mama bear Archives - ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥

June 25, 2017November 21, 2017

Ex In-Laws & Healthy Boundaries

“Do not justify, apologize for or rationalize the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.” – Crystal Andrus

The “Ex’s…ex-husband, ex-sister in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-in-laws!!! Oh my! You have been so focused on the kids, yourself, the divorce…now the dust is settled and you have the EX-In-Laws and Outlaws! Some of them you might be happy to “separate” from…others maybe a sad parting of ways…either way, it’s not easy. So how do you continue the relationships and do you have to?

Marriage+Kids = grandparents, aunties, uncles…So as long as they are healthy relationships, then keeping the relationship is important. The kids need to see that their family is still a family. (Telling the Kids blog post) Show your kids how to rise above…they will look to you how to handle relationships in the future. But what if there are unhealthy relationships in your ex’s family…how do you create boundaries and keep your sanity? All more pressures added to the post divorce family.

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May 18, 2017November 21, 2017

Why I Told the Truth to My 13 Year Old

“Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.” -Pat Benatar

No one knows this better than a child going through divorce, especially a child who is old enough to remember his or her parents together. He/she has memories of them acting lovingly toward one another. But then one day it all is torn away from them. The kids were told they did nothing wrong. They were told they were loved. Now a year, two, three later this child is still wounded…questioning WHY? Why did Dad leave? Why did Mom let him? Why does it feel like the kid down the block has it all because his/her parents are still together? All valid questions possibly being asked by your child.

Never in my married life did I think I would have to have that conversation with my children…the conversation of “Kids…Dad and Mom are getting a divorce”. (read Telling the Kids blog entry). But it happened. And after the divorce aftershocks calm down and the emotions start to lighten again, you think maybe, just maybe, your kids will be the ones that aren’t “that” fucked up. You find yourself saying, “My kids will be the ones that will be ok.” But then you think of what kind of people you are raising…I always said that I know I have done a good job if both my son and daughter grow up to be compassionate, hard working, and non-entitled individuals. What about if they will be a good boyfriend or girlfriend? And ultimately a good partner, especially, if their example is divorce. And how much of this is “hardwired” and how much is it learned? All questions I started asking myself as I was raising my tween son, James.

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April 26, 2017November 21, 2017

Your 2am Phone Call

“Best friends…you fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I get in a paddleboat and save your stupid ass!” -Girl From Paris

Who are your “girls”? Your 2am phone call…your cry on the shoulder, eat a gallon of ice cream, drink a few bottles of wine, dance all night, talk for hours– girlfriends? We all have them! Whether it’s one, two, or five… “our girls” are who gets us through the best and the worst of times.

For me, my friends are my family. My kids call many of my best girlfriends “auntie”…it’s just how we do it. I’m blessed to have many girlfriends that I can call upon for advice, act as a sounding board, unload in a venting session, and of course chitty chitty chit chat all night long….and usually over many drinks! When I was going through my divorce, the relationship that broke me into a million pieces, “my girls” were there for me. Even when I dug myself into a hole to just feel the pain and never want to face reality of my days, someone was always there doing the right thing. Sometimes it was letting me cry, other times it was coaxing me out on the town…and other times it was cheesy girl movies and hard alcohol! One of my favorites is with my “ROCK”, my college BFF, Luna. She and I have “Virtual Happy Hour” over the phone because she lives 600 miles away! And the funniest time… when one of my girlfriends sent me home with her Marijuana stash (prescription of course) and said, “Smoke it all girl! I don’t want to see you until next week!” Next week!!!??? She just sent me home with more pot then I had smoked in the last 10 years!

We all have our crew or our BFF, who would fight tooth and nail for you. You know she would be there for you in whatever way she can help. So who do you lean on in the time of need? It’s who I like to call…

-“Your 2am Phone Call”. When I found out that Mark had been cheating on me with an extraordinary amount of women, I lost my shit! Literally ran to the bathroom and threw up. My next move…called Athena! And yes it was close to 2am! Of course she didn’t answer…. she’s a mother of 3 and fast asleep! But she called me 1^st thing next morning! I needed her to see the photos I took of Mark’s screenshots…to make sure I wasn’t going crazy!? She even took the kids for a “play date” when I confronted Mark and kicked him out. (Read- “Power Moment” blog) And she has been there ever since.

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