freeing yourself from the past pain. If you hold on to that and do not forgive, then you are holding onto that pain. What good does that do but keep you in a state of hatred, fear and sadness?

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April 26, 2017November 21, 2017

Your 2am Phone Call

“Best friends…you fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I get in a paddleboat and save your stupid ass!” -Girl From Paris

Who are your “girls”? Your 2am phone call…your cry on the shoulder, eat a gallon of ice cream, drink a few bottles of wine, dance all night, talk for hours– girlfriends? We all have them! Whether it’s one, two, or five… “our girls” are who gets us through the best and the worst of times.

For me, my friends are my family. My kids call many of my best girlfriends “auntie”…it’s just how we do it. I’m blessed to have many girlfriends that I can call upon for advice, act as a sounding board, unload in a venting session, and of course chitty chitty chit chat all night long….and usually over many drinks! When I was going through my divorce, the relationship that broke me into a million pieces, “my girls” were there for me. Even when I dug myself into a hole to just feel the pain and never want to face reality of my days, someone was always there doing the right thing. Sometimes it was letting me cry, other times it was coaxing me out on the town…and other times it was cheesy girl movies and hard alcohol! One of my favorites is with my “ROCK”, my college BFF, Luna. She and I have “Virtual Happy Hour” over the phone because she lives 600 miles away! And the funniest time… when one of my girlfriends sent me home with her Marijuana stash (prescription of course) and said, “Smoke it all girl! I don’t want to see you until next week!” Next week!!!??? She just sent me home with more pot then I had smoked in the last 10 years!

We all have our crew or our BFF, who would fight tooth and nail for you. You know she would be there for you in whatever way she can help. So who do you lean on in the time of need? It’s who I like to call…

-“Your 2am Phone Call”. When I found out that Mark had been cheating on me with an extraordinary amount of women, I lost my shit! Literally ran to the bathroom and threw up. My next move…called Athena! And yes it was close to 2am! Of course she didn’t answer…. she’s a mother of 3 and fast asleep! But she called me 1^st thing next morning! I needed her to see the photos I took of Mark’s screenshots…to make sure I wasn’t going crazy!? She even took the kids for a “play date” when I confronted Mark and kicked him out. (Read- “Power Moment” blog) And she has been there ever since.

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April 20, 2017November 21, 2017

Your Power Moment

“Often it’s the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self” -Karen Salmansohn

The Power Moment! The moment when no one can take away your strength…the moment you are the Phoenix rising from the ashes. This is your moment. Have you had this moment yet? Or maybe you are gearing up for it, like going into battle– suit up, pull up your big girl panties and do this! Our lives will hand us shit sometimes. It’s what you do with this shit that will create your personal growth. So let’s talk about those Power Moments and how to get yourself ready for it.

Now for us Divorcees…we all have this moment. Maybe it is as shallow as how hot you looked in front of your ex and his new girlfriend or as wonderful as a win over something you were fighting for in the MSA. Either way, you have had or will have this moment. For me, it was what I like to call “The Confrontation”. The funny thing is it’s like I knew this was going to be my Power Moment. So I actually thought about it and took my time planning it out! It felt like I was making my directorial debut on my Lifetime Movie. “OK people, I want this in one take…let’s make this real…let’s make this raw…let’s do this! ACTION!”

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