inner voice Archives - ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥

November 21, 2017November 29, 2017

Dating After Divorce 101: The Break Up Game

“I loved you with all my heart. For the first time in my life, loving someone fully with body and soul. But it wasn’t enough.”

-Alix Stone

Break up. Break down. Broken heart. Broken pieces. It’s all like the shattered glass on the floor. Shards of glass you sweep up and when you have finally cleaned up, hoping to have gotten all the pieces— there in the corner – deep in the corner of the room…a glistening piece of glass that splintered off. A reminder that you may still be a little broken, but with each relationship you are learning more about yourself and will sparkle again. It’s what I like to call the “Break up…Again”, your first break up with your first real solid relationship post divorce life. This break up is when you realize that all the work you have been doing on yourself up to this point has been worth it. It won’t be clear right away. You may even bounce back and forth between “Is this the worst decision of my life” to “I’m already out the door”. But the post divorce first break up can be similar to a game of football with time outs, play ball, and replays. Until one day, you are able to really get back on the “You” track of life yet again.

Ok…so you did it…You fell in love…again. You learned to trust, love and be vulnerable…again. But what happens when your love relationship, post divorce, is now one that takes a turn? Maybe the relationship is getting more serious and you need to decide if this is your “forever”? Or maybe they make that decision for you and leave? Whatever the situation, this break up will be like no other in your whole dating life. You are a different person now—stronger, wiser and with different priorities. But…wait, can you trust your mind and heart again? Are you listening to the right one? (Conversations Between Heart and Mind) This moment while you are breaking up can be extremely difficult. The truth is that while we may be different people, we are also older. Maybe you are scared to let go of a relationship that might be comfortable; but is it good enough for the long haul or would you be settling? Let’s face it…we aren’t in our 20’s anymore and finding a great relationship “again” in your 40’s or 50’s is not as easy as it was when we were younger. You have heard the saying, “all the good ones are taken”. So then this weird shift starts to happen. It’s like the Super Bowl game and the playoff champs are your Heart vs Mind. Each ready to play on the field for the opportunity to win big!

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July 14, 2017November 21, 2017

Hey Kids, Mom is Dating!

“Wait! What?!! I’m dating again? How the hell did this happen?”

-Alix Stone

Something you did for years with no thought at all. Many of us dating through our 20’s and 30’s– partying, clubs, bars, college friends, work friends…it was our lifestyle. Then you find yourself married 10+ years, kids, husband and now “Was-band”, divorced and realizing that you have not been single for 17 years! Wait…did I just say that? I haven’t been single for 17 years! How do I even get the nerve to start over…let alone meet someone? It’s 2017 and I’m a MOM! Now we enter the “double life” post-divorce stage. What is this new life going to entail and how will you handle it?

Three months “post – separation” from my almost 14 year marriage to Mark and 17 year relationship, I found myself changing my “Facebook Relationship Status” to SINGLE. Whoa! It was a feeling like no other. Mixed emotions for sure…Freedom yet sadness—He doesn’t know what he lost yet you’re insecure—You can date whomever you want yet will anyone want to date me? From one spectrum to the other, you find yourself jockeying between emotions. How do you navigate through your emotions and yet live the life that you know as a mother? With emotions raw right after a separation, you feel like you want to go out and sleep with anyone that shows interest. I like to call this the “CrAzY time” and anyone who has just been separated or divorced can relate. Whether you’re the “Petitioner” or the “Respondent” this time is the time you find yourself reliving your 20’s. Drinking, bars, one night stands, out with the girls, and partners in crime tend to be a theme for awhile. And it’s ok…we all need it. I compare it being let out of prison…you have been locked in a life of diapers, kids schedules, life with a husband and now you have a freedom again! Freedom you haven’t had in maybe a decade. So let your hair down! Maybe “prison” is too harsh…but let’s be real…you were tied down to a schedule and life that slowly became everyone else’s and not your own. Let go and enjoy…it is a short-lived stage compared to the lifetime movie you have been living.

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May 15, 2017November 21, 2017

Telling the Kids

“It’s possible to have a loving divorce. It takes an enormous amount of courage to change your life. No one wants a marriage to end; no one wants to have that heart-crushing conversation with (the) kids, but it happens.”

-Laurie David, Filmmaker, “An Inconvenient Truth”

The crushing reality of “telling the kids”…to have that one conversation you hope to never have with them. “Kids…your dad and I love you very much. You didn’t do anything wrong. We are getting a divorce…” How do you tell the kids? What are the right and wrong things to say? I wished I had someone to tell me what and how; but I had to learn on my own; and this is why I share my story with you.

The absolute WORST day of my life will go down as the day Mark and I had to tell the kids we were separating. Most people would think it was the day I discovered that Mark had been cheating on me…6 different women…some flirtations, some sexts–relationships you could tell had been going on for a while. (Read “Your Inner Voice” blog entry). All the while he was married to me, almost 14 years married and 17 years together. Here we were the All American Dream…2 kids (a boy and a girl), a Golden Retriever, 1 bunny, 1 cat, 2 fish…beautiful home in the ‘burbs, quiet little town, great careers…the one where he travels and I work from home to run my business and take care of the kids…Do you hate me yet? Yep! Well, that’s ok…we are a lot more alike than you think. Mark and I had problems just like anyone else. He was gone all the time working/traveling, while I was home doing EVERYTHING…housekeeper, babysitter (although doesn’t classify as “babysitter” when they are your own kids. HA!), chauffer, sex kitten, chef, disciplinarian, comforter, butt wiper, snot swiper, entrepreneur, business owner, therapist, nurse, oh did you like how I snuck “sex kitten” in there? Yep…because we moms are all the above and don’t have time to be tired… “Come on baby, give it to me now”. But seriously, we are the “do it all moms”. But it wasn’t enough for Mark. His narcissism and love of the chase got the best of him. And so our marriage ended.

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March 19, 2017November 21, 2017

Your Inner Voice

“The inner voice is something which cannot be described in words. But sometimes we have a positive feeling that something in us prompts us to do a certain thing. “ -Mahatma Gandhi

We have all had that moment in our lives where your “inner voice” is trying to tell you something. Maybe it was when you were a little girl and you had that lump in your throat because you were going to go along with the “other girls” with something bad. Maybe it’s when you were taking a risk and that voice stepped in and said, “YESSS! You got this girl!” Think about how that felt…where the feelings were in your body? Lump in your throat? Catch in your breath? Voice in your head? No you are not crazy….totally human…and a woman with a 6^th sense! We all have it…it’s just how “in tune” we are with it. So what do we do with that intuition? How do we let it help us make decisions in our life’s path?

In my almost 14 year marriage to my ex-husband, I fell asleep at the wheel, which was my marriage. I lost not only my outer voice but also the ability to listen to my inner voice. I pushed MUTE on my intuition, telling myself; this is just what it is to be married and to be married to Mark. I had muted her so much that my body was now screaming at me! Thirty-five pounds later and 3 years of painful sex— I had myself convinced that I either had cancer or some rare disease! My doctor sent me to 2 different specialists to perform various tests, ultrasounds, etc. to find out why I had such pain during intercourse. All doctors sat scratching their heads…they had no idea. But my body knew something was wrong…the only way to protect myself was to close my legs to my husband. Then the voice in my head got louder until one day driving home from the gym, I heard her loud and clear! “CHECK HIS PHONE!”

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