Part 1 of a Series: Different Kinds of Love
“I thought of all the different kinds of love in the world. I could think of ten without even trying. The way parents love their kids, the way you love a puppy or chocolate ice cream or home or your favorite book or your sister. Or your uncle. There’s those kinds of love and then there’s the other kind. The falling kind.” – Carol Rifka Brunt
February comes around and as you enter every grocery store, Walgreens, Big Box Store – Bam! There it is right in your face- LOVE– Or at least the “Hallmark Version” of Love. Paper hearts, valentines, ad campaigns for jewelry— it’s everywhere you turn. But what is the true meaning of Love? When you hear this word—what is the first thought that comes to mind? Is it your children? Family? Lover? Your dog? Love can encompass so many relationships. But when we see the hearts, the valentines, the commercials bombarding us come February – most of us think of Luvvvvvvvv! (said in my best Barry White impression). Turn down the lights baby and slide over here. Oh yayyyyyy—- Lovvvve! But how many kinds of love are there? Is there more than one type of love? Can you love more than one person at one time? Can you love two people equally? And all the different loves in your lifetime…love of your friends, family, pets, children and even yourself…where does it all fit into place?
A few years ago, as I worked with my guru/therapist/Divorce Coach through my divorce, the subject of Love was a constant topic on the table. It was a time for me that I was questioning how I could have fallen in love with a man, be married to him for almost 14 years, have two children—my best friend for nearly two decades, my partner in crime, my one and only as we were ONE. Then from zero to sixty, fall out of love with him after discovering that he had been cheating on me for 8 years. It was easy for me to understand my anger and feeling like I hated him—but also questioning “How did he do that to me, if he truly loved me? Then after moving on with my life, trying to make sense of, “Was he the Love of My Life?” Was that all I got in this life? Or will I have other loves? I felt like I had a second chance at life— and I hope that would mean new loves and relationships; but would it be a series of different levels of love in hopes of one day finding my Soul Mate, Twin Flame, LOML (Love of my Life) or was I destined to have already had that One Love and now just to stumble through life in a multiple of relationships—trying to find myself?
But through much self work, I would discover that life is not about ONE LOVE—we experience different kinds of love throughout our lives. It’s just when we hear the word LOVE – we associate that with the BIG LOVE — the “falling kind”. So what are the different types of love that we do experience in our lifetime? And how many are there? Depending on what you read- there can be numerous types…so its up to you to decipher what you believe. In my research and experience, I feel there are 5 types of love—but in the world of psychology and even studying writing from the Greeks—who were beyond their time- discussed 7 different types. For me, a few of these may overlap…but for this intent and purpose let’s discuss 5.
- Love for your children
- Love for your family/friends
- Love for someone you respect – a mentor, teacher, coach
- Love for yourself
- Love for a partner
Now a few of these can be elaborated on and others have some gray areas. Let’s take each one and dissect a bit.
Love for your children—now this is an easy one. There is no love like the love from a mother or father to their child. Whether it be a natural child, an adopted child or step child, there is an undying love between that one parent to that one child. You have heard the stories of the mother that lifted the car with super human strength to save their child. The stories of parents loving their children despite drug problem or making poor life decisions. There is no other love! No matter what your children do—you may be upset with them; but you would never stop loving them. You would put your own happiness aside for your children’s betterment. We single mother’s know this the best. When our lives came crashing down with a failed marriage, divorce, separation etc., did you not put on a “mask”, your happy face, dig your heels in and take care of everything? Of course you did! You held everything together so that your children would not suffer. Even at times maybe even overcompensating because of “mom guilt”; but in the end you would always put your children first! Even if it meant you would put your kids to bed at night, close your bedroom door and cry for hours…finally releasing the tension and problems on the day.
Now a gray area for some—not for me—but for some would be our love of our pets. There are people who may have never had children and their “fur babies” are their children. And I think of my children and how much they love their dog, Gunner and their two kitties. They would save their pets and run through a burning building for them! And isn’t that the same as a “parental love for their children”? This love could be the strongest of them all!
Love for your family/friends. Now I put these together—family and friends—because if you are anything like me, my friends are my family. I have friends that feel more like family to me than my own sometimes. And definitely many of my friends, girlfriends mostly, know me better then my own siblings and parents. The love you share with your family and friends can be intertwined—we are blessed with beautiful people in our lives—for different reasons and at different times. But it’s the friends that carry on through the good and the bad, showing their true colors, that sometimes shine brighter than own members of our family. I always like the saying, “You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family”. This love grows and changes throughout our lifetime. When we are young and grow up with siblings, it is one way, and as we grow older, move away, get married – this relationship may get stronger or weaker. The love for family/friends needs to be nourished. And we get what we put into it. Depending on what challenges we are facing in our life, sometimes the relationship will be a give and take. But no matter, you will always love these people in your life…it’s just a love that fluctuates with time, distance and circumstance.
The love for someone you respect and/or look up to like a teacher, coach, mentor, priest/preacher. This is someone you have an adoration for and look up to. Some people may not recognize this as “love”…but it’s a feeling for someone that comes from respect. Did you have that one coach that took you under their wing and mentored you maybe even more so than a parent? Or did you ever have a mentor that taught you what it was to be a business person and give you life and/or career guidance? Maybe this person was a family member so this is where you can have some cross over; but the love you have for someone you look up to is a very unique love. It’s a deep connection and adoration but never a love for a non friend/family member that would cross any line. It’s purely a respect of someone usually someone older that influences your life significantly in one way or another.
The love for yourself. Maybe by far the most important love and the one many of us struggle with until we are faced with a traumatic experience, life change or just gaining maturity. We are never really taught to love ourselves…it’s usually not a conscious decision. As women we grow up looking at magazines of beautiful women, models, super athletes. We are sold makeup and hair products to continue to make ourselves look fit, beautiful and younger. But what about being ok in our own skin and loving ourselves just how we are? Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to dress nice, work out, eat healthy and better our minds and bodies; but it’s when you are constantly comparing yourself to someone else and not loving YOU that becomes a problem. So how do we embrace ourselves and love ourselves? Through discovering who we are—what do we love to do, what excites us, what drives us? As divorcees and single women, we definitely need to go through this stage to come out on the other side the “Phoenix from the Ashes”. It’s not until we are torn down from a life we thought we were “supposed to be living” that we discover the naked truth—who the fuck are we? After marriage, kids, career, and now a whole new life—we struggle with finding ourselves again while we are managing kids, career, and dating again. It is true though—you cannot LOVE anyone truly until you love yourself. Bumps, bruises, cellulite, flat boobs, and muffin tops and all—Find that love for yourself and you will radiate love to all. This is when the vibration of the new loving you will transcend to others and new love relationships will be born.
The LOVE- the Falling Kind! Oh man…saved the best most complicated one for last! This one is one I still struggle with, question, and feel that there are so many dimensions. There are so many that I will continue my series on just this one type of LOVE. It’s why I write my blog and share my memoires…it’s what we are all searching for and have either found or have much experience with throughout our lives. Love or Luvvvvvv—however you look at it – this one word can flip your whole world upside down. We are all familiar with the butterflies, sweaty palms, anticipation of a first kiss and the excitement of getting to know someone new. This is the romantic kind of love. So, the million dollar question- Do we have one LOVE of our lifetime? Do we have more than one and at different levels? One thing I read constantly is the idea that we have three major loves of our lifetime. Three? Why three? When I look back on my life of 42 years, I was very picky of my “lovers” and can definitely pick some significant men in my life that I would consider strong contenders of my “top three”, but come on; three? What do we base this on? For me, it’s where I was in my life. Which men really changed me? When talking about what a soul mate is – it’s someone who you love and who helps you grow significantly in your life. Someone who comes into your life and when you leave the relationship, you are changed forever. Well of course we can always think back at our first true love—usually high school sweetheart. This is someone we met young and grew up together; probably having many of our “firsts” with and in many cases our first sexual experience. And then for many of us, there is the college love, the one we had in college that changed us significantly. Whether we married either of these loves or not—does this mean you only had these one or two big experiences and that’s it? Or does it mean there is more to come in your life? What about those that had all these experiences, never got married and are still seeking these loves or the ONE LOVE? There are just too many scenerios to count. And to each of our own…whose to say we only experience the one or the three? I used to live my life by the “three” idea and now started to rethink. Because the older I get and the more experiences I have, life and love just keep getting better. And recently in the last 4 years since my divorce, I have been so lucky in love and the men I have had in my life. Each one has taught me something new about myself…so maybe it’s just where I am in my life. Of course, I hope and being the hopeless romantic that I am…I do want that ONE companion in my life to grow old with. I want to share my life with my Man, the one that is beyond all others—but will that happen? I hope so. More to write on this topic later…
So whether you believe in ONE love or many loves, it is pretty clear that we will all experience many different kinds of love throughout our lifetime. Maybe it’s a love of your life, a bond with your child, a furry four legged friend or someone you grew up looking up to…we are all lucky in love! To see your true blessings in friendships, family, and relationships is the key here. And where does it all start; but truly loving yourself and radiating that love towards others. When you can see your self worth and see within the love that you are able to give; you will start to notice that everyone around you is LOVE too!
*Alix Stone
@soulsurvivor_alix_stone
aka: Soul♥Survivor
