“Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.” -Pat Benatar
No one knows this better than a child going through divorce, especially a child who is old enough to remember his or her parents together. He/she has memories of them acting lovingly toward one another. But then one day it all is torn away from them. The kids were told they did nothing wrong. They were told they were loved. Now a year, two, three later this child is still wounded…questioning WHY? Why did Dad leave? Why did Mom let him? Why does it feel like the kid down the block has it all because his/her parents are still together? All valid questions possibly being asked by your child.
Never in my married life did I think I would have to have that conversation with my children…the conversation of “Kids…Dad and Mom are getting a divorce”. (read Telling the Kids blog entry). But it happened. And after the divorce aftershocks calm down and the emotions start to lighten again, you think maybe, just maybe, your kids will be the ones that aren’t “that” fucked up. You find yourself saying, “My kids will be the ones that will be ok.” But then you think of what kind of people you are raising…I always said that I know I have done a good job if both my son and daughter grow up to be compassionate, hard working, and non-entitled individuals. What about if they will be a good boyfriend or girlfriend? And ultimately a good partner, especially, if their example is divorce. And how much of this is “hardwired” and how much is it learned? All questions I started asking myself as I was raising my tween son, James.
At 10 years old his life fell apart. His mom and dad, who seemed to be so perfect, were now living separately and a year later divorced. A boy, who liked everything in its place, didn’t like change, and definitely most definitely was a quiet sensitive type of boy felt like his life was over! After I found out about Mark’s second lifestyle…one that took him around the world and many women and over 8 years of cheating, I ended our almost 14 year marriage. James and his sister Dani were devastated of course…but they never knew the true reasons “Why”. We protected them. They didn’t need to know their dad was a cheating SOB…all they needed to know was that their dad loved them and would be there for them no matter what. I knew in time I would tell the kids, as they each got older and it seemed appropriate. They needed a few relationships under their belts and to have life’s knowledge of what love really feels like. But the simple answer of “Dad and Mom just had too many differences they needed to work out” was never enough for James. He could read me like a book…and that he did!
Although our physical custody was 65% /35% my favor…Mark traveled a lot. So our weeks are always centered around his travel schedule, which changes each week. Awful I know! But it is our normal and we are making it work for now. But most weeks it is more like 90/10 (my favor). It’s always been that way, even when Mark and I were married. My two littles and me…we are the 3 amigos! James and I have the special Mother/Son bond…but now that he is 13, he is finding his way between “Mama I love you” and “Oh my gawd Mom, you are so embarrassing!” No matter his teenage attitude, he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. As the next few years went by, he would question everything I did and keep pushing one particular quandary, “Why did you and Dad divorce?” It never was…are you going to get back together? Or why did Dad leave? He knew his dad did something to hurt me and he couldn’t live another day not knowing why.
Things progressively got worse with James. When I started dating, he was clingy and grumpy. But what got my attention the most was… “Mom, life isn’t worth living!” EERRRRRRRRRRRRTTTT……..(car screeching brakes!) WTF!!!??? The words you never want to hear from your kid!
“James,” I said, “Like you don’t want to live anymore thoughts?”
James, head hung low, “Yes…”
Me, “It’s time to talk to someone.”
James was not ok with that either. He is a super private person; but I explained to him that as his mom I need to recognize when it’s time to ask for help. He knew I had seen a therapist during the divorce and continue to get “tune ups”.
But he was crying…”I don’t want to tell other people my problems…it won’t help!”
I did my research…of course asking my community of Mama Bears (BFFs)…and came up with an awesome guy, who specialized in what we were going through. Conner was a 30 something therapist, who was not only a “cool dude” but smart and relatable. A perfect fit in my book. I approached Mark…bad mistake! Mark berated me on how I was making our son “weak” by talking about his feelings. AWESOME….well alrighty then…guess I won’t be able to count on you for some support emotionally or financially in regards to help for your son. Thanks!
James starting seeing Conner…and 6 months later it was helping. I think finding a good therapist for any child going through divorce is a good outlet. James and I started sessions with the both of us. I was at a loss and felt like my wheels were spinning. My son needed help and after every book and article I had read, I still felt I wasn’t giving him enough of what he needed to get through the divorce. Finding Connor, allowed James a private outlet and me a confidant in knowing he was getting good guidance from someone NOT emotionally involved in our family.
But last summer, it started again…the incessant question…over and over again… “WHY mom…why did you and Dad split up.” Everything turned into an argument. At first I racked it up to his “teenage-dom”…but then it got worse. One day, I called Conner and asked his advice. After a long conversation and more details of my marriage I had shared before with him,
I said, “Isn’t he too young to know about cheating? I don’t want him to hate his dad. I know he will know someday…but he’s 13!”
Conner replied, “Alix, I have been working with James for 6 months…he is the most mature, well mannered, put together 13 year old I have ever met…he can handle it.”
After our conversation, I knew Conner truly understood my son. Every word he said to describe him was James to a “T”. Conner also offered to facilitate a session, so that we could guide James to and away from too many details. He gave me time to think on it and said we can “rehearse” if/when you decide to do this. Ah….I knew how that worked! Mark and I rehearsed the “Telling the Kids Talk”…ok…this might be ok after all.
The day came for James’ next session…as we drove to the appointment, I told him that I would be coming in with him since he and I had been having so many arguments and frustrations toward one another. He looked at me with quizzical wonder.
When we sat down, Conner had already “coached” me a bit and said we had to get James to ASK the question “Why”. James needed the power to ask…and not me with the power of telling him. I started with,
“James, I know we have been fighting a lot about family stuff…so I wanted to come into session with you and see if there was anything you wanted to talk to me about with Conner’s help.”
James took a deep breath and blurted out, “Why did you and Dad split up?”
….phew…that was easy I thought…now for the hard part. I took a deep breath and started in:
“Do you know what an oath is?”
James, “Kind of.”
I continued, “You know when you pinky swear with your sister or best friend? It’s like that times 1,000,000.”
James nodded.
I continued, “So when dad and I were dating exclusively and then fell in love, we decided to get married. And when we got married, we had things we promised one another…an Oath.”
James quietly nodded along.
Deep breath…and I continued…tears forming in my eyes…“For each couple it might be different things you promise to one another…but for your dad and I it was to love one another, ONLY one another, take care of one another, and not be with other people. And your dad broke that promise.”
I looked from the corner of my eye for Conner’s reassurance…who also has tears streaming down his face.
“So Dad cheated.” James said so matter-of-fact.
“Yes.” I responded quietly.
“I knew it.” James said, “Mom! You know… dad IS a player!”
Me…double take… “Say what now?!” I responded.
Before I could catch my breath…Conner jumped in confidently yet calmly, “James…why would you say that?!”
James, “Mom! Every time we go out somewhere, Dad is always flirting and talking to girls!”
I was taken a back and partly wanting to high five my son for being so freakin’ observant!!
“Whoa. Wait a minute?!” I said. “Do you understand the difference of flirting and then taking it too far? “
James nodded yes… “Like sexting and cheating and stuff.”
Oh my freaking gawd! Who is this kid?! Beyond his years…it was at that moment I knew I had done the right thing, let alone how freakin’ observant kids are! Wow! Then to top it off…as we ended the session discussing family, relationships, etc. I could see this weight lift off of James’ shoulders. He seemed lighter…
We walked to the car together and got in. Before I started the engine, I turned to him and asked.
“Do you want to talk more or do you need to a break?”
Surprisingly, James said he wanted to talk more.
“Mom, I’m worried about Dani. (his sister)”
Wha Wha What?! Again with the maturity…what the heck?! “Why are you worried about your sister?” I muster out.
James responds, “Mom…she is too young to know.”
AHHHHHH… Hallelujah!
“James…do you now know why I didn’t tell you 2 years ago? How I felt you were too young. It’s my job as your mom to protect you physically and emotionally…I thought you were too immature for this news. It was hard enough for you to handle your dad moving out and the divorce.”
“I know Mom…I get it now”, he said.
So what have we learned? First and foremost…Counseling!
Find a good counselor for your children to confide in and to hear that they are ok. But also to know for yourself that your child is not going through depression or something darker, where he/she may need extra help. Whether it’s a preacher at your church or a paid therapist/psychologist there are wonderful resources out there. Ask your peers. Ask your community. I found Conner from approaching a friend I trusted in our small community. Someone that would keep under wraps that James needed therapy. I knew being a middle-schooler, it was equally important for his privacy as finding someone he could relate to and feel he could talk out his problems. If finances are a concern, many good therapists will charge on a sliding scale. The good ones truly want to help you and will find a way that works for you.
Remember…what is right for one child may not be ok for another.
“Age Appropriateness” is key. If you are sharing information about why you divorced and that information may lead to more anger or children taking sides…maybe it’s not ok to share. You know your child the best…but having a therapist help mediate a conversation may be a nice parenting tool to have in your back pocket. A counselor/therapist can give you insight on how kids can handle and digest certain information at different ages.
Keeping it simple and not too much information is another key.
“K.I.S.S” Keep It Simple Stupid again…love this saying. Although it may be important for your children to have some of the information…all the nitty gritty details do not need to come out. Again, a counselor can help in this…keeping you within the lines on the “tell all” freeway.
How are we now? Well, my biggest fear was that he would go to his dad and start hating on him. I did have a conversation with James that in my protecting him, I didn’t want him to hate his dad. Yes he made bad decisions as a husband but he was a great dad, who loved him very much. He knew that…but in the end…James was concerned that Mark would come at me in anger. I assured James that I could handle his dad…if/when he needed to discuss this with him and that he should not keep it inside. Again, Conner offered to facilitate if needed. Laughable for Mark’s sake, since he believed counseling and sharing your feelings makes you weak…From the words of Dr. Phil…”Well, how did that work out for you?”
Since then, James has talked to his dad about some of it. Mark has been pissed off at me. But I stuck to my guns and assured Mark that James was ready to hear and that I wasn’t playing for him to pick sides. All I know is that I’m raising James to be a confident, compassionate, and truthful human being…who some day will make a wonderful husband or partner. James and I have grown our bond because of my truthfulness yet tactfulness. This is so important to me as we enter the teenage years! I want him to trust me and can come to me for anything. At the end of every day we can only do the best we can. Some days we feel like Wonder Woman! And other days like the dog shit you stepped in on your walk…but we are Mama Bear’s hear us ROOARRRR! And one day…we can only hope your child will say…
“Thanks Mom! Thanks for staying strong, protecting me, and teaching me to be a good person.”
Keep on pushing through…some days, a day at a time is all we can handle. And that’s ok…you got this!!
*Alix Stone
Visit me at Instagram! @soulsurvivor_alix_stone
aka: Soul♥Survivor
