how we perceive our challenges Archives - ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥

July 14, 2017November 21, 2017

Hey Kids, Mom is Dating!

“Wait! What?!! I’m dating again? How the hell did this happen?”

-Alix Stone

Something you did for years with no thought at all. Many of us dating through our 20’s and 30’s– partying, clubs, bars, college friends, work friends…it was our lifestyle. Then you find yourself married 10+ years, kids, husband and now “Was-band”, divorced and realizing that you have not been single for 17 years! Wait…did I just say that? I haven’t been single for 17 years! How do I even get the nerve to start over…let alone meet someone? It’s 2017 and I’m a MOM! Now we enter the “double life” post-divorce stage. What is this new life going to entail and how will you handle it?

Three months “post – separation” from my almost 14 year marriage to Mark and 17 year relationship, I found myself changing my “Facebook Relationship Status” to SINGLE. Whoa! It was a feeling like no other. Mixed emotions for sure…Freedom yet sadness—He doesn’t know what he lost yet you’re insecure—You can date whomever you want yet will anyone want to date me? From one spectrum to the other, you find yourself jockeying between emotions. How do you navigate through your emotions and yet live the life that you know as a mother? With emotions raw right after a separation, you feel like you want to go out and sleep with anyone that shows interest. I like to call this the “CrAzY time” and anyone who has just been separated or divorced can relate. Whether you’re the “Petitioner” or the “Respondent” this time is the time you find yourself reliving your 20’s. Drinking, bars, one night stands, out with the girls, and partners in crime tend to be a theme for awhile. And it’s ok…we all need it. I compare it being let out of prison…you have been locked in a life of diapers, kids schedules, life with a husband and now you have a freedom again! Freedom you haven’t had in maybe a decade. So let your hair down! Maybe “prison” is too harsh…but let’s be real…you were tied down to a schedule and life that slowly became everyone else’s and not your own. Let go and enjoy…it is a short-lived stage compared to the lifetime movie you have been living.

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May 25, 2017November 21, 2017

Solitude vs. Loneliness

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” -Paul Tillich

The first night you’re alone…really alone. Your ex picks up the kids and you have the house to yourself. Maybe it’s one night, maybe it’s a few days…but you are alone. Why aren’t you celebrating? Instead you watch them drive off and you close the front door, walk through the quiet house…way too quiet house…slide down the wall…and sob. You sob like you have never sobbed before!

Have you had this night yet? It was the quiet nights that I would only dream about when I was married. “Only if I had a day to myself!!” I would daydream. I would actually fantasize about running away or getting sick…not too sick but sick enough where you couldn’t leave the bed. You could sleep ALLLL DAY and just have quiet uninterrupted time! I about died from laughter after watching the movie “Bad Moms” and Kristen Bell’s character had the same fantasy!

(Watch this clip from the movie – Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn)

Oh Serenity Now!! Even my mom friends, who are married, tell me sometimes how jealous they are of my “nights off”. But it has taken me a long time to call them “my nights off”. I would dread the evenings alone. I didn’t realize then that I was really scared to be alone; not knowing what I would do with my time and how scared I was to feel loneliness. But without being with your loneliness, how can you get to the solitude?

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May 4, 2017November 21, 2017

Forgiveness For You

“You’ll realize how strong you are when you finally forgive someone who isn’t sorry.” – Horacio Jones

What is it like to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry? How about just to forgive? The saying I found myself repeating again and again after my husband of 13+ years cheated on me was – “I’ll forgive but I won’t forget”. It wasn’t until my love, Derek, my first love after my divorce, taught me…but you have to forget too. My heart couldn’t surrender to that…I try but I can’t. How do You forgive? Are you a “forgive and don’t forget” person; or a “forgive and forget” person? Or do you hold onto the pain forever to remind yourself—to catch yourself—like a rubberband around your wrist—SNAP!

What I have learned through my 40 years is that in order to move forward you must forgive. Whether you stay with this partner, leave forever, or even keep a friendship…you have to forgive to move forward for Yourself! Forgiveness gives you a sense of letting go…freeing yourself from the past pain. If you hold on to that and do not forgive, then you are holding onto that pain. What good does that do but keep you in a state of hatred, fear and sadness?

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April 20, 2017November 21, 2017

Your Power Moment

“Often it’s the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self” -Karen Salmansohn

The Power Moment! The moment when no one can take away your strength…the moment you are the Phoenix rising from the ashes. This is your moment. Have you had this moment yet? Or maybe you are gearing up for it, like going into battle– suit up, pull up your big girl panties and do this! Our lives will hand us shit sometimes. It’s what you do with this shit that will create your personal growth. So let’s talk about those Power Moments and how to get yourself ready for it.

Now for us Divorcees…we all have this moment. Maybe it is as shallow as how hot you looked in front of your ex and his new girlfriend or as wonderful as a win over something you were fighting for in the MSA. Either way, you have had or will have this moment. For me, it was what I like to call “The Confrontation”. The funny thing is it’s like I knew this was going to be my Power Moment. So I actually thought about it and took my time planning it out! It felt like I was making my directorial debut on my Lifetime Movie. “OK people, I want this in one take…let’s make this real…let’s make this raw…let’s do this! ACTION!”

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January 27, 2017November 21, 2017

How We Perceive Our Challenges

“I’m just making a conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial” – Jim Carrey

We all have our “shit”– our challenges we face daily. Whether it’s a sick parent, challenges with your children, tough job, or a failing marriage/relationship…our shit is our shit. To each of their own, I like to say. Don’t let Facebook or (Fakebook), as my 13 year old son calls it, let you think otherwise. We all are telling our story in different ways. So what are your challenges? How do you perceive them? How do you choose to react to them?

For me…it depends on my state of mind–my inner strength…my soul…my core. If I’m not taking care of Me, then my inner strength is weakened. I find myself in a monkey mind of story lines–one’s which may never be true–causing me to react in fear or sadness. But it’s when we are facing these challenges that we learn so much from ourselves. If you can stop the “monkey mind” and face your problem with an attitude of “what can I learn from this” , “how is this going to make me stronger”, “can I turn this around to be an A-ha moment”? It’s all perception– awakening the mind to how to act not react.

When I found out my husband of 13+years had been cheating on me for more then half our marriage…don’t get me wrong— I did react!! It was the famous “Fight or Flight” moment. I literally threw up after discovering numerous women’s sexting conversations on his phone. After a few moments in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror with puffy eyes and tears streaming down my face, I said, “Pull your shit together girl!”. I proceeded down the hallway to where he slept, while our children lie peacefully in their beds. Grabbing the baseball bat, we have under the bed, I leaned over his sleeping body as he snored so heavily in his slumber. I wanted so badly to hurt him the way my heart was hurting…I raised the bat toward his body—(my crazy Britney Spears moment) and then my little voice, my inner strength, whispered in my ear, “your babies are sleeping.” My beautiful children, whom I made with this man, were sleeping in the next room. They almost never heard us fight and never knew their perfect little world would soon be over. I lowered the bat, left the room, and sobbed as my heart broke into pieces. I then made a choice at that very moment…My children! I am MAMA BEAR, hear me roar!!! I made a choice to slowly, methodically, and calmly handle this challenge with grace and love–not fear. Now don’t get me wrong–there is more to this story– but I knew that night that he had just given me a gift! A gift of a new life! A gift of my children! And a gift of me finding inner strength I never knew I had. He awoke the sleeping Phoenix in me and I would rise again.

And wherever you are in your challenges, you can find a gift also. What good can come out of your situation? Sometimes they are hidden and take time to see; but trust me…they are there. Awaken your mind to changing your perception– you will find your strength!

–Soul ♥ Survivor

*Great short featuring Jim Carrey’s speech of choosing “Love not Fear” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TIXuCG1gug

January 25, 2017November 21, 2017

My Story…

“My Story”

As I start to write this…I’m scared, nervous, excited— who the hell cares about “My” Story? But I’m here to be honest and will always shoot it straight and cut through the bullshit— so that’s why the “Warning Label” on the Home Page.

And I’ll start by saying this — this is my first attempt to a blog! So please be patient with me while I work through some shit and start this incredible journey. As the days, weeks, months go by– I will be adding stories, blogs, articles, resources. My hope is that you will find something here that will be a useful tool for you or at least make you laugh and maybe cry. Somehow someway be healing to your heart.

“My story” will unfold here for you to read, dissect, and criticize but what gives me the audacity to start a blog about divorce, heartache, marriage, kids, dating? Well….for one, because I was married for 14 years and have two pretty awesome kids (who are now entering pre-teen/teen). For reason two– notice the “italicized” WAS married? I found out at the 13.5 year mark of my marriage that my husband had been cheating on me for at least 8 years of our marriage. And not the had an oopsie- “I fell in love with someone else” kind of cheating— the “I live two lives”- Tiger Woods Platinum Level of cheating! Awesome! Good Times! (insert sarcasm). And through it all– the good, the bad, and the ugly, I held my shit together. Why? Because we are badass Moms that’s why!! I found an amazing therapist/guru, meditation, self love, inner fkn strength I never knew I had, kindness, forgiveness, and yes Love again.

So let my stories be your guide through all of it–divorce, kids, dating again, and everything in between… Think of it as your Soul Survivor’s Guide. And just to start us off– a few things I have learned along the way:

Kindness and Humor gets you a long way. Kindness can be forgiving when you thought you could never forgive. And Humor…well…shit…we all need a good laugh sometimes! Laughter is the best medicine.

Your Girlfriends/BFFS will save your life! True colors shine through the toughest times! And to get through this huge life transition you will need strong people at your side to peel you off the floor, have your back, bring wine, and everything in between.

Power of Your Story will help you find your inner strength. You will get through this! And you will get to the other side and see how this is a beginning of a new chapter not the end of your story. You have to find that power within and be able to rise above…being the Phoenix from the Ashes!

So I’m here for you…let the story unfold…

*Alix Stone

@soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: Soul♥Survivor

see the heart on my sleeve