soul2hearts Archives - ♥ Heart on My Sleeve ♥

December 27, 2017December 27, 2017

Dating After Divorce 101: Bringing in the Ex

“Before you get in a relationship you must heal the broken pieces inside of you. We must never make our partners of the future suffer because of the mistakes from our partners of the past.”

– Sylvester McNutt

Def Leppard may have had it all right—

“You’re bringin’ on the heartbreak

Takin’ all the best of me

Oh can’t you see

You got the best of me

Whoa can’t you see

You’re bringin’ on the heartache”

Bringing on the heartache can be inevitable in a relationship that may be coming to an end. But how do we get to this point in the relationship? What brought us here– to this moment in time? Was it something they said? Maybe it was their values, morals, or just a something annoying? How about your own shit you haven’t dealt with past relationships and exes? Or how about your partner’s exes and baggage? This can be detrimental to a relationship – not only brining on the heartache but bringing in the Ex! Now I don’t mean the Ex is still hanging around…I’m talking about when the Ex is gone, not in the picture any more but remaining issues that maybe weren’t dealt with are continuing to be apart of your relationship. Whether it’s you or your partner—Bringing in the Ex needs to be put in the past and dealt with in a healthy way.

Continue reading “Dating After Divorce 101: Bringing in the Ex”

July 14, 2017November 21, 2017

Hey Kids, Mom is Dating!

“Wait! What?!! I’m dating again? How the hell did this happen?”

-Alix Stone

Something you did for years with no thought at all. Many of us dating through our 20’s and 30’s– partying, clubs, bars, college friends, work friends…it was our lifestyle. Then you find yourself married 10+ years, kids, husband and now “Was-band”, divorced and realizing that you have not been single for 17 years! Wait…did I just say that? I haven’t been single for 17 years! How do I even get the nerve to start over…let alone meet someone? It’s 2017 and I’m a MOM! Now we enter the “double life” post-divorce stage. What is this new life going to entail and how will you handle it?

Three months “post – separation” from my almost 14 year marriage to Mark and 17 year relationship, I found myself changing my “Facebook Relationship Status” to SINGLE. Whoa! It was a feeling like no other. Mixed emotions for sure…Freedom yet sadness—He doesn’t know what he lost yet you’re insecure—You can date whomever you want yet will anyone want to date me? From one spectrum to the other, you find yourself jockeying between emotions. How do you navigate through your emotions and yet live the life that you know as a mother? With emotions raw right after a separation, you feel like you want to go out and sleep with anyone that shows interest. I like to call this the “CrAzY time” and anyone who has just been separated or divorced can relate. Whether you’re the “Petitioner” or the “Respondent” this time is the time you find yourself reliving your 20’s. Drinking, bars, one night stands, out with the girls, and partners in crime tend to be a theme for awhile. And it’s ok…we all need it. I compare it being let out of prison…you have been locked in a life of diapers, kids schedules, life with a husband and now you have a freedom again! Freedom you haven’t had in maybe a decade. So let your hair down! Maybe “prison” is too harsh…but let’s be real…you were tied down to a schedule and life that slowly became everyone else’s and not your own. Let go and enjoy…it is a short-lived stage compared to the lifetime movie you have been living.

Continue reading “Hey Kids, Mom is Dating!”

June 25, 2017November 21, 2017

Ex In-Laws & Healthy Boundaries

“Do not justify, apologize for or rationalize the healthy boundary you are setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.” – Crystal Andrus

The “Ex’s…ex-husband, ex-sister in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-in-laws!!! Oh my! You have been so focused on the kids, yourself, the divorce…now the dust is settled and you have the EX-In-Laws and Outlaws! Some of them you might be happy to “separate” from…others maybe a sad parting of ways…either way, it’s not easy. So how do you continue the relationships and do you have to?

Marriage+Kids = grandparents, aunties, uncles…So as long as they are healthy relationships, then keeping the relationship is important. The kids need to see that their family is still a family. (Telling the Kids blog post) Show your kids how to rise above…they will look to you how to handle relationships in the future. But what if there are unhealthy relationships in your ex’s family…how do you create boundaries and keep your sanity? All more pressures added to the post divorce family.

Continue reading “Ex In-Laws & Healthy Boundaries”

May 25, 2017November 21, 2017

Solitude vs. Loneliness

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” -Paul Tillich

The first night you’re alone…really alone. Your ex picks up the kids and you have the house to yourself. Maybe it’s one night, maybe it’s a few days…but you are alone. Why aren’t you celebrating? Instead you watch them drive off and you close the front door, walk through the quiet house…way too quiet house…slide down the wall…and sob. You sob like you have never sobbed before!

Have you had this night yet? It was the quiet nights that I would only dream about when I was married. “Only if I had a day to myself!!” I would daydream. I would actually fantasize about running away or getting sick…not too sick but sick enough where you couldn’t leave the bed. You could sleep ALLLL DAY and just have quiet uninterrupted time! I about died from laughter after watching the movie “Bad Moms” and Kristen Bell’s character had the same fantasy!

(Watch this clip from the movie – Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn)

Oh Serenity Now!! Even my mom friends, who are married, tell me sometimes how jealous they are of my “nights off”. But it has taken me a long time to call them “my nights off”. I would dread the evenings alone. I didn’t realize then that I was really scared to be alone; not knowing what I would do with my time and how scared I was to feel loneliness. But without being with your loneliness, how can you get to the solitude?

Continue reading “Solitude vs. Loneliness”

May 18, 2017November 21, 2017

Why I Told the Truth to My 13 Year Old

“Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.” -Pat Benatar

No one knows this better than a child going through divorce, especially a child who is old enough to remember his or her parents together. He/she has memories of them acting lovingly toward one another. But then one day it all is torn away from them. The kids were told they did nothing wrong. They were told they were loved. Now a year, two, three later this child is still wounded…questioning WHY? Why did Dad leave? Why did Mom let him? Why does it feel like the kid down the block has it all because his/her parents are still together? All valid questions possibly being asked by your child.

Never in my married life did I think I would have to have that conversation with my children…the conversation of “Kids…Dad and Mom are getting a divorce”. (read Telling the Kids blog entry). But it happened. And after the divorce aftershocks calm down and the emotions start to lighten again, you think maybe, just maybe, your kids will be the ones that aren’t “that” fucked up. You find yourself saying, “My kids will be the ones that will be ok.” But then you think of what kind of people you are raising…I always said that I know I have done a good job if both my son and daughter grow up to be compassionate, hard working, and non-entitled individuals. What about if they will be a good boyfriend or girlfriend? And ultimately a good partner, especially, if their example is divorce. And how much of this is “hardwired” and how much is it learned? All questions I started asking myself as I was raising my tween son, James.

Continue reading “Why I Told the Truth to My 13 Year Old”

May 4, 2017November 21, 2017

Forgiveness For You

“You’ll realize how strong you are when you finally forgive someone who isn’t sorry.” – Horacio Jones

What is it like to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry? How about just to forgive? The saying I found myself repeating again and again after my husband of 13+ years cheated on me was – “I’ll forgive but I won’t forget”. It wasn’t until my love, Derek, my first love after my divorce, taught me…but you have to forget too. My heart couldn’t surrender to that…I try but I can’t. How do You forgive? Are you a “forgive and don’t forget” person; or a “forgive and forget” person? Or do you hold onto the pain forever to remind yourself—to catch yourself—like a rubberband around your wrist—SNAP!

What I have learned through my 40 years is that in order to move forward you must forgive. Whether you stay with this partner, leave forever, or even keep a friendship…you have to forgive to move forward for Yourself! Forgiveness gives you a sense of letting go…freeing yourself from the past pain. If you hold on to that and do not forgive, then you are holding onto that pain. What good does that do but keep you in a state of hatred, fear and sadness?

Continue reading “Forgiveness For You”

April 26, 2017November 21, 2017

Your 2am Phone Call

“Best friends…you fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I get in a paddleboat and save your stupid ass!” -Girl From Paris

Who are your “girls”? Your 2am phone call…your cry on the shoulder, eat a gallon of ice cream, drink a few bottles of wine, dance all night, talk for hours– girlfriends? We all have them! Whether it’s one, two, or five… “our girls” are who gets us through the best and the worst of times.

For me, my friends are my family. My kids call many of my best girlfriends “auntie”…it’s just how we do it. I’m blessed to have many girlfriends that I can call upon for advice, act as a sounding board, unload in a venting session, and of course chitty chitty chit chat all night long….and usually over many drinks! When I was going through my divorce, the relationship that broke me into a million pieces, “my girls” were there for me. Even when I dug myself into a hole to just feel the pain and never want to face reality of my days, someone was always there doing the right thing. Sometimes it was letting me cry, other times it was coaxing me out on the town…and other times it was cheesy girl movies and hard alcohol! One of my favorites is with my “ROCK”, my college BFF, Luna. She and I have “Virtual Happy Hour” over the phone because she lives 600 miles away! And the funniest time… when one of my girlfriends sent me home with her Marijuana stash (prescription of course) and said, “Smoke it all girl! I don’t want to see you until next week!” Next week!!!??? She just sent me home with more pot then I had smoked in the last 10 years!

We all have our crew or our BFF, who would fight tooth and nail for you. You know she would be there for you in whatever way she can help. So who do you lean on in the time of need? It’s who I like to call…

-“Your 2am Phone Call”. When I found out that Mark had been cheating on me with an extraordinary amount of women, I lost my shit! Literally ran to the bathroom and threw up. My next move…called Athena! And yes it was close to 2am! Of course she didn’t answer…. she’s a mother of 3 and fast asleep! But she called me 1^st thing next morning! I needed her to see the photos I took of Mark’s screenshots…to make sure I wasn’t going crazy!? She even took the kids for a “play date” when I confronted Mark and kicked him out. (Read- “Power Moment” blog) And she has been there ever since.

Continue reading “Your 2am Phone Call”

April 20, 2017November 21, 2017

Your Power Moment

“Often it’s the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self” -Karen Salmansohn

The Power Moment! The moment when no one can take away your strength…the moment you are the Phoenix rising from the ashes. This is your moment. Have you had this moment yet? Or maybe you are gearing up for it, like going into battle– suit up, pull up your big girl panties and do this! Our lives will hand us shit sometimes. It’s what you do with this shit that will create your personal growth. So let’s talk about those Power Moments and how to get yourself ready for it.

Now for us Divorcees…we all have this moment. Maybe it is as shallow as how hot you looked in front of your ex and his new girlfriend or as wonderful as a win over something you were fighting for in the MSA. Either way, you have had or will have this moment. For me, it was what I like to call “The Confrontation”. The funny thing is it’s like I knew this was going to be my Power Moment. So I actually thought about it and took my time planning it out! It felt like I was making my directorial debut on my Lifetime Movie. “OK people, I want this in one take…let’s make this real…let’s make this raw…let’s do this! ACTION!”

Continue reading “Your Power Moment”

January 23, 2017November 21, 2017

Hello World!

Welcome to my blog – Heart on My Sleeve – “Soul Repair Not Divorce Despair”

see the heart on my sleeve

Think of this as a “Soul Survivor’s” guide to get you through the heartache, the soul searching, holding it together for the kids, and yes- dating again! Wherever you might be in your journey, I hope you can find articles that will inspire you, make you laugh, and let you know that you are not alone. The one thing that truly got me through the tough times of divorce was my friends! So I dedicate this site to you! You know who you are…I promise to change the names to protect the innocent and the “not” so innocent. ;o) From long nights of tearful phone calls to literally lifting me up from the puddle that was me on the floor– my friends, my community, my family got me through it. So that’s why I am here for you!! Let my story help your story! Remember, you are never alone in this!

*Alix Stone

Visit me at Instagram! @soulsurvivor_alix_stone

aka: Soul♥Survivor