Tag: soul survivor

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Beat the January Blues – Reset Renew Refresh

Beat the January Blues and leap into a New Year as a Single Mom. How to get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?

 

“You are leaping into a new reality here — it’s not your job to know the how; it’s your job to ask for what you want and wait to discover the how, then take action.”   – Jen Sincero (YOU are a BADASS)

 

Well, you did it! You survived the holidays!! For most, this time of year is full of family gatherings, holiday parties with couples and the awesome wonderment in your children’s eyes over all the holiday hustle and bustle. But not everyone is keen on the “Holiday Scene”…I’m talking about us “Divorcees”.   When you are divorced, whether it is the first year separated, the 5th or even the 10th year, the holidays bring a different vibe and energy then maybe they once did before. The facts are that its different now. Maybe you have some old memories, resentment or maybe even a fresh outlook to start new traditions. But no matter how you look at it, there is at least a few moments of sadness, hurt or loneliness that happen for us as we enter and finish the holiday season. So how do you get through it and how do we press the “Restart Button” for the New Year?

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Dating After Divorce 101: Bringing in the Ex

Bringing in the Ex

 

“Before you get in a relationship you must heal the broken pieces inside of you. We must never make our partners of the future suffer because of the mistakes from our partners of the past.”

– Sylvester McNutt

 

Def Leppard may have had it all right—

 

“You’re bringin’ on the heartbreak

Takin’ all the best of me

Oh can’t you see

You got the best of me

Whoa can’t you see

You’re bringin’ on the heartache”

 

Bringing on the heartache can be inevitable in a relationship that may be coming to an end. But how do we get to this point in the relationship? What brought us here– to this moment in time? Was it something they said? Maybe it was their values, morals, or just a something annoying? How about your own shit you haven’t dealt with past relationships and exes? Or how about your partner’s exes and baggage? This can be detrimental to a relationship – not only brining on the heartache but bringing in the Ex! Now I don’t mean the Ex is still hanging around…I’m talking about when the Ex is gone, not in the picture any more but remaining issues that maybe weren’t dealt with are continuing to be apart of your relationship. Whether it’s you or your partner—Bringing in the Ex needs to be put in the past and dealt with in a healthy way.

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Dating After Divorce 101: The Break Up Game

break up game

 

“I loved you with all my heart. For the first time in my life, loving someone fully with body and soul. But it wasn’t enough.”

-Alix Stone

Break up. Break down.  Broken heart. Broken pieces.  It’s all like the shattered glass on the floor.  Shards of glass you sweep up and when you have finally cleaned up, hoping to have gotten all the pieces— there in the corner – deep in the corner of the room…a glistening piece of glass that splintered off.  A reminder that you may still be a little broken, but with each relationship you are learning more about yourself and will sparkle again. It’s what I like to call the “Break up…Again”, your first break up with your first real solid relationship post divorce life. This break up is when you realize that all the work you have been doing on yourself up to this point has been worth it. It won’t be clear right away. You may even bounce back and forth between “Is this the worst decision of my life” to “I’m already out the door”. But the post divorce first break up can be similar to a game of football with time outs, play ball, and replays. Until one day, you are able to really get back on the “You” track of life yet again.

 

Ok…so you did it…You fell in love…again. You learned to trust, love and be vulnerable…again. But what happens when your love relationship, post divorce, is now one that takes a turn? Maybe the relationship is getting more serious and you need to decide if this is your “forever”? Or maybe they make that decision for you and leave? Whatever the situation, this break up will be like no other in your whole dating life. You are a different person now—stronger, wiser and with different priorities. But…wait, can you trust your mind and heart again? Are you listening to the right one? (Conversations Between Heart and Mind) This moment while you are breaking up can be extremely difficult. The truth is that while we may be different people, we are also older. Maybe you are scared to let go of a relationship that might be comfortable; but is it good enough for the long haul or would you be settling? Let’s face it…we aren’t in our 20’s anymore and finding a great relationship “again” in your 40’s or 50’s is not as easy as it was when we were younger. You have heard the saying, “all the good ones are taken”. So then this weird shift starts to happen. It’s like the Super Bowl game and the playoff champs are your Heart vs Mind. Each ready to play on the field for the opportunity to win big!

heart and mind map

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Hey Kids, Mom is Dating!

Mom is dating

“Wait! What?!! I’m dating again? How the hell did this happen?”    

-Alix Stone

Something you did for years with no thought at all. Many of us dating through our 20’s and 30’s– partying, clubs, bars, college friends, work friends…it was our lifestyle. Then you find yourself married 10+ years, kids, husband and now “Was-band”, divorced and realizing that you have not been single for 17 years! Wait…did I just say that? I haven’t been single for 17 years! How do I even get the nerve to start over…let alone meet someone? It’s 2017 and I’m a MOM! Now we enter the “double life” post-divorce stage. What is this new life going to entail and how will you handle it?

Three months “post – separation” from my almost 14 year marriage to Mark and 17 year relationship, I found myself changing my “Facebook Relationship Status” to SINGLE. Whoa! It was a feeling like no other. Mixed emotions for sure…Freedom yet sadness—He doesn’t know what he lost yet you’re insecure—You can date whomever you want yet will anyone want to date me? From one spectrum to the other, you find yourself jockeying between emotions. How do you navigate through your emotions and yet live the life that you know as a mother? With emotions raw right after a separation, you feel like you want to go out and sleep with anyone that shows interest. I like to call this the “CrAzY time” and anyone who has just been separated or divorced can relate. Whether you’re the “Petitioner” or the “Respondent” this time is the time you find yourself reliving your 20’s. Drinking, bars, one night stands, out with the girls, and partners in crime tend to be a theme for awhile. And it’s ok…we all need it. I compare it being let out of prison…you have been locked in a life of diapers, kids schedules, life with a husband and now you have a freedom again! Freedom you haven’t had in maybe a decade. So let your hair down! Maybe “prison” is too harsh…but let’s be real…you were tied down to a schedule and life that slowly became everyone else’s and not your own. Let go and enjoy…it is a short-lived stage compared to the lifetime movie you have been living.

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Ex In-Laws & Healthy Boundaries

ex in-laws and healthy boundaries

 

“Do not justify, apologize for or rationalize the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.” – Crystal Andrus

 

The “Ex’s…ex-husband, ex-sister in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-in-laws!!! Oh my! You have been so focused on the kids, yourself, the divorce…now the dust is settled and you have the EX-In-Laws and Outlaws! Some of them you might be happy to “separate” from…others maybe a sad parting of ways…either way, it’s not easy. So how do you continue the relationships and do you have to?

Marriage+Kids = grandparents, aunties, uncles…So as long as they are healthy relationships, then keeping the relationship is important. The kids need to see that their family is still a family. (Telling the Kids blog post) Show your kids how to rise above…they will look to you how to handle relationships in the future. But what if there are unhealthy relationships in your ex’s family…how do you create boundaries and keep your sanity? All more pressures added to the post divorce family.

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Solitude vs. Loneliness

see the heart on my sleeve

 

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.”     -Paul Tillich

 

The first night you’re alone…really alone. Your ex picks up the kids and you have the house to yourself. Maybe it’s one night, maybe it’s a few days…but you are alone. Why aren’t you celebrating? Instead you watch them drive off and you close the front door, walk through the quiet house…way too quiet house…slide down the wall…and sob. You sob like you have never sobbed before!

Have you had this night yet? It was the quiet nights that I would only dream about when I was married. “Only if I had a day to myself!!” I would daydream. I would actually fantasize about running away or getting sick…not too sick but sick enough where you couldn’t leave the bed. You could sleep ALLLL DAY and just have quiet uninterrupted time!  I about died from laughter after watching the movie “Bad Moms” and Kristen Bell’s character had the same fantasy!

(Watch this clip from the movie – Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn)

Oh Serenity Now!! Even my mom friends, who are married, tell me sometimes how jealous they are of my “nights off”. But it has taken me a long time to call them “my nights off”. I would dread the evenings alone. I didn’t realize then that I was really scared to be alone; not knowing what I would do with my time and how scared I was to feel loneliness. But without being with your loneliness, how can you get to the solitude?

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Why I Told the Truth to My 13 Year Old

telling your kids the truth

“Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.”            -Pat Benatar

 No one knows this better than a child going through divorce, especially a child who is old enough to remember his or her parents together. He/she has memories of them acting lovingly toward one another. But then one day it all is torn away from them. The kids were told they did nothing wrong. They were told they were loved. Now a year, two, three later this child is still wounded…questioning WHY? Why did Dad leave? Why did Mom let him? Why does it feel like the kid down the block has it all because his/her parents are still together? All valid questions possibly being asked by your child.

telling our kids the truth

Never in my married life did I think I would have to have that conversation with my children…the conversation of “Kids…Dad and Mom are getting a divorce”. (read Telling the Kids blog entry). But it happened. And after the divorce aftershocks calm down and the emotions start to lighten again, you think maybe, just maybe, your kids will be the ones that aren’t “that” fucked up. You find yourself saying, “My kids will be the ones that will be ok.” But then you think of what kind of people you are raising…I always said that I know I have done a good job if both my son and daughter grow up to be compassionate, hard working, and non-entitled individuals. What about if they will be a good boyfriend or girlfriend? And ultimately a good partner, especially, if their example is divorce. And how much of this is “hardwired” and how much is it learned? All questions I started asking myself as I was raising my tween son, James.

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Telling the Kids

telling the kids you are separating or divorcing

“It’s possible to have a loving divorce. It takes an enormous amount of courage to change your life. No one wants a marriage to end; no one wants to have that heart-crushing conversation with (the) kids, but it happens.”    

-Laurie David, Filmmaker, “An Inconvenient Truth”

 The crushing reality of “telling the kids”…to have that one conversation you hope to never have with them. “Kids…your dad and I love you very much. You didn’t do anything wrong. We are getting a divorce…” How do you tell the kids? What are the right and wrong things to say? I wished I had someone to tell me what and how; but I had to learn on my own; and this is why I share my story with you.

telling the kids we are separating or divorcing

The absolute WORST day of my life will go down as the day Mark and I had to tell the kids we were separating. Most people would think it was the day I discovered that Mark had been cheating on me…6 different women…some flirtations, some sexts–relationships you could tell had been going on for a while. (Read “Your Inner Voice” blog entry). All the while he was married to me, almost 14 years married and 17 years together. Here we were the All American Dream…2 kids (a boy and a girl), a Golden Retriever, 1 bunny, 1 cat, 2 fish…beautiful home in the ‘burbs, quiet little town, great careers…the one where he travels and I work from home to run my business and take care of the kids…Do you hate me yet? Yep! Well, that’s ok…we are a lot more alike than you think. Mark and I had problems just like anyone else. He was gone all the time working/traveling, while I was home doing EVERYTHING…housekeeper, babysitter (although doesn’t classify as “babysitter” when they are your own kids. HA!), chauffer, sex kitten, chef, disciplinarian, comforter, butt wiper, snot swiper, entrepreneur, business owner, therapist, nurse, oh did you like how I snuck “sex kitten” in there? Yep…because we moms are all the above and don’t have time to be tired… “Come on baby, give it to me now”. But seriously, we are the “do it all moms”.   But it wasn’t enough for Mark. His narcissism and love of the chase got the best of him. And so our marriage ended.

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Forgiveness For You

forgiveness for you

 

“You’ll realize how strong you are when you finally forgive someone who isn’t sorry.”      – Horacio Jones

 

What is it like to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry? How about just to forgive? The saying I found myself repeating again and again after my husband of 13+ years cheated on me was – “I’ll forgive but I won’t forget”. It wasn’t until my love, Derek, my first love after my divorce, taught me…but you have to forget too. My heart couldn’t surrender to that…I try but I can’t. How do You forgive? Are you a “forgive and don’t forget” person; or a “forgive and forget” person? Or do you hold onto the pain forever to remind yourself—to catch yourself—like a rubberband around your wrist—SNAP!

forgiveness for you

What I have learned through my 40 years is that in order to move forward you must forgive. Whether you stay with this partner, leave forever, or even keep a friendship…you have to forgive to move forward for Yourself! Forgiveness gives you a sense of letting go…freeing yourself from the past pain. If you hold on to that and do not forgive, then you are holding onto that pain. What good does that do but keep you in a state of hatred, fear and sadness?

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